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原创翻译 双语字幕
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m 200 -1 l 200 13 l 19 13 b 14 12 14 6 14 6 b 14 6 14 0 19 -1
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翻译 油腻希 洗七里
翻译 Flora哎呀呀 告别致辞赛太公
校对 新浪微博@赛太公
时间轴 三水
后期 上班看小说被COO抓获的苦逼瓜
总监 生无可恋瓜
家 庭
摩 登
第十季 第二十一集
要命 ‭Oh, boy.
又到了牲口拍卖季的第一天了吗 Is it already the first day of livestock auction season again?
每年都是同一天啊 米奇尔 It's the same day every year, Mitchell --
第一颗番茄成熟后的第十五天 a fortnight after the first ripe tomato comes in.
而且说真的 And seriously?
现在的拍卖叫价都这么业余了吗 This is what passes for auction-calling these days?
你会不会太严苛了一点 Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?
当你曾经是某个领域的顶尖人物 You know, when you've been at the top of your field --
大巴格县拍卖叫价冠军 Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ
还连续赢了三年 three years running --
那你眼里就只能看到缺点和不足 it's hard to see anything but the inadequacies.
所以巴瑞辛尼科夫才没法观看其他舞蹈 It's why Baryshnikov couldn't watch others dance.
芭蕾舞界传奇巨星
什么 他明明担任过艺术总监... What? He was the Artistic Director of --
你都在这房子里住了多久了 How long have you lived in this house?!
最后你会发现是一头叫巴瑞辛尼科夫的猪 It's gonna wind up being some pig named Baryshnikov
或叫其他鬼名字的 or some damn thing.
你的小号课上得怎么样了 So, how was your trumpet lesson?
太美妙了 It was amazing. Yeah.
那些课程[疗程]真的改变了我的人生 Oh, these sessions just have really changed my life.
严格来说 我没说谎 Technically, uh, not a lie.
我从两年前开始上小号课 Uh, I started taking trumpet lessons two years ago.
但之后我发现隔壁店的按摩 But then I noticed the place next door
跟课程同样价格 于是... was offering massages for the same price, so...
你懂的 you know.
我很内疚 自己去放松 而小卡... And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was...
一个人照顾莉莉 solo-parenting Lily.
但话说回来 我俩都是跟一个 But -- But we were both spending time
亚洲女性共处 让她踩背[羞辱] with an Asian woman who walked all over us.
你每次从那里回来 You always smell like lavender
身上都有薰衣草的味道 when you come back from that place.
那个是 是阀键油 Uh, yeah, it's the -- it's the valve oil
上在...你知道 for the, um -- you know,
就是上在... 小号的按键里 the t-- the tooting buttons. ‭
我们该尽快出发了 We should probably, uh, hit the road soon.
一小时后就要举行高中毕业典礼了 High school graduation's in an hour. ‭
好丢脸啊 It's so humiliating
以副校长身份出席这种活动 being the Vice Principal at these things.
这只是象征性的地位 It's just a ceremonial position
其实我只是坐在布朗校长身后 where you have to sit behind Principal Brown,
礼貌地鼓掌 politely clapping
眼看他设定历史的进程 while he gets to set the course of history.
不过我爸要在毕业典礼上致辞 Well, it could be fun with my dad giving
应该会很有意思 the commencement address, though.
我偷瞄了他的备忘卡 I got a peek at his note cards,
我不想剧透里面的内容 and I don't want to give anything away,
但是那个头上涂满发蜡 but the young kid who boarded the bus
手提着纸板行李箱 with the hair full of Brylcreem
怀揣着梦想登上大巴的年轻孩子 and a cardboard suitcase full of dreams --
是他 it was him.
我得接一下电话 是地方教育局长皮尔斯 Oh, I have to take this. It's Superintendent Pierce.
您好 先生 真荣幸 请问有什么事 Hello, good sir. To what do I owe this honor?
不会吧 Oh, no.
太可怕了 That's horrible.
布朗校长出车祸啦 Principal Brown got into a car accident!
也就是说 作为第二顺位的校领导 W-Which means, as next in the line of succession,
我可以主持今天的毕业典礼 I get to preside over today's graduation.
这就是为什么高级行政官员 You know, this is why senior administration officials
从来不一起出行 never travel together.
别人倒霉你却幸灾乐祸 我本该觉得不好 Your glee at another man's misfortune should trouble me,
但你这副样子又有点性感 but there's also something sort of sexy about it.
权力就是春药 Well, power is an aphrodisiac. ‭
或许晚点你可以扮演校长 Maybe later you could be the principal
而我扮演还差了几个学分的学生 and I could be the student who's a few credits short.
我不乖 Hmm. ‭A bad, bad boy
需要被好好调教 who needs to be taught right from wrong.
因为我成长于一个破碎家庭 'Cause I grew up in a broken home,
社工常来我家 父母总为钱争吵 where social workers and constant fights about money
所以... were just --
算了 这编到我开始感觉难受了 Okay, well, now I'm just sad.
我们能换位子吗 Can we switch seats?
我刚好坐在通风口下面 I'm right under a vent.
这对我的喉咙不好 This is not good for my instrument.
你这么认真对待这次致辞 真好啊 Oh, so nice that you're taking this speech so seriously.
你当年为米奇和小卡的婚礼祝酒时 When you did Mitch and Cam's wedding toast,
嘴里还塞满了腰果呢 you had your mouth full of cashews.
注意看你弟弟啊 Hey, pay attention to your brother.
是你让他开始练空手道的 You got him into karate.
我不是故意的 Not on purpose.
我只是给他看了几部《粉红豹》的卡通电影 I just showed him a few "Pink Panther" movies.
乔 Joe?
我不想再玩 I-I-I don't want to play
《粉红豹》系列电影中的角色
妙探长克鲁索和卡托的游戏了 this Inspector Clouseau and Cato game anymore.
我可不是害怕哦 It's not that I'm scared.
我只是 有点忙 It's just, I-I'm a little busy --
他就是个小变态[《惊魂记》] He's a little psycho.
对了 千万别给他看这部电影 Which we must never show him, by the way.
如果我看起来心神不宁 抱歉 And sorry if I'm distracted.
今天是加州艺术学院的裁生日 It's cut day at CalArts.
我有一半同学都没被叫回去继续读 Half of the class isn't being asked back.
曼尼 母亲的直觉告诉我 Manny, my mother's intuition
你没什么好担心的 tells me that you have nothing to worry about.
真的太残酷了 It's just so cruel.
我还有一半课程就能拿到剧本创作学位 I'm halfway to a playwriting degree
和面具制作辅修证书 and a minor in mask-making
难道他们要就这样把我赶去街头吗 and they're just gonna throw me out on the street
我都没法养活自己 with no way to support myself?
正如一个睿智的男人在两小时后要说的那样 As a wise man will say in about two hours --
"生活把石头滚到你的道路前 你要心怀感激 "Be grateful for the rocks life rolls in your path,
因为有一天 你会视它们为垫脚石" for one day, you'll see them as stepping stones."
这句是从"可能要用"那堆里拿来的 I had that in my "maybe" pile.
相信自己啊 杰 Trust yourself, Jay.
老天 是学校发来的邮件 Oh, God. It's an e-mail from school.
我可没法在众人面前看这邮件 I don't think I can read this in front of people.
加油 乔 Let's go, Joe!
我成功了 I did it!
我成功了 好棒 I did it! Yes!
我妈是不是收买了罗恩老师 Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron?
我就知道你能做到 乔 I knew you could do it, Joe!
母亲的直觉告诉我 My mother's intuition told me
你没什么好担心的 that you had nothing to worry about.
如果她收买了罗恩老师 那她还收买了谁呢 And if she bribed Sensei Ron, who else did she bribe?
这个奖杯也是我应得的吗 Did I even deserve this?
你还记得逛超市很无聊的时候吗 Do you remember when grocery shopping was boring?
不记得 I really don't.
身为家长 很少有机会获得 As a parent, you don't get
美妙 磊落 没愧疚感的胜利 a lot of good, clean, guilt-free victories.
所以我们今天 That's why it's hard not to feel
很难不感到自信满满 pretty damn good about ourselves today.
因为今天下午 Because this afternoon,
我们要看咱家女儿艾丽克斯毕业 we are going to watch our daughter Alex graduate...
是以优异成绩哦 With honors!
从世界知名的加州理工大学 ...from the world-renowned Caltech.
♪ 当你对阵加州理工海狸队时 ♪ ♪ When the Caltech Beavers face you at sports ♪
♪ 准备好让出手里的球吧 ♪ ♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪
他们虽然聪明 但没把心思放在写队歌上 Their best minds weren't focused on the fight song.
没错 Yeah.
我没办法停止微笑 I just can't stop smiling
一看到艾丽克斯这张穿戴着方帽和长袍的照片 at this picture of Alex in her cap and gown.
真是不敢相信 我跟你的孩子 It's so surreal that one of our kids
居然能获得如此高的成就 could do something so amazing.
我也爱你们两个哦 I love you both.
你们俩去拿香槟和鲜花送给艾丽克斯 So, you two, grab champagne and flowers for Alex.
我们...我们去拿雪茄送给杰 We'll, uh -- We'll get some cigars to give to Jay.
行 Yeah.
天啊 Oh, my God.
是斯基普·伍斯南 他炒掉你之后你见过他吗 It's Skip Woosnam. Have you seen him since he fired you?
见过一次 在卖房会上 Once, at a listing.
我试图假扮成我自己的3D纸板 I tried to pretend I was a 3D cutout of myself
避免跟他说话 to avoid talking to him.
不过今天我倒想跟他聊聊 But you know what? Today I want to talk to him.
我想我要告诉老斯基普 I think I'll let ol' Skip know
我女儿要从加州理工毕业了 I have a daughter graduating from Caltech.
不 亲爱的 我们不是那种 No, honey, we are not the kind of parents
靠炫耀孩子来给自己长脸的家长 who make ourselves look good by bragging about our kids.
那我们为什么要生孩子 克莱尔 Then why did we even have them, Claire?
我们连自鸣得意一下都不行吗 ‭Are we really not gonna crow about it
我们终于有个孩子做了能让我们骄傲的事 when one of our kids finally does something we can be proud of?
我好爱你们两个 I love you both very much.
我不介意做帅气性感的那个孩子 I'm comfortable being the hot one.
这个月又创纪录了 Another record month?
谢谢 Well, thank you!
你是世界上最优秀的管家 You're the greatest butler on Earth.
我得挂了 I gotta run.
-菲尔 -斯基普 - Phil? - ‭Skip!
你这家伙 最近好吗 You son of a gun. How the hell are you?
很好 很好 生意比以往更红火 Great, great. Business is better than ever.
你怎么样 How about you?
你现在买真的人形立牌了吗 Did you, uh, finally get real cutouts?
我不知道你在说什么 I don't know what you're talking about.
我的立牌都是3D高仿真的 Mine are so realistic and 3D,
你肯定像白痴一样对着它笑来着 you must have been laughing at one of them like an idiot.
我们购物时撞见彼此真是太巧了 How crazy is it we ran into each other shopping, huh?
对了 你的孩子们还好吗 Say, how are your kids?
都特别好 Terrific. Yeah.
琼刚找到份康泰纳连锁店的工作 June just, uh, took a job at the Container Store.
真厉害 我也有个孩子 Impressive. I have a kid
对太空特别感兴趣 that's interested in space, as well. Yeah.
其实她在考虑去太空总署工作 Considering a job at, uh -- at NASA, actually.
是啊 他看起来很有这方面天赋 Yeah, he, uh, looks like he's got the right stuff.
不 我说的是我女儿 No, I -- it's -- I was talking about my daughter.
爸 你猜怎么着 Oh. ‭Hey, Dad. Dad, guess what.
我一拿起酒瓶双胞胎就开始乱踢 The twins started kicking the second I picked up booze.
绝对是我的孩子 对吧 ‭They're my kids, right?
我的另一个女儿 My other daughter.
那好 我的演讲里 Okay, I'm doing a little thing about
会稍微说说追随梦想 following your dreams in mine.
你的演讲里有吗 Do you have anything like that in yours?
我的是"追随热情" I say "Follow your passions."
好的 不算重复 Okay, yeah. That's different enough.
好吧 ‭Okay.
那边有点可疑 Something fishy's going on over here.
我去旁敲侧击一下 看看能查出什么 I'm gonna go shake some trees, see what falls.
你今天真精神 副校长塔克 Looking lovely today, Vice Principal Tucker.
别装纯良少年了 平托斯基 Cut the choirboy act, Pitkowski.
你不喜欢我用这种方式对你说话吗 Oh, you don't like the way I'm talking to you?
你能跟谁投诉去 Well, who are you gonna complain to?
没人 No one!
因为我是代理校长 Because I'm the acting principal,
执掌无上大权 clothed in immense power!
等等 这是什么 休想 Wait, what is -- Nope!
我弯腰速度更快 I bend faster.
"杰·普里契特 猫头鹰杀手" "Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?!
这是什么鬼东西 What the hell is this?
那是1972年 The year was 1972.
我接到了超级大单 I landed a whale --
一艘嘉年华游轮上的所有衣柜 every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship.
为了预算和工期合得上 To make the numbers work,
我需要快速搞到一大批廉价雪松木 I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap.
结果我砍伐的一片森林 I ended up cutting down a forest
刚好是金斑猫头鹰最后的栖息地 that happened to be the last habitat of the Golden Speckled Owl.
怎么没人提我这一举救下了多少老鼠 You know, nobody talks about all the mice I saved.
没人提 Nope!
只提猫头鹰 Just the owls.
你们在计划抗议吗 Are you all planning some sort of protest?
在我的监管下 休想 Well, that ain't happening on my watch.
快去坐好 Now go take your seats!
"猫头鹰希特勒" "Owl Hitler"?!
这照片是怎么回事 我从没勒死过猫头鹰 What the hell is this picture? I never strangled an owl!
让迪兰告诉我他人在哪很过分吗 Is it too much for Dylan to let me know where he is?
我的羊水随时会破 My water could literally break any minute.
我坐在这没问题吧 Am I okay sitting here,
还是说像海洋世界前排一样会被溅湿 or am I in a SeaWorld splash zone situation?
克莱尔 你高中时的死敌艾希莉·沃尔斯 Claire, your old high school nemesis Ashley Walls,
她不是有个女儿吗 did she have a daughter?
我记得没有 怎么了 Uh, I don't think so. Why?
那边那个女人 Well, that woman over there
看起来很像艾希莉 但不太可能 looks just like Ashley, but it can't be.
她看起来只有你一半 美貌 She looks half your... beauty.
艾希莉·沃尔斯 Ashley Walls.
她在每件事上都胜过我 She outdid me at everything.
返校节女王 曲棍球队长 Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain,
我们上大学前的那个夏天 and the summer before we went away to college,
她竟打败我成为了普里契特衣柜的实习生 she beat me out for an internship at Pritchett's closets.
克莱尔 Claire?
让我想想 I...want to say...
艾希莉 Ashley?
-是我 你好吗 -很好 - Yes! ‭ how are you? - Good.
艾希莉·沃尔斯-卡内基 Ashley Walls-Carnegie.
菲利普·汉弗莱·邓菲 Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.
你最近在忙什么 艾希莉 So, what have you been up to, Ashley?
我是人身伤害律师 Uh, well, I'm a personal injury lawyer.
我有个兄弟靠这个赚了好多钱 I have a buddy that makes bank from that.
他不是律师 ‭He's not a lawyer.
他专门挑豪车碰瓷 He just tries to get nice cars to hit him.
他只是在开玩笑 Yeah, he's just kidding.
我没开玩笑 妈 No, I'm not, Mom.
-事实上 我 -给 吃块糖 - In fact, I've ac-- - Here, have a candy.
真无礼 That was rude.
我刚刚遇到了以前的健康教育老师 I just ran into my old health teacher,
她说她一直都觉得 and she said she always expected
我会挺着大肚子参加毕业典礼 to see me pregnant at graduation.
恭喜 Congratulations.
谢谢 是双胞胎 Oh, thanks. Twins.
抱歉 要是知道他们老爸现在在哪 Sorry, I'd be a lot happier about it
我会开心得多 if I could track their father down.
吃糖 Candy.
看 是你弟弟米奇 Oh, look -- it's your brother, Mitch.
他总是一板一眼的 对不对 Now, he was always a little uptight, wasn't he?
高中时是的 但现在他特别好... Well, he was in high school, but now he's just the most --
听好 你今天只有一个任务 小姑娘 Okay, you have one job today, young lady,
支持你大爸 okay, to be supportive.
假如他说了笑话 你就要笑 If your dad makes a joke, you will laugh.
他演讲后你怎么做 鼓掌 If he makes a speech, you will what? Applaud.
好吧 我得去找我的座位了 Right. I-I-I'm gonna go find my seat.
但和你叙旧真开心 克莱尔 But it was great catching up with you, Claire.
提一嘴我们女儿今天要从加州理工毕业 No one would blame you if you mentioned you had a daughter
谁也不会责怪你的 graduating from Caltech today.
亲爱的 错过时机了 Honey, the moment has passed.
我得有个好理由才能不经意地过去 I'd need a pretty good reason to just go waltzing over there --
-她的流程单掉了 -太好了 - She dropped her program! - Yes! ‭
克莱尔 你知道我有事会第一个找你商量 Hey, Claire, you know how you're my go-to gal --
-我很忙 -菲尔 - Busy. ‭- Hey, Phil.
你知道我有事会第一个找你商量 You know how you're my go-to guy on stuff?
看来我们战胜所有不可能成为了挚友 I suppose against all odds, we've become best friends.
是啊 Sure.
很明显 由我来做毕业演讲 So, apparently, some of the students are angry
让一些学生很生气 that I'm giving the commencement address.
为什么 Why?
谁知道他们扭曲的脑子是怎么想的 ‭Who knows why their sick minds do anything?
不过我得说 能再次憎恨嬉皮士感觉很好 Gotta say though, it feels good to be hating hippies again.
总之 你能不能帮我巡视一下这地方 Anyway, would you mind giving this place a sweep?
看看有没有什么可疑的 See if you notice something suspicious.
这就办好 Consider it done.
你们把什么藏起来了 Hey. What do you got there?
让我看看你们的袍子下藏着什么 You kids got something under those robes you want to show me?
曼尼 你没被裁掉 Manny, you passed the cuts,
为什么心情还这么不好 so why aren't you in a better mood?
你贿赂了我的院长让我通过的 是不是 You bribed my dean to get me past the cut, didn't you?
我永远不会做那种事 I would never do something like that.
真厉害 Oh, bravo!
假如丽莎·瓦格纳有你演技这么好 If Lisa Wagner pulled out that performance,
也许她就不会带着装满手工木偶的卡车 maybe she wouldn't be driving back to her parents' house
和突然迷茫的未来 with a trunk full of handmade puppets
开车回到父母家了 and a suddenly very uncertain future.
我才没有贿赂谁 I didn't bribe anyone.
我也不知道你怎么会问这种问题 I don't know why you're talking such crazy things.
因为我看见你贿赂罗恩老师了 Because I saw you bribe Sensei Ron.
等等 Wait.
你贿赂罗恩老师了 You bribed Sensei Ron?!
所以这一切都是个谎言 So this is just a lie?!
还有别的谁吗 Are there others?
我到底算什么人啊 Who the hell even am I?!
我的天 Oh, my God!
想跑可没门 小朋友 Nice try, kemosabes.
艾希 你节目单掉了 Ash. I think you left your program.
谢谢 Thank you.
想想这些孩子最后 Wow, it's wild to think
光明的前途 真是感慨万千啊 是吧 where all these kids are gonna end up, right?
我说 有那么多好学校 I mean, there's so many great schools.
其实 我们的 In fact, our --
你还好吗 Is something wrong?
我们女儿加入恐怖组织了 Our daughter joined ISIS.
美国政府不承认她的公民身份了 The government said she's not an American anymore.
现在我们家门前总是停着一辆货车 There's a van always parked in front of our house.
天啊 我很难过 Oh, God. I'm so sorry --
克莱尔有没有说我们的女儿是个天才呀 Did Claire tell you our daughter's a genius?
那么接下来 毕业生们 看看你们的左边 ...and so, graduates, look to your left
再看看右边 and to your right.
我丢了个小牛仔帽装饰的简洁大方的钥匙链 It's a simple key chain with a tiny cowboy hat charm on it.
谁捡到了 请传上来 If you see it, please pass it forward.
好了 现在有请我们的毕业演讲嘉宾 All right, and now on to our commencement speaker.
他是社会的栋梁 He is a pillar of the community,
企业家 行业巨头 杰·普里契特先生 an entrepreneur and closeteer -- Mr. Jay Pritchett.
毕业典礼 Commencement.
"C"代表着"勇气" "C" for "Courage,"
"O"代表着"机遇" "O" for "Opportunity,"
第一个"M" the first "M" --
灾难来临了 Disaster had struck.
但是我慌了吗 But did I panic?
没有 No.
没人主动选择成为战时的校长 No one chooses to be a wartime principal.
但我们终将被历史所铭记 But we're the ones history remembers.
二选其一 他们都说 Pick one, they all said --
壁橱还是百叶窗 closets or blinds.
米奇尔 这要毁了毕业典礼的 Mitchell, he's tanking my graduation.
我打算跳过他 直接进入怀念校友环节 I'm cutting him off and moving right to the in-memoriam section.
那听起来真是令人"愉快"啊 Well, that would be less depressing.
是是 问题是乐队的人刚刚走得一个不剩了 Yeah, the problem is, the band just walked out in solidarity.
-给你 -干什么 - Here. - ‭W-What?
米奇尔 纪念仪式不能没有音乐 Mitchell, you can't have an in memoriam without music.
那太扫兴了 That's just a bummer.
拿着 Take it!
你们爱怎么咕咕叫怎么叫 反正我最后成功了 Hoot all you want, but that Brylcreem kid was me!
是的 谢谢你 Yes, hi, thank you.
谢谢你 杰·普里契特 大家鼓掌 Thank you, Jay Pritchett, everyone!
我不知道你们什么感觉 不过我觉得 Wow, I don't know about you, but I feel like
自己视野大开 要走向世界了啊 getting out there and taking on the world, huh?
现在 让我们铭记 And now, let's remember
今年我们失去的那些友人 those Dolphins we lost this year.
米奇尔 快吹起来 什么都行 Mitchell, play something. Play anything.
吹点特别庄重特别深沉的 Something with the most gravitas.
你知道吗 我这么一个两年没碰过小号的人 You know, for a person who last touched a trumpet two years ago,
吹得还挺好的 I think I sounded pretty good.
吹完了 吹完了 I'm done. I'm done.
好了 All right!
这一年逝去的人真是多啊 That is a lot of deceased for one year.
我们可能要报给警察调查一下了 We should probably have the police check into that.
现在 在授予学位证书之前 And now, before, uh, passing out diplomas,
我想为毕业班的同学 I would like to make sort of a --
致以一些个人的表示 a personal gesture to this graduating class.
当气球飞向天空 你们会发现每一个 As these balloons fill the sky, know that each one of them
都代表着一个亲身鼓舞了我 represents a student who has personally inspired me
让我对未来充满美好希望的学生 and filled me with hope for a better tomorrow.
什么情况 What?
代理校长 Acting Principal!
抗议者们黑进了我们的洒水系统 Protesters hacked into our sprinkler system.
五分钟之后就要启动了 It's set to go off in five minutes.
我们得推迟毕业典礼 We have to postpone the graduation.
然后错过我成为校长的机会吗 And miss my chance of becoming principal?
没门 Not a chance!
但是没人能在五分钟之内念完四百个名字 Well, no one can read 400 names in five minutes.
是吗 Oh, really?
所有训练 所有错过的派对 All that training, all those parties missed,
所有那些参加过的拍卖会 all those auctions attended
都是为了此时此刻 were for this moment right here, right now.
同学们 你们好 当你们听到你们名字的时候 Students, hi! When you hear your name,
请走上台来 拿走你们的学位证书 please proceed to the stage and grab your diploma.
奈莉·阿布瑞莎米 艾莉森·阿科斯塔 Nelly Abrishami, Allison Acosta,
弗里达·阿拉法利 斯科特·"讨厌鬼"·阿尔巴内塞 Frieda Alafary, Scott "The Skunk" Albanese,
杰西卡·埃伦尼克 理查德·汤普森·艾伦 Jessica Alenick, Richard Thompson Allen,
拉瓦利亚·阿米努 拉里·阿纳科恩 Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone,
达拉·阿尔勒特 丹尼尔·戴伊·阿伦森 Darla Arleto, Daniel Dey Aronson...
我本来可以念完的 I was gonna make it!
然后 And then...
我遇到了波兰名字 I hit the Polish names.
切斯沃夫·沃拉德瑞扎克科沃斯基 Czeslaw Wlodaryzack-ck-kowsky.
沃洛迪斯劳·沃劳德 Wladyslaw Wlod...
尼斯基 对 nisky? Yeah.
迈拉·扎林斯基 Myra Zarinsky --
好了 快撤快撤 OK, all right, all right
如果我们离爸爸和小卡远一点 可能还有机会 Okay, if we steer clear of Dad and Cam, we've got a chance
在这堆暴民动武的时候混进他们人群不被打 of blending into the mob when they turn violent.
这是什么情况 What the hell is this?
是这样的 显然 为猫头鹰抗议的人 Okay, well, apparently, when those owls
黑进洒水系统 是影响全校区的 hacked into the sprinkler system, it was school-wide.
他们不让任何人进停车场 They're not letting anyone into the parking structure.
不是吧 Oh, no!
我希望这不会让我们错过 I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have to miss
今天的第二个毕业典礼 the second graduation of the day.
运气真好 How lucky is that?
我正拉着优步订单 你们就打过电话来了 Me cruising by with an Uber fare right when you called.
-幸运幸运 -真好 - So lucky. Very lucky. - Very good.
你到了 杰拉尔德 Well, this is you, Gerald.
希望今天开始你能 Let's have today be the day
不再是为了你父亲演奏 you stop playing for your dad
而是为自己演奏 and start playing for Gerald.
话说 这提醒了我 That -- That kind of reminds me --
对不起 我骗你说自己上了小号课 I'm sorry I lied about the trumpet lessons.
没事 这才不是我今天最倒霉的部分 Oh, please. Not the worst part of my day.
我现在想明白了布朗校长是故意坑我让我失败 I'm realizing now that Principal Brown set me up to fail.
根本没有什么车祸 There was no car crash,
跟登月一样都是骗人的 just like there was no moon landing.
-小卡 -太空里旗帜是不会飘扬的 米奇尔 - Cam - ‭Flags can't wave in space, Mitchell.
好了好了 我被羞辱得比你们都过分 Hey, hey, hey, I was humiliated much worse than you.
太不公平了 It was so unfair.
兢兢业业一辈子最后无人赞誉 A lifetime of service out the window.
你们以为我每晚闭上眼睛 You think I don't see the faces of owls
不会看到那些猫头鹰的脸吗 every night I close my eyes?
至少你有大家心服口服的成就 At least you've accomplished something they can tear down.
我是个骗子 I'm a fraud!
你看到你对你弟弟做了什么吗 You see what you did to your brother?
看那难过又受伤的大眼睛 Look at those sad, hurt eyes.
就像难过的小猫头鹰 Like a sad little owl.
也许要是你相信自己的儿子 Well, maybe if you believed in your sons
而不是跟每个人都来哥伦比亚式握手 instead of giving everyone Colombian handshakes.
什么 What?!
我可从来没有当着哪个男人家室的面 I've never sanded down a man's fingers
跟他亲密握手 in front of his family!
你是说贿赂的事啊 Oh, you mean the bribes?
你没法否认了 You can't deny it anymore.
看我们院长发出来的照片 Look at this photo on my dean's Instagram.
他戴着的表跟你给罗恩老师的一模一样 He's wearing the same watch you gave Sensei Ron.
地区教育局长也戴着一样的表 The superintendent was wearing that same watch.
典礼结束后他跟我握手 I-I noticed it when he shook my hand at the end of the ceremony
他说我"滑天下之大稽"时 我有注意到 and said I was a "Horrifying disgrace."
你贿赂他了吗 You bribed him?!
是因为这样我才有资格演说的吗 Is that how I got my speech?
好了 够了 Okay, enough!
我相信你们凭自己也能做到 I'm sure you would have gotten all these things on your own,
但世界有时就是那么不公平 but the world sometimes is very unfair!
那些手表只是以防万一啦 And the watches are like an insurance.
你为什么会有那么多啊 Why do you even have so many?
有时候我吃安眠药后会梦游网购 Sometimes I do a little bit of Ambien shopping
然后把同样的东西买一堆 and I buy too much of one thing.
难道你们圣诞节 Didn't you all wonder
收到一样的有趣袜子时没想过这事吗 when you got the same fun socks for Christmas?
-一样的耶 -我了个去 - Oh, samesies. - I'll be damned!
-我怎么没收到 -可有趣了 - I don't have those. - They're fun!
对不起 是我不好 I'm sorry, okay?
但我太爱你们了 But I love you guys so much
我不想把你们的愿望交给命运来安排 to leave your dreams to chance.
我想在你长大的故乡 I suppose where you grew up,
钻漏洞也是生存的一部分 bending the rules was just a part of life.
你必须得这样才能活下去 It's what you had to do to get by.
你又怎么会不拿来帮忙你爱的人呢 Why wouldn't you do that to help the people you love?
谢谢你 曼尼 Thank you, Manny.
你谢什么啊 我才不是那么觉得呢 You're not welcome. That's not how I feel.
这是我演出的剧的台词 I-It's a speech from a play I was in.
在我说完刚才的台词后 Right after that line,
我点事后烟然后重新穿上我的衣服 I light up a cigarette and put my clothes back on.
我是没事啦 但是... Yeah, I'm good, but...
我现在不知道我到底是不是凭实力了 now I'll never know if that's why I made the cut.
好了 别这样 听我说 Okay, stop. Look.
大家今天都过了很惨的一天 We've all had a terrible day today --
我没有啊 Not me.
拉的客人都是大单 超赞的瑜伽课 Tons of great fares, amazing yoga class --
我这边在酝酿一个点呢 兄弟 I-I was building to something, buddy.
但是大家庭有这么一个好处 But that's one of the great things about being in a family.
我们能分享其他人的胜利荣光 We get to share in each other's victories.
而艾丽克斯今天有一场大胜利 And Alex has a huge victory today
能让我们大家都感觉好受 that can make us all feel better.
所以我们... So let's...
把这糟糕的一天转亏为盈 感觉美... turn around this crap day with a nice, feel-good --
那是艾丽克斯吗 Hey, is that Alex?
天啊 停车 Oh, my God. Pull over!
停 Back up!
艾丽克斯 亲爱的 怎么了 你还好吗 Alex! Honey, what happened? Are you okay?
今天周几 What day is it?
无所谓 反正时间根本不会循环 Not that time is anything but a flat circle.
我们课都结束了 期末考也考完了 So...we were done with classes, done with finals,
就跟史上所有大四生一样 and, like college seniors since the beginning of time,
我们也决定来疯狂一把 we decided to get a little nuts.
查格[干杯] 查格 查格 查格 查格 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
我们的同学阿施施·查格 Our classmate Ashish Chug...
成功啦[喝完啦] I did it!
黑进了我们的出入证 ...hacked his key card to get us access
往里面加了进出图书馆限制区域的权限 to the restricted section of the library.
我们决定去读阿利斯特最后定理 We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem.
哥特罗布·阿利斯特写出了0=1的证明 Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals 1.
这代表数学是无意义的 This rendered mathematics meaningless
并且害他发了疯 and drove him insane.
根据传说 同样的命运降临在了 According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone
每一个阅读并能理解他证明的人身上 who reads and understands the proof.
天啊 Good God.
如果数学没有意义 If mathematics doesn't matter,
那大家再也没有任何确定的事物了 then no one can be certain of anything,
而我浪费了我过去4... and I've just wasted the last four --
不对 是过去16年的人生 no, 16 years of my life,
我毕业不毕业根本无所谓啊 and there's no point in me graduating!
我看得出来你非常不开心 Okay, I can tell that you're very upset,
你还可能因为期末考而累过头 and you're probably really overtired from finals.
但如果你不去参加毕业典礼 会后悔一生 But you are gonna regret it if you don't go to graduation.
我跟你保证 无论你现在有什么烦心事 Look, I promise -- whatever is bothering you,
在典礼之后就会想通 figure it out after the ceremony --
-之后吗 -是啊 - After?! - ‭Yes.
有"之后"就意味着有"之前" "After" implies "before"!
但如果1分钟之前等于0分钟之前 But if one minute ago is the same as zero minutes ago,
那之前就是现在 而现在就是之后 then before is now and now is after!
我通常听到这种对白 Usually when I hear people talking like this,
都是在听到别人点餐在催上菜的时候 we're walking through a Taco Bell drive-through.
亲爱的 你有一半的人生都在被事物所震撼 Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown.
我还记得我第一次听到原来银河系中的星星 I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy
比一盒即时米饭里的米还多时的样子 than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's.
不是的 是宇宙中的星系总数 No, there are more galaxies
比世界上所有海滩中的沙加起来还多 than grains of sand on all the world's beaches.
我不能一下失去他们两个 Okay, I can't lose 'em both!
-我来 艾丽克斯 -谁快来啊 - I got this! Alex... - ‭Somebody?
"我一直不知何为真正的力量 直到..." "I never knew true strength until --"
"我遇到一个没有脚的人" "I met a man with no feet."
等等 不是 这些卡没按照顺序摆 Wait. No. These cards are not in order.
等等 你们不许跟我抢 Wait. Nobody help her right now --
艾丽克斯 你是个聪明又自信的女孩 Alex, you're a smart, confident girl.
我知道你会做出正确的决定 I know that you're gonna make the right decision.
你刚把这表戴我手上了吗 Did you just put this watch on me?
我有病得治啊 I have a problem.
我觉得如果艾丽克斯不想参加毕业典礼 I say if Alex doesn't want to go to her graduation,
那她自己决定了就好 that's her decision.
谢谢你 卢克 Thank you, Luke.
只要你知道 As long as you know
现在其实根本不是数学的问题就行 that whatever's going on here isn't about math.
我觉得你只是在害怕离开校园 Yeah, I think maybe you're afraid to leave school.
-什么 -你这辈子 - What? - ‭Your whole life,
从小就知道你该做什么 you've always known exactly what you're supposed to do --
学习 得高分 反复 study, get good grades, repeat.
现在这要结束了 令你感到害怕 Now that's over, and it's scary.
有点像是0=1 Kind of like if zero equalled 1.
但你很幸运 你的傻子姐姐跟弟弟 But lucky for you, your dummy brother and sister
在现实社会中都摸爬滚打过了 have spent time in the real world.
如果我们都能站稳脚跟 你肯定没问题 And if we can handle it, you're gonna do just fine.
真的吗 You think?
相信我们 Trust us.
走啦 我们带你去毕业典礼吧 Come on. Let's go get you graduated.
等等 那个门总卡住 Oh, hold on. That door gets jammed.
我得从里面打开 I have to open it from the inside.
我来开 I got it!
莱亨德·丹拿 Legend Danner.
致辞的事情我现在还是过不去 I still can't get over that commencement speech.
完全没人笑啊 Not a single laugh.
我告诉你他没发现什么元素吧 "笑"素 I'll tell you one element he didn't discover -- hilarium.
艾丽克斯·邓菲 Alex Dunphy.
恭喜你 Congratulations.
我们也不想炫耀 但是... We don't want to brag, but, uh...
是我们的孩子们促成的 Our kids did that.
是的 Yeah.
别 别又是手表啊 No! No more watches.
我什么时候买的这些啊 When did I order these ones?
妈 你猜怎么着 Hey mom, guess what?
怎么啦 小宝贝 What? Papi.
我朋友卡莉被踢出专业了 My friend Carly got cut from my program,
她老爸最近还刚给戏服部门捐钱呢 and her dad's funded our new costume department.
看来贿赂是没用的 I guess bribes don't work.
全是凭我的本事 I got through all my merit.
-是啊 -这种时候就该奖赏自己 - Yeah!. - That calls for a reward.
这是什么 What is this?
曼尼 求你别告诉杰 Manny, please don't tell Jay.
燕麦葡萄干味啊 你知道吗 Oatmeal raisin? You know what?
真正的艺术家不会阻止自己尝试新体验 A true artist doesn't close themselve off to new experiences.
哪怕是看起来再不妙的饼干... Even vile illlevan cookies.
这就是我所选择的人生道路 That's the path I've chosen.
尽量去体验并观察人事物 To experiences and observe everything
一起在这名为人生的美丽盛会上狂舞 in this beautiful pageant we called life.