翻译: 亿生 Eris 乃猹
校对: 濑成一 pendz
我叫Nathan Fielder My name is Nathan Fielder,
后期: 满甲雪和三头肌 pendz
毕业于加拿大最顶尖的商学院之一 And I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools
学业成绩单
并且成绩优异 with really good grades.
压制: 肉包
如今 我运用我的学识 Now, I'm using my knowledge
来帮助挣扎求生的小企业主 to help struggling small business owners
在这个竞争激烈的世界里获得成功 make it in this competitive world.
总监: pendz
改造前
改造后
面包和糕点
改造前
改造后
面包糕点
这 This...
救援 高手
电波诚译
第一季 第二集
就是救援高手 is Nathan for You.
这个人的衣服下藏着上帝钦赐的大礼 Underneath this man's clothes is a huge gift from God.
你们能猜到是什么吗 Can you guess what it is?
没错 就是圣诞老人的身躯 That's right. His Santa Claus body.
James Bailey作为专业的圣诞老人 James Bailey has been a professional Santa
已有20余年 for over 20 years.
如果你长得和他挺像的话 你也可以做到 And if you looked like him, you'd be one too.
我身高1米95 重317斤 I am 6'4", and I do weigh 350 pounds.
专业圣诞老人
- 我操 - 没错 我操 - Holy sh*t. - Yeah, holy sh*t.
是啊 Yeah.
我是说 我的医生们想让我减减肥 I mean, my doctors would like me to lose some weight.
所以你要么活得更长久一点 So it's the trade-off between living longer
要么选择当个垂死的圣诞老人 or dying and getting to be Santa.
哪一种更好呢 这很难说 It's like, what's better? It's hard to say.
是啊 的确很难选择 Well, it's very hard to say.
但对于这样一个致力于给我们带来欢乐的人来说 But for someone so committed to bringing us joy,
遗憾的是一年中的大部分时间 It's a shame that, for most of the year,
James都处于完全失业的状态 James is completely out of work.
夏天一到 In the summertime,
圣诞老人就变成了无家可归的人 Santa Claus becomes a homeless person.
但如果我没有对策的话我也不会来这儿了 But I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a solution.
你知道为什么夏天是买冬装最好的时节吗 So you know how the best time to buy a winter coat is in the summer?
因为这时是打折季 'Cause that's when all the sales are.
没错 Yes.
所以我在想的是把这种策略 So what I'm thinking is that same approach...
应用到圣诞老人上 with Santa.
我没看出来这怎么适用于圣诞老人 I'm not seeing how that applies to Santa Claus.
证据:
每年圣诞节 人们都在商场里排队 Every Christmas, people line up in malls
为了和圣诞老人合影 to get their pictures taken with Santa.
但如果你能在人不多的情况下合影 But what if you could do it when it's less crowded
而且还是半价呢 and at half the cost?
计划:
我的计划是在夏天和圣诞老人特价合影 The plan--discount photos with Santa in the summer.
在夏天和圣诞老人 拍打折照片
这是个不错的主意 Yeah, that's a great idea.
- 我看到美元的符号在你眼中闪烁 - 嗯 - I can see the dollar signs in your eyes. - Yeah.
真的 Yeah.
好的 Right.
为了让计划行得通 For this to work,
我们得联系好一家商场 we needed to ge t a shopping mall onboard,
商场经理Sweeney Montinola And mall manager Sweeney Montinola
在位于加州卡森市的南湾阁商场工作 At the Southbay Pavilion in Carson, California,
她愿意让我们实施这个计划 was happy to let us try out our concept.
南湾阁商场经理
我觉得夏日的圣诞老人是个有趣又独特的点子 I think Santa in the summer is a fun and unique idea,
而且对南湾阁商场也有好处 And it will be great for Southbay Pavilion.
商场联系好了 现在是时候 With a mall onboard, it was now time
为我们的圣诞村买一些必需品了 to buy the supplies for our Christmas village.
你们家最热的租赁品是什么 哪个节日的 Which stuff do you rent for the most, which holiday?
- 圣诞节 - 圣诞节吗 - Christmas. - Christmas?
- 是的 - 好 - Yes. - Okay.
你还真是把这些藏在角落里了 是吧 You really shoved this away in a corner, huh?
对 Yep.
- 没有人喜欢这个吗 - 是啊 - No one likes this? - Yes.
但租借完装饰品后 不好的事情发生了 But after renting our props, something bad happened.
商场的政策是要对所有的员工进行背景调查 The mall's policy requires a background check on all employees.
加利福尼亚州
司法部
刑事情报与分析局
但当我们调查James时 But when we had one run on James,
真的查到了点东西 Something actually turned up.
所以我去拜访了他 了解一下具体情况 So I paid him a visit to see what the story was.
你有犯罪记录吗 You have a criminal record?
啊 是的 Well, yeah.
就那么一次 还是轻罪 The only-- it was a misdemeanor,
真的 就是很多年前的一次酒驾 Really, from a DUI many years ago.
好吧 Okay.
我不敢相信我所听到的一切 I couldn't believe what I was hearing,
但话说回来 在我见到James的第一天 but then again, from the first day I met James,
我就知道他和其他的圣诞老人不一样 I could tell he was different from other Santas.
这是史密斯威森公司的点五零马格南 This is a Smith & Wesson .500 Magnum.
这是把点四五半自动 This is a .45 caliber semi-automatic.
点二二步枪 .22 rifle.
AK-47突击步枪 这个口径是点三百的 The AK-47. This is a .300.
小巧的霰弹枪 要是你喜欢霰弹枪的话 Little shotgun in case you're into shotguns.
这是点三五七的马格南 而且已经装弹了 This is a .357 magnum, and that one is loaded.
听着 我们不能把装弹的枪带出去 Okay, we can't take out a loaded gun.
除了这个你没犯别的事 And there hasn't been any other crimes
需要我知道的吧 that I should know about.
对 没什么别的事了 No, there's nothing there.
尽管James有一份犯罪记录 Even though James had a criminal record
还有一个装满了枪的衣柜 and a closet full of guns,
我还是看得出来他是个好人 I could still tell he was a good guy.
但当我回到南湾阁商场时 But when I went back to Southbay Pavilion,
发现他们并不是这样想的 they didn't see it that way.
我不会允许任何有着犯罪背景的人 I wouldn't allow anyone that has any kind of background
与孩子近距离接触 to be that close to kids.
我想说 他人真的很好 I mean, he's a really good guy.
我觉得你会喜欢他的 I think you'd really like him.
你都说错了 No and no.
- 好吧 - 绝对不行 - Okay. - Definitely no.
我不知道要如何告诉James商场并不想要他 I didn't know how to tell James that the mall didn't want him,
但我还是去了他家告知他这个消息 But I paid him a visit to break the news.
把相机提前准备好也很重要 It's also important if we could have it set up
这样就可以当场打印照片了 so that we could print the photos right there.
没错 Right.
你懂的 我们会用数码相机 You know, so we do the digital.
- 把照片拍下来 - 对 当然 - We get the pictures taken. - Sure, sure.
这样可能会吸引更多的人 So that might help draw more people in.
是 我和商场的销售总监谈过了 Right, so I spoke to the director of marketing at the mall.
好的 Okay.
然后 呃 And...uh...
他们同意我们这么做吗 They're okay with us doing it?
同意了吗 太好了 Yeah? Great.
那我们就要让这一切成真了 So we're gonna make this happen then.
这真是太了不起了 That's outstanding.
- 是啊 - 那好 - Yeah. - Good.
- 嗯 - 我只想对你说谢谢 - Yeah. - I just gotta say thank you.
真的 我觉得这个主意棒极了 Really. I think this is awesome.
James看起来那么激动 James seemed so excited,
于是我就没忍心 and I just didn't have the heart
告诉他他被商场拒于门外了 to tell him that he wasn't wanted by the mall.
所以我唯一的目标就是让这一切实现 So my only goal was to make it happen.
我希望的是 如果我们早点进去 My hope was that, if we got in there early,
就能让James拍差不多半小时的照片 we could do about 1/2 hour's worth of photos with James
赶在有人意识到我们不应该出现之前 before anyone realized we weren't supposed to be there.
所以在八月二号的早上 So on the morning of August 2nd,
我们悄悄地把卡车停在杰西潘尼店后 we quietly pulled our truck up behind the JCPenney.
在卸下圣诞村的道具之前 And before unloading the village,
我和James简单地说了两句 I had a quick word with James.
先告诉你一声 如果我说了"中止" Just so you know, if I ever say "Abort,"
我们就走到出口去 如果你可以的话 we should just walk to the exit if you can.
- 中止 - 对 - Abort. - Yeah.
呃 Um...
行吧 Okay.
好嘞 就这样 Okay. That's it.
好了 快一点 伙计们 All right, quicker, guys.
南湾阁
我们马上就要开圣诞展了 We're gonna be doing a Santa display soon.
要不放在这儿 Maybe over here.
也许 背景可以放在这儿 Maybe, like, the background is here.
你想和圣诞老人拍张照片吗 Do you want your picture taken with Santa?
来吧 Come.
- 你好呀 - 太好了 - Hi, there. - Hey, yeah!
你叫什么名字 来 到这来 小家伙 What's your name? Here, come here, little one.
没错 你知道该怎么做 Yes. You know how to do it.
好耶 Yeah.
笑得开心点 看着照相机 Big smile. Look at the camera.
谁允许你们在这儿的？
商场经理 她名字叫啥来着 The mall manager. What's her name again?
你叫什么名字？
我是 呃 Nat 我只是个小精灵 I'm, uh, Nat-- I'm just an elf.
行吧
等等 呃 Wait. Um--
你愿意和圣诞老人一起拍张照吗 Would you like your photo taken with Santa?
只要五美元 $5 only.
因为现在时节还早 所以是折扣价 It's discounted prices 'cause it's earlier in the year.
- 不好意思 - 好吧 快来 - Excuse me. - Okay, come.
出口就在那儿 请吧
好的 Okay.
发生什么了？
- 中止 中止
- 中止吗
咱们走 来吧 Let's go. Come on.
拿着这个
拿上点东西咱们就走
这边 This way.
让一下 Excuse me.
嘿 你能离摄像机远一点吗 拜托 Hey, can you stay away from the cameras, please?
呃 不行
你不能站这前面 拜托你 You can't go in front of-- please.
你能离我们的摄影师远一点吗 Can you stay away from our camera person?
该走了
- 好 我们这就走 - 那好 - Okay, we're going. - That's nice.
我每小时才赚九刀 快走
我们在走了 We are leaving.
Nathan 你需要我制止他吗 Nathan, you want me to stop him?
你说什么？
我问他想不想让我制止你 I said, does he want me to stop you?
制止我吗？
是的 Yeah.
你可以试试
真的
你来吧
你从来没惹过圣诞老人 对吧 You've never messed with Santa Claus, have you?
真好笑 快走吧
- 好了 - 冷静点 兄弟 - All right, okay. - Just cool it, dude.
不 没事的 James No, it's okay. James.
- 我已经在门外了 别这样了 - 我的天啊 - I'm out of the door. Stop it. - Oh, my goodness.
James 跟我走 .James, come with me.
没跟你们开玩笑 赶紧离开
好 我知道 我们都只是想做好自己的工作 Okay, I know--we're both trying to do our jobs.
我他妈不管
他妈闭上你的臭嘴快他妈滚出去
好 别说脏话 这还有小孩呢 Okay, don't swear. There's kids around.
- 别骂脏话 - 立刻 - Do not swear. - Now!
旁边还有小孩呢 There's kids around.
动起来
你不能在身边有孩子的时候说脏话 You can't swear when there's children around.
快走
知道了 我这就走 Yes, I'm walking.
我们都是在做本职工作 好吗 We're both trying to do our jobs, okay?
你不能想当然地以为你的工作比我的重要 So you can't think your job's more important than mine.
这 Well--
小心点 Watch out.
离远点 谢谢 Stay back, please.
你不能在孩子面前说那个F开头的脏词 You can't say the "F" Word around kids.
刚才发生了什么 What just happened?
好吧 呃 Okay, um...
当我和商场经理谈话时 When I talked to the mall manager
我告诉了她犯罪记录的事 and I told her about the criminal record thing,
她不愿意雇用我们 she didn't wanna have us.
所以我们进去 So we weren't allowed...
- 是未经许可的 - 怎么会提到那个 - to be in there. - That came up?
但我不想告诉你 因为我觉得你会难过 But I didn't wanna tell you because I thought you'd be sad.
所以我就想坚持到底 So I wanted to go through with it.
我真心觉得这已经上升到人权问题 I mean, I--I honestly felt like it's a human rights issue.
不能因为你过去做了一件小错事 You have to be able to be able to do this
就剥夺你做这件事的权利 when you did something so small in the past.
那哥们一副要干架的仗势 That guy almost wanted to fight.
但你刚刚走向前和他对峙 But just what you did, stepping up to him,
再次证明了我的观点 just again proves, like, my point
你是一个超赞的人 of how great of a guy you are.
谢谢 Oh.
以及你值得拥有做这件事的权利 And just how much you deserve to be doing this.
是的 这很棒 Well, yeah, this is great.
小孩子们很开心 刚才真的很有趣 The little kids are enjoying it. That was fun.
最重要的是我们表明了立场 The main point is we made a stance.
- 嗯 - 而且我们所做的是正确的 - Okay. - And we did what was right.
好的 All right.
你明白了吗 You understand?
是的 我懂你的意思 Yeah, I'm with you there.
- 圣诞快乐 兄弟 - 好的 兄弟 - Merry christmas, bro. - Okay, guy.
- 好的 - 嗯 - All right. - Okay.
*圣诞快乐* *Noel, noel*
夏日圣诞快乐
帮助有犯罪记录的人自我救赎的感觉很棒 It felt good to help someone with a criminal record redeem themselves.
但是如果我能趁某人年轻时 But what if I could prevent someone from entering a life of crime
就防止他铸下大错呢 while they were still young?
当我看见这样的景象 When I see stuff like this,
我看见的是一个可能误入歧途的青年 I see what's probably a teenager headed down the wrong path.
所以我决定抓住一个正在涂鸦的青年 So I decided to catch a teen doing graffiti
然后在他步入犯罪生涯之前警告他的父母 and then warn his parents before he turns to a life of crime.
因此 我做了一系列一眼看上去无伤大雅的 To do this, I created a series of fake promotional posters
假海报来宣传我的电视节目 for my tv show that may seem innocuous,
但对于爱搞破坏的幼稚小孩来说 but to an immature vandal,
这些海报将是很大的诱惑 would be extremely tempting to deface.
为了知道哪一张海报最容易成功 To see which one would work best,
我们将这些海报进行了一周的试点 we left the posters up for a week
洛杉矶的很多地方都可以见到 in several locations around the city of los angeles.
让我惊讶的是 To my surprise,
"每一枚硬币都很重要"的海报 the "Every penny counts" poster,
"风险等于回报" "Risk equals reward",
"为了安全系好鞋带" "Tie shoes for safety"
以及"做事要灵活变通"的海报 and "Be flexible"
并没有招致任何涂鸦 didn't attract any graffiti at all.
不过 "胸怀远大理想" However, "Dream big"
和"敢于挑战权威"的海报中了奖 and "Stand up to the big guys" did.
我决定使用"敢于挑战权威"的海报 I decided to go with "Stand up to the big guys"
因为上面可以画两个鸡巴 since there was opportunity for two d*cks
我们把它贴在一面靠近当地中学的墙上 and put it up on a wall near a local high school.
我留了一支笔还加了一个贴纸 I left a pen and added a sticker
这让那些自作聪明的家伙 that would make the act even more irresistible
不要在此海报上画丁丁
更加难以抵抗涂鸦的诱惑 to an immature smart aleck.
一切准备就绪 With all the elements in place,
我在街对面的一辆面包车中进行观察 I watched from a van across the street,
时刻准备着突袭 ready to pounce at any moment.
我们等一下再回来查看这边 We'll check back with this in a bit.
接下来 首先 But first...
Terry Fox已经经营了加州橡树谷街道 Terry Fox has been running this petting zoo
这家爱畜动物园很多年了 in Oak Glen, California for years.
爱畜动物园是以人们可以抚摸园内动物为特色的动物园
- 我能摸摸这只胖胖的猪吗 - 没问题 - Can I touch the fat pig? - Yes, you may.
当然可以 Absolutely.
但是由于其他几个爱畜动物园 But with several other petting zoos
都建在离加州主城区更近的地方 located closer to the major city of Los Angeles,
Terry要想法子让自己动物园的客人变多 Terry needs to give people a good reason to visit hers.
这就是我要帮她解决的 And that's where I come in.
人们去海洋世界不是为了看鲸鱼 People don't go to seaworld to see a whale.
而是为了去看杀人鲸"莎母" They go to see shamu.
- 好的 - 谁是你们的"莎母" - Right. - Who's your shamu?
我们的"莎母"是这个爱畜农场 我们的猪和山羊 Our shamu is our petting farm. Our pigs, our goats.
"莎母"应该是一只动物 Shamu is one animal.
好的 Right.
如果一定要选一只动物的话 So if I had one animal to pick,
呃 那就该是我们的猪们 Um, it would be the pigs.
"猪们"是复数 The pigs is multiple...
- 复数 是的 - 动物们 - Multiple, yes. - Animals.
是的 Mm hmm.
- 所以你们没有 - 你 - So you don't-- - you just--
- 你们没有"莎母" - 我们没有一头"莎母" - You don't have a shamu. - We just don't have one shamu.
我们没有 No, we don't.
我的任务是让橡树谷爱畜动物园成为 My mission was to make oak glen petting zoo
任务:
让橡树谷爱畜动物园 成为热门景点
一个热门景点 a destination.
他们需要的是一只明星动物 And what they needed was a star animal.
计划
制造一只明星动物
计划是塑造一只英雄小猪 The plan. To create a hero pig
方法是策划导演一个他勇救落水小羊的大热视频 by staging a viral video in which he rescues a baby goat from drowning.
小猪勇救山羊
哦 好的 Oh, okay.
我认为如果你有一个像那样的视频 So I think if you had a video like that,
人们就会不惜从遥远的国度 像日本啊 People would come from places as foreign as Japan,
以及更远的 比如中国 and even more foreign like China,
就为了来看一眼你们的英雄小猪 just to see your hero pig.
那很棒啊 That would be great.
第一步是挑选我们的动物 The first step was picking our animals.
Vince将会是我们的英雄猪 Vince would be our hero pig,
而山羊"匪子"将会是我们的遇险者 and Gangster the goat would be our victim.
动物园有一个很大的鳟鱼池塘 The zoo had a large trout pond,
所以这里将会是我们这次营救的发生地点 so this would be the setting for our rescue.
但是当我把Vince抱着靠近池水时 But when I brought Vince near the water,
我发现他是个彻头彻尾的懦夫 I realized he was an incredible coward.
好的 好的 Okay, okay!
- 好啦 好啦 好啦 - 不 不 不 - Okay, okay, okay! - no, no, no, no!
所以我们雇了一些驯兽师 So we hired some animal handlers
找了一只和Vince长得十分相似的专业演员猪 to bring in a professional movie pig that looked identical to Vince.
现在的问题是我们该如何让一头猪 The question now was how do we get a pig
在镜头下去救一头山羊 to rescue a goat on camera?
答案是 你不能 Answer? You can't.
所以我们决定找两个水肺潜水员 So I decided to have two scuba divers
秘密地潜在动物身下 secretly submerged beneath the animals
指引着猪游向山羊 guiding the pig towards the goat
让这一切看起来像一场真正的救援 to make it look like a real rescue.
在开始的几次尝试中 During the first couple attempts,
小猪老是从潜水员的手中滑走 the pig kept slipping out of the divers' hands.
所以我们决定用聚氯乙烯造一个水下跑道 So we decided to build an underwater track out of pvc
来引导小猪 to guide the pig
就如同保龄球滚下缓震跑道一样 like a bowling ball going down a bumper lane.
这样的效果好了许多 This worked a lot better,
我满怀希望地认为这能骗过网上的观众 and I was hopeful it would fool the internet audience
让他们相信这是真的 into believing this video was real.
但是随着参与人数的增加 But as the amount of people involved began to grow,
包括驯兽师 特技演员 including animal trainers, stuntmen,
以及动物保护协会代表 我开始担心起来 and humane society reps, I started to get worried.
毕竟这只是假象的事实不能传出去 After all, word couldn't get out that this was fake
不然这对橡树谷来说会是灾难性的丑闻 or it would be a disastrous scandal for Oak Glen.
所以我叫在场的每一个人签一份保密协议 So I asked everyone on set to sign non-disclosure agreements
让他们发誓不会告诉任何人 stating that they swore not to tell anyone
这场救援是假的 the rescue was fake
不然他们将会面临死刑的惩罚 or else they would face the death penalty.
虽然我的律师说那条死刑条款没有法律效力 Even though my lawyer said the death penalty clause was not enforceable,
但我还是将它保留了 I still wanted to leave it in there
这样人们就会知道我是有多么认真的了 so people knew how serious I was.
在几次失败的尝试之后 After several failed attempts,
我们终于记录下了一场救援 we finally got the rescue on tape.
我们有了视频 而且很棒 We had our video. And it was great.
但我们现在需要一个有说服力的背景故事 But now we needed a convincing backstory.
如果这个视频火起来了 媒体会想要知道 If this goes viral, the press will wanna know--
是谁拍摄的这个视频 who filmed this video?
不能是我 因为我有拍电视剧的背景 It couldn't be me with my background in television.
"乔恩·本杰明有一辆面包车"
由喜剧中心提供的片段
人们在一英里外就能闻到欺骗的味道了 People would smell a hoax from a mile away.
但有个人是大家都不会起疑心的 But there was one person no one would ever suspect.
圣诞老人 Santa Claus.
为了减少我自己与这个猪救山羊视频之间的联系 In order to distance myself from the pig rescuing goat video,
我找来了James让他同意说这是他拍的视频 I got James to agree to say that he was the one who shot it.
为了增加可信性 So for believability,
我需要录下James的声音 I needed to record audio of James
来让这个视频听起来像是他在现场拍摄的 to make it sound like he was there on the day it was filmed.
山羊掉水里了 山羊掉水里了 Goat in the water! Goat in the water!
山羊掉水里了 Goat in the water!
是的 山羊掉水里了 Yeah. Goat in the water.
现在 我得确保Terry跟上了整个计划的进度 Now, I needed to be sure that Terry was with the program.
当媒体来采访时 So when the media comes a-knocking...
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
- 你这样说 - 好的 - Here's what you say. - Okay.
- 一字不差的 - 好的 - Verbatim. - Okay.
我有时会把动物们带到池塘边 I sometimes take the animals out to the pond.
那天 我因为要回办公室拿口红而离开了 That day, I left to go get my lipstick from the office.
那只山羊一定就是在那期间滑进了池塘 That's when the goat must've slipped in.
我没有看见那场救援 I never saw the rescue.
但是一位好心人给我看了那个视频 However, a good samaritan showed me the video.
我未能得知他的姓名或者性别 I never got his name or his gender.
现在你重复 Now repeat.
等一下 Gimme a minute.
我有时 I sometimes...
我有时会把动物们带到池塘边 I sometimes take the animals out to the pond.
来 我帮你写下了 Here, I did write it down for you.
谢谢 Thank you.
Terry开始背剧本了 With terry's script to memorize,
这个英雄小猪的故事也开始变得更真实具体了 the hero pig story was becoming more concrete.
"山羊滑进了池塘" 好的 "When the goat slipped in." Okay.
但之后我意识到我还有一张嘴要封掉 But then I realized I had one more mouth to shut.
当我们在拍摄这场救援时 While we were filming the rescue,
其中一个潜水员 Alex one of the scuba divers, Alex,
告诉了我一些十分私人的事情 was telling me some pretty personal stuff
他曾共事过的演员的事情 about actors he's worked with in the past.
詹妮弗·安妮斯顿和本·斯蒂勒 Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller.
本挺胆大的 Ben's pretty bold.
他有次在夏威夷要拍一场裸体在水中的戏 He had to do some kinda nude water stuff over in hawaii...
是电影<遇见波莉>中的 for "Along Came Polly".
我和他拍那部电影时共事过 I did that movie with him.
Alex很明显是一个麻烦 Alex was clearly a liability,
我不能让他在干下一份工作时泄露我们视频的细节 and I couldn't have him spilling details about our video on his next job.
所以我叫他在比科地铁站与我见面 So I asked him to meet me at the Pico Subway Station
来一次"提醒"谈话 to have a little reminder chat.
- 感谢你能在这儿和我见面 - 你好 - Thanks for meeting me here. - What's up?
- 最近怎么样 - 没什么 很好 - How's it going? - No worries. Good.
- 那很好 哦 你有点紧张啊 来 - 呃 - Good. Oh, you're a bit tense. Here! - So, uh...
- 就是 - 来站在 - Well, you know... - Come and stand...
- 站在这里 - 好啊 怎么了 - Stand right here. - Yeah, right, what?
- 你最近怎么样啊 - 挺好的 - So how you been? - Good.
我只是想问一下 I just wanted to ask--
你还记得我们拍的那个"小猪救山羊"的视频吗 Do you remember that "Pig Rescues Goat" video we made?
记得 Yeah.
你没有跟别人说起过它什么的吧 You haven't been talking to anyone about that or anything, have you?
你这样像是在威胁我一样 You look like you're trying to like threaten me.
- 什么 - 你这样像是 - What? - You look like you're--
不 不 才没有 No, no! Not at all!
你肩都酸了 所以我才这么做的 You're shoulders were sore. That's why I was doing that.
别这样 Come on.
因为我会非常的 Just 'cause I'd be very...
- 非常难过 - 是啊 - very upset... - Yeah.
如果你告诉别人的话 if you told someone about--
- 你能不能 - 好吧好吧 - Could you-- - All right, all right.
行了 对不起 别 对不起 Okay, yes, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Yes.
我不该这么做 I shouldn't have done that.
但是请别告诉其他人 好吗 Yeah, but please don't tell anyone, okay?
- 好吧 谢谢 - 没问题 - Okay. Thank you. - No worries.
好的 Okay.
我的多疑占了上风 My paranoia was getting the best of me.
视频甚至还没上传 The video hadn't even been uploaded,
而我已经开始担心 and I was already getting worried
人们会泄露这个秘密 about people revealing the secret.
而且 重新看这个视频 Plus, watching the video again,
我开始怀疑这能不能骗过所有人 I started to doubt that this would fool anyone.
"山羊掉水里了" "Goat in the water!"
我现在能做的只有上传这个视频 All I could do at this point was upload the video
然后让公众来判断 and let the public decide.
"山羊掉水里了" "Goat in the water!"
12小时后
当我第二天早上醒来 When I woke up the next morning,
我很惊讶地看到视频已经被发在 I was astounded to see that the video had been posted
掴克网 伯姆世界和一个健身信息板上 on Gawker, eBaum's World, and a bodybuilding message board.
它已经有了三千多播放量 It had over 3,000 views,
这比我期望中的多多了 and that was way more than I ever expected.
然后我看到它爬上了Reddit热门 Then I saw it was climbing the charts on reddit.
一个动物园里 小猪勇救溺水小山羊
过了一小时我又查看了一下播放量 Then I checked the view count an hour later.
卧槽 Holy s**t.
接下来 这可能听起来像海上救援 By the way, this may sound like a sea rescue,
但是一只山羊 一只小山羊 but a goat-- a baby goat--
被困在了水里 gets stuck in water.
这头猪可真了不起 你一定得看看 This is some pig. You have to see it.
一只爱畜动物园的山羊被困在了湖里 A goat at a petting zoo got stuck in a lake.
- 这真的发生了 - 真是太酷了 - This really happened. - That was cool!
别害怕 那有一只猪 Have no fear, there's a pig there.
你在华纳公司都拍不出这种效果 I mean, you couldn't do this at Warner Brothers
做成动画片都没法让它看起来更逼真 as a cartoon and make it seem more realistic.
我们有义务传播这个视频 We're wayward duty-bound to pass this on.
这是今日最热门的网络视频 It's the leading web video today.
虽然我们也没法知道它是不是真的 While we have no way of knowing if it's real,
这据悉是在一家爱畜动物园拍的 this was apparently shot at a petting zoo.
"山羊掉水里了" "Goat in the water!"
那是一只掉入深水区的小山羊 That's a baby goat who got out into too deep water.
开始呼喊求助 begins crying for help.
这只猪登场了 Enter this pig.
就好像全世界都在谈论我的视频 It seemed like the whole world was talking about my video.
有那么一会儿 我感觉很糟 因为它不是真的 For a moment, I felt bad because it wasn't real.
但是后来我明白那不重要 But then I realized that that didn't matter.
即使是不同物种 他还是去帮助 Interspecies, he went and helped--
学着点吧 人类 Learn from it, humans.
在这个愤世嫉俗的时代 In these cynical times,
别吃肉了 所有生命都很珍贵
我见过的最可爱的事情
人们渴望去相信一些东西 People are desperate for something to believe in.
这太基了
人类能从中学到些东西
而我提醒了人们 单纯去相信完全没有问题 And I gave people a reminder that it's okay just to believe.
那只猪是怎么解救那只山羊的 How did the pig free the goat?
就是引导它 推着它 Just kinda guided it, just pushed him.
每天Elizabeth都是 "这怎么做到的" Every day with Elizabeth is like "How did this happen?"
我一直知道这个视频很特殊 I always knew this video was something special.
这就是为什么 最后 And that's why, in the end,
我决定不在上面标出宠物动物园的名字 I decided not to put the name of the petting zoo on it.
我不想让它成为一个广告 I didn't want it to come across like an ad,
- 你懂的 给爱畜动物园打广告 - 嗯哼 好吧 - you know, for the petting zoo. - Mm-hmm, right.
我觉得那太容易被识破了 I thought it would be a bit transparent.
但是如果人们知道它是橡树村的话 But if people would've known that it was Oak Tree Village--
但是我说 你不能这么自私 But I mean, you can't be so selfish.
自私吗 Selfish?
我的意思是 如果人们喜欢这个视频 Well, I mean, if people love the video,
就像 It's like--
不能全是生意上的事 can't just be all about the business.
但这本来就是应该关于生意的啊 But that's what it was supposed to be about,
从你一开始提出来的时候 when you first came up.
它就应该是关于生意啊 It was supposed to be about the business.
Terry看上去并不明白 Terry just didn't seem to understand.
但是我不能让我帮助的人空手而归 but I don't leave those that I help empty-handed.
所以我为她做了这个标志 That's why I made her this sign.
英雄小猪Vince的家
随着我继续等待年轻的破坏公物者的出现 As my stakeout for a young vandal continued,
我开始感到沮丧 I was starting to get frustrated.
我已经监视那张海报四个多小时了 I'd been monitoring the poster for over four hours,
可并没有人在上面乱涂乱画 And no one had defaced it.
有那么一会儿 我以为这行不通了 For a moment, I thought this wasn't going to work.
但是很快就证明我错了 But I was quickly proven wrong.
噢 他在拿那支笔 Oh, he's taking the pen.
我的天哪 Oh, my god.
他真的在画 在镜头前 He's actually doing it. On camera.
就是现在 我们走 Let's go! Let's go!
- 嗨 哥们 - 嗨 - Hey, man. - Hey.
- 嗨 你好吗 - 你好吗 - Hey, how's it going? - How's it going?
挺好的 你在这干什么呢 Cool, what are you doing there?
噢 真好笑啊 你画了个鸡巴 Oh, that's so funny. You drew a d**k.
- 是啊 - 嗯 这真的很好笑 - Yeah. - Yeah, that's really funny.
我们在做一档关于青年人的节目 酷的年轻人 We're doing a show about teens--cool teens--
- 叫<青年街> - 嗯哼 - Called "Teen street." - Uh-huh.
我们为了节目能问你几个问题吗 Is it cool if we ask you a few questions for the show?
- 当然 没问题 - 好的 酷 - Sure, no problem. - All right, cool.
这个真好笑 超级好笑 That's really funny. That's mega funny.
这不是个好青年 This teen was no good,
他的父母需要知道他做了什么 and his parents needed to know what he did.
所以为了赢得他的信任 So to earn his trust,
我告诉他我们想要做 I told him we wanted to make
关于他的一整集<青年街> an entire "Teen street" Episode about him.
所以我们用他下午剩下的时间 So we spent the rest of his afternoon
为了一个假的节目拍摄片段 shooting segments for a fake show.
粗剪版
第一集(Kyle)
项目：青年街
怎样 我是Kyle What up! I'm Kyle.
19岁 这里是<青年街> 19 years old. And this is "Teen street."
要是你不喜欢 去你的 If you don't like it, f**k you.
我想做什么就做什么 I do whatever the I want,
而且我可以想做什么就做什么 and I can do whatever I want.
我最骄傲的事是我赚了一大堆钱 The thing I'm most proud of is I make a s**tload of money.
不后悔 No regrets.
听听这个 Listen to that!
砰 Bam.
我玩滑板六年 打鼓六年 Yeah, I skated for six years, played the drums for six years,
而且玩过泰拳和巴西柔术 and did Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
你得爱你的妈妈 You have to love your mom.
如果你不爱 玩蛋去吧 If you don't, go f**k yourself.
这个节目是关于城里的最酷年轻人 This show is about the coolest teens in town.
<青年街> 婊子们 "Teen street," Bitches!
纹身大道
十三岁的时候第一个纹身 First tattoo when I was 13.
这是唯一一个从不跟我抱怨的女孩 This is the only girl that never complains to me.
好了 现在我要给你们看看我住哪 All right, so now I'm gonna show you where I live.
咱们走吧 Let's do this.
这个片段的最后一部分 For the final part of the segment,
我说我们要去他家里转转 I said we had to do a tour of his house.
他不知道 He didn't know it,
但是他是在把我带到他的父母那 but he was leading me right to his parents,
然后我要告诉他们他对我的海报做了什么 and I was going to tell them what he did to my poster.
怎样 这是我家 What up? This is my pad.
这就是我花时间制造麻烦的地方 This is where I spend my time making trouble.
我带你快速转转 I'm gonna show you a tour real quick.
这个美丽的女士是谁 So who's this lovely lady?
- 这是我妈妈 Sheri - 太好了 伙计 - This is my mom Sheri. - Awesome, man.
- 很高兴见到你 - 年轻人也有妈妈啊 - Nice to meet you. - Guess teens have moms.
- 可不是吗 - 是啊 - Right? - Yeah.
好的 但是我们要稍微严肃一点 All right, but we need to stop laughing for a moment,
因为我们要坐下来 我有些事要说 because we have to sit down. I have something to talk about.
好吧 Okay.
他在这画了两根鸡巴 He's drawn two penises right there.
你可以看到我正拿着它们 And you can see I'm holding them
就好像我在给这两个男人做手活 As if I'm masturbating these two men.
你的儿 你竟然在笑 Your s--you're laughing.
- 我没有 - 你是觉得 - I don't-- - What do you find--
- 这对你来说很好笑吗 - 我 不 - Is that funny to you? - I--no.
- 这并不好笑 - 这些鸡巴 - This is not funny. - The penises?
- 你喜欢这样吗 - 不 - Do you like that? - No.
像那样被握着 Being held like that?
那 所以这 好吧 Is that-- so this is--okay.
所以这对你来说很好笑 So this is funny to you.
让我惊讶的是 甚至他的妈妈都没有认真对待这件事 To my surprise, even his mom wasn't taking this seriously.
幸好 我找到了一个洛杉矶警察帮我纠正他 Luckily, I had an LAPD officer with me to set him straight.
洛杉矶警局
现在我们面前的是一个犯罪行为 What we have here is a crime.
如果有人看到你作案 If someone sees you commit the crime,
你会被逮捕然后进监狱 You can get arrested and go to jail.
而且相信我 你不会想进监狱的 And believe me, you don't wanna go to jail.
把鸡巴画在其他人的手里 Would drawing penises going into someone's hand
会演变成 呃 谋杀吗 be a segue to, you know, murder?
当然不会了 我不这么想 Of course not. I don't think so.
绝对不会吗 Never?
我不会说绝不 I'm not gonna say never.
所以可能会 那就是会了 So may--yes. So then yes.
- 如果他噎住了 那倒可能会 - Kyle - If he choked on it, maybe. - Kyle.
放尊重点 向人家道歉 Show respect and apologize.
- 这是个好办法 - 好吧 - It's a good way to go. - All right.
嗯 我很喜欢在你脸的旁边画鸡巴 Well, I did enjoy drawing penises next to your face,
但是我真的很抱歉 but I really do apologize.
不 我不接受 No, I don't accept that.
我不接受一个这么开头的道歉 I don't accept an apology that starts like that.
我为在你脸旁边画了一根鸡巴道歉 I apologize for drawing a penis next to your face.
- 好吧 - 那好 - Okay. - All right.
你是个好孩子 你很有潜力 You're a good kid. You have a lot of potential.
而且说实话 我在你身上看到了我的影子 And to be honest, I see some of myself in you.
但是你要努力变得更像我 But you just have to try to become more like me
而不是更不像你 and less like you.
不 我不同意 No, I disagree.
我觉得他应该更像他自己 I think he should be more like himself--
显然他不应该更像他自己 Well, he shouldn't be like himself obviously.
他可是画了鸡巴啊 Someone who draws penises.
看到动物们互相帮助总是很棒 It's always amazing to see animals helping each other out.
那个男人说 他是不是说什么 That guy said-- didn't he say something like,
"山羊掉水里了 山羊掉水里了" "Goat in the water! Goat in the water!"
- 是啊 - 之类的 - Yeah. - or something like that.
然后那只猪跳了进去 And the pig jumped in.
他绝对是带着任务去的 He's definitely on a mission.
他肯定是要去救那只山羊的 He's definitely going to save the goat.
你肯定不能说他不是 Like, there's no way you can say that he's not.
我爱这个视频 I love this video.
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