翻译: 柯希莫的枷锁 亿生 AndreaLau
校对: 濑成一
我叫Nathan Fielder My name is Nathan Fielder,
后期: pendz
毕业于加拿大最顶尖的商学院之一 and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools
学业成绩单
并且成绩优异 with really good grades.
压制: 肉包
如今 我运用我的学识 Now, I'm using my knowledge
来帮助挣扎求生的小企业主 to help struggling small business owners
在这个竞争激烈的世界里获得成功 make it in this competitive world.
总监: pendz
改造前
改造后
面包和糕点
改造前
改造后
面包糕点
这 This...
救援 高手
电波诚译
第一季 第八集
就是救援高手 is Nathan for You.
沃夫调查
Brian Wolfe号称自己是洛杉矶地区最好的私家侦探 Brian Wolfe claims to be the best private investigator in the Los Angeles area.
私家侦探
你懂我的意思吗 You know what I mean?
你让人们满意 他们就会 You keep people happy, they're gonna keep--
你就能 他们就会再雇佣你 You're gonna-- they're gonna come back.
我很愿意相信他的话 I'd love to take him at his word,
但我在Yelp上搜他的名字时 but when I looked him up on Yelp,
却没有一条点评 这可不妙 he had zero reviews, and that's not good.
无点评
于是我拜访了他 给他出了个主意来改变现状 So I paid him a visit with a plan to change that.
你最早发现你喜欢窥探别人是什么时候 When did you first know that you liked to snoop?
哈哈哈 窥探 Hahaha, snoop.
不 那并不是窥探 那只是 No, it's not really snooping. I mean, it's just--
- 就是啊 - 不是的 - Well, it is. - It's not.
你懂我意思吗 那叫观察 You know what I mean? It's observing.
我们管这个叫"观察" We call it "Observing".
好吧 现在情况是这样的 Well, here's the thing.
我在Yelp上搜了你 你没得到任何点评 I looked you up on Yelp, and you have zero reviews.
Yelp也有狗吠 尖叫的意思
没有点评 好吧 真是个好名字 "Yelp" Zero reviews. Well, what a name, "Yelp."
Yelp是一个网站 人们可以在上面查看 Yelp's a web site where people look--
你去谷歌一下我 You look me up on google.
你就搜"沃夫调查" You just look up "Wolfe investigations".
那Yelp怎么办 What about yelp?
行了 你一直都在说这个Yelp Okay, you keep on going on about Yelp.
我为什么要关心Yelp这个网站 Why do I care about Yelp?
好吧 说真的 我们来仔细想一下 好不 Seriously, no, let's just think about this for one second. Okay?
我做这行24年了 Been in business for 24 years.
为什么要关心Yelp上有没有对我的点评 Why do I care if Yelp has a review about me?
你觉得我会关心Yelp吗 Do you think I really care about yelp?
我他妈才不管什么Yelp I don't give a f**k about Yelp.
计划是 在Yelp上给沃夫调查第一条五星好评 The plan: Give Wolfe's investigations their first five-star Yelp review.
计划:
在Yelp上 给沃夫调查 一条五星好评
你他妈在开玩笑吧 You're f**king kidding me.
你发完脾气了没有 Are you done having your tantrum?
我没发脾气 我很淡定啊 I'm sitting down. I'm relaxed.
听着 Just listen.
除非知道你的业务水平 否则我不能给你点评 I can't just give you a review without knowing how good you are...
行吧 Okay.
- 所以我要雇你去跟踪一个人 - 行啊 - So I'm gonna hire you to track a person. - Okay.
我会给你24小时 I'm gonna give you 24 hours
来跟踪我的行迹 to track my whereabouts,
如果你出色地完成了任务 and if you do a good job at that,
我会给你一个五星好评 I'll give you a five-star review.
- 小菜一碟 - 真的吗 - Easy. - Easy?
- 小菜一碟 - 那好吧 - Easy. - All right.
- 来吧 - 准备好了吗 - Okay. - Ready?
- 好了 - 一切就绪了吗 - Ready. - Set?
出发吧 Go.
给我一点 Give me some--
先让我领先你一点 give me a chance to get a little bit of a head start.
行 Okay.
真受不了 It's too much.
典型的猫捉老鼠游戏 A classic game of cat and mouse.
如果Brian真像他自己说的那么好 If Brian was as good as he says he is,
他可能已经领先我两步了 he was probably two steps ahead of me already.
但还好我有个计划 But, luckily, I had a plan.
如果Brian想从我这里得到好评 If Brian wanted a good review from me,
并不是那么容易的 it wasn't gonna be easy.
让Brian跟踪一个我是一回事 It's one thing for Brian to track one of me,
但如果有九个我的话 他会怎么办呢 but let's see how he does with nine of me.
在拜访Brian之前 我雇了八个和我长得一模一样的演员 Prior to visiting Brian, I hired eight actors that looked identical to me,
并让他们在附近一家酒店待命 and had them ready and waiting in a nearby hotel room
以做我的诱饵 to be my decoys.
你们有一项任务 就是成为我 对吧 You guys have one job, which is to be me, right?
- 对 - 那么看看我是怎么站的 - Right. - So look how I'm standing.
看看我的姿势 听听我怎么说话 Look at my posture. Listen to how I'm talking.
- 懂了吗 - 好的 - You got that? - All right.
懂了 Got it.
我颌骨这块有点毛病 I have a bit of a jaw thing,
所以有时候我会这样揉一揉我的颌骨 so sometimes, I'll go like this to my jaw.
如果Brian在监视酒店 If Brian was watching the hotel,
这就是我第一个甩掉他的机会 this was my first chance to throw him off...
但我知道不管他在不在那 But I knew whether he was there or not,
他下一个去的地方一定会是我家 the next place he'd look is my house.
我觉得Nathan在家里 My understanding is that Nathan's at home,
所以我们现在就去那儿 so that's where we're headed right now.
所以我把我的最佳替身留在宾馆 So I kept the best body double back at the hotel
帮他准备一下扮成我去我家的情形 to prepare him to go to my home as me.
当你到了那 你懂的 So when you're there, you know,
你得演得像我 you need to be like me.
好的 Okay.
水槽里有一些盘子啥的 So there's a bunch of dishes in the sink.
你可以顺手洗掉 So you can do those.
呃 还有一些衣服要洗 Um, there's also laundry,
你也可以洗掉 so you could do that.
呃 还有房间要用吸尘器打扫一下 Um, and the house needs to be vacuumed.
所以你是想让我帮你做清洁吗 So you want me to clean your house?
没错 做一些看起来我会做的事 Yeah, stuff that would look like you're me.
好吧 Okay.
我给了他我家的钥匙和地址 I gave him my keys and my address,
但我也需要他家的 but now I needed his.
如果你是我 谁是你呢 对吧 If you're me, then who's you, right?
所以你扮成我的时候 我得变成你 So I gotta be you while you're being me.
- 你要我家钥匙吗 - 给我吧 没错 - Want my keys? - Give me-- yeah.
如果你觉得我不可理喻 If you think I'm being unreasonable,
要记住Brian可是专业的私家侦探 keep in mind that Brian is a professional P.I.
他能发现我计划里的任何矛盾点 And he'd be able to sniff out any inconsistencies in my plan.
你有女朋友吗 Do you have a girlfriend?
- 我有个未婚妻 - 未婚妻吗 - I have a fiancee, yeah. - A fiancee?
- 嗯哼 - 她电话号码多少 - Mm-hmm. - What's her number?
如果你是我 我就得变成你 I need to be you if you're me,
否则一切都没意义了 or else it won't make any sense.
你真的要她的号码吗 You want her number? Really?
对呀 Uh, yeah.
- 她叫Caitlin 对吧 - 对 - Caitlin, it was? - Yeah.
- 婚礼什么时候办 - 明年 - When's the wedding date? - Next year.
我们还没定好确切的时间 We still got to lock down a date.
- 你们还没定日子吗 - 没有 - You don't have a date yet? - No.
好吧 没准我能和她商量一下 Okay, maybe I'll figure that out with her.
- 呃 - 你来定吧 - Um... - You do that.
Dan同意让他的未婚妻也加入到计划中 With Dan's willingness to include his fiancee in the operation,
我们的身份互换正式生效 the switch was in full effect.
然后 我们尽可能谨慎地离开酒店 Then, we left as discreetly as possible
并开走了对方的车 and got into each other's cars.
我最初的预感是对的 My initial hunch was right.
Brian躲在街对面一辆SUV里悄悄地盯着我家 Brian was secretly watching my house from an SUV across the street.
希望我的替身计划能够成功 Hopefully, my plan to get my double inside would work.
噢 这可能就是我们的目标了 Oh, this could be our subject right now.
看啊 那是Nathan Look at that. It's Nathan.
他把车停在街北面 He's parked on the north side of the street.
猜对了 Bingo.
看上去他左肩上背了一箱啤酒 Looks like he's carrying a case of beer on his left shoulder.
真不错 Amazing.
晚上有个派对吧 Going to a party tonight.
他现在正走进房子 He's walking to the residence right now,
现在看不到他了 and now, he's out of view.
任务完成 Mission accomplished.
背啤酒的把戏确实把Brian糊弄过去了 The beer-on-shoulder trick actually fooled Brian,
但当时我还不知道 but, at the time, I didn't know that.
于是我来到Dan家 So I headed to Dan's house.
在路上 我稍微停了一下 And on my way, I made a quick stop.
- 嗨 你 你这里有卖避孕套吗 - 有的 先生 - Hi, do you-- do you sell any condoms at all? - Yes, sir.
我不知道到了Dan家之后会发生什么 I didn't know what was gonna happen once I got to Dan's house...
你有小一点的型号吗 Do you have anything that's smaller?
但我想做好充分准备 But I wanted to be prepared for everything...
- 这就是最小的了吗 - 是的 - This is the smallest? - Yes.
但当我抵达的时候 But when I arrived,
我的计划立刻泡汤了 my plan immediately started to crumble.
- 嗨 - 嗨 - Hey. - Hi.
他给我发消息说有人要过来 He left me a message that someone was coming over,
但我没想到会是这样的情况 but I wasn't expecting all this.
宝贝 呃 你说的那个人来了 Babe, um, so this guy showed up,
他一直管自己叫"Dan" and he keeps calling himself "Dan,"
他还给我带了花和葡萄酒 and he brought me flowers and some Malbec.
Dan的未婚妻被我吓坏了 Dan's fiancee was creeped out by me,
我不知该怎么办 and I didn't know what to do.
我是说 如果你离开的话我会感觉好点儿 I mean, I'd feel better if you, you know, left.
然后 等Dan回来之后 你可以再来拜访 And then, when Dan gets back, you can come back.
我的全部计划泡汤了 My whole plan was falling apart.
我很疲倦 除了放弃我别无选择 I was tired, and I had nothing left to do but give up.
- Nathan - 嗨 - Nathan. - Hey.
你怎么样 How are you doing?
好吧 我放弃了 你找到我了 All right, I give up. You got me.
你在打心理战 我跟不上你 You're playing mind games. I can't keep up.
你太没挑战性了 孩子 You're an easy prey, kid.
好吧 你是 你是专家 我能说什么呢 Well, you're the--you're a pro, so what can I say?
谢谢你 Thank you.
你要去喝点啤酒什么的吗 Do you wanna go grab a beer or something?
我知道街区里有个好地方 I know a great place down the block.
- 没问题啊 上车吧 - 你想去吗 - Let's do it, jump in. - Do you wanna?
好吧 来 快上车 Yeah, let's go. Come on.
好嘞 Okay.
你他妈谁啊 Who the f**k are you?
- 什么 - 你听到我说什么了 - What? - You heard what I said.
你他妈谁啊 Who the f**k are you?
- 我是Nathan - 不 你不是 - I'm Nathan. - You're not Nathan.
我三秒钟前还在和你说话 I just talked to you three seconds ago.
你猜怎么着 别耍花招了 You know what? Enough shenanigans.
立刻滚下我的车子 Get the f**k out of my truck now.
"那天我学到了一个重要的道理" "I learned an important lesson that day-- "
"无论我在哪儿" "That no matter where I was"
"无论我在一个地方呆了多久" "or how long I stayed in one place..."
你他妈是谁 滚出去 What the f**k are you? Get out!
"我会一直逃下去" "I'd always be running."
"只要Brian在追踪我 我永远都无家可归" "I'd always have no home while Brian hunted me down."
"但我学会的最重要的事情是" "But the most important thing I learned of all"
"Brian S. Wolfe" "is that Brian S. Wolfe"
"是一个出色的私家侦探" "is an amazing private investigator."
"四星" "Four stars."
"但他话有点多" "He's a little talkative,"
"因为这点减了一星" "so that's where he lost the one star."
"Nathan F." "Nathan F."
这就是给你的评价 That's your review.
你知道吗 You know what?
这只是你的看法 That's your opinion.
一般来说 我都会得到五颗星 Typically, I get five stars.
这个嘛 一般来说 根本没人给你留评价 Well, typically, you have no reviews.
我他妈一点也不在乎什么Yelp 知道了吗 I don't give a flying f**k about Yelp, okay?
我得给你做个背景调查了 I ought to do a background check on you,
看看你是哪种人 see what type of fellow you are.
你知道你是什么样的人吗 You know what you are?
你让我想到了孤独男巫 You remind me of the wizard of loneliness
因为你就是独自一人 孤零零地干着蠢事 'cause you your own self, your own wizard.
那就是你 That's what you are.
看看你 还他妈穿着粉色衬衫 一副傻屌样 Look at you in a fucking pink shirt and everything else.
我去 真是让人受不了 你 你没有朋友 Oh, you're killing me. You--you have no friends.
这就是你是孤独男巫的原因 That's why you're the wizard of loneliness.
本季前面某集 我伪造了一个相亲节目 Earlier this season, I faked a dating show
来帮助我克服对女性的恐惧 to help me overcome my fear of women.
这让我开始思索 And it got me thinking--
或许我可以用这个办法来帮助别人 maybe I could use this strategy to help someone else.
这个节目的幕后工作人员里有这么个人 One of the guys that works on my show behind the scenes,
Solomon 他是个安静而努力的人 Solomon, is a quiet, hard worker,
但他在很多地方都和我很像 but he reminded me a lot of myself.
而且在这季节目制作过程中 我们得以彼此熟悉 And over the course of the season, we bonded.
我喜欢那部电影 <人生遥控器> Well, I like the movie Click.
- 亚当·桑德勒演的吗 - 对 他演的 - With Adam Sandler? - Yes, with Adam Sandler.
挺有意思的 That's funny.
但当我发现他也有女人方面的烦恼时 But when I found out he had issues with women as well...
你有女朋友吗 Do you have a girlfriend?
呃 目前没有 Uh, at this time, no.
我决定帮他安排一次相亲 I decided to help him out by setting him up on a blind date
作为本次节目的一部分 as part of my show.
我想给你安排个相亲 I wanna set you up on a blind date.
那 那太好了 That--that's good.
- 你看起来不是很兴奋啊 - 不 我 我很兴奋 - You don't seem that excited. - No, I-I am.
没有啊 嗯 那表现在脸上吧 No, well-- show it on your face, then.
- 呃 我的兴奋吗 - 是啊 - Uh, excitement? - Yeah.
是啊 我很兴奋 Yes, I'm excited!
噢 太好了 你看起来很兴奋 Oh, great. You look excited.
- 的确如此 - 好极了 - Yes, yes, I am. - Great.
但当我把这个想法告知喜剧中心台时 But when I pitched the idea to Comedy Central,
他们只看到了发财致富的机会 all they saw was an opportunity to cash in.
- 但现在挺为难的 - 什么意思 - There's a catch. - What's the catch?
这个节目的赞助商之一是酷食热 One of the sponsors of the show is Quiznos.
呃 我不是在跟你开玩笑 Um, this isn't a joke,
但对方要求我们在他们的一家餐厅里录节目 but they are making us do this at one of their restaurants.
好啊 Okay.
所以你愿意在一家酷食热里相亲吗 So would you be willing to do your date at a Quiznos?
没关系啊 酷食热挺不错的 It's okay. The Quiznos is good.
Solomon很好地消化了这个消息 Solomon took the news well,
尽管我比较排斥在节目里植入广告 and even though I wasn't thrilled with having product placement in my show,
我们待会再来看Solomon相亲的情景 we'll see Solomon's date in a bit.
但首先 当我坐进一辆出租车时 But first, when I get into a taxicab,
我想要的只是一段温馨静谧的旅途 all I hope for is a nice, quiet ride...
到列克星敦和威尔希尔路口 谢谢 Lexington and Wilshire, please.
但并没有什么简单的方法让我如愿 But there really is no easy way to ask for that.
你叫什么名字
呃 Nathan Uh, Nathan.
Nathan 你从哪儿来的 Nathan
呃 不好意思 Um, sorry,
我现在不太想聊天 I don't really wanna have a conversation right now.
对我来说这种情况一直很让人尴尬 It's always been an awkward situation for me.
所以我设计了一个解决方案 That's why I devised a solution
独立出租公司
并带着它来到了岌岌可危的洛杉矶出租车公司 独立出租 and brought it to struggling Los Angeles taxi company Independent Cab,
独立出租公司
在那里我会见了董事长Nettabi Ahmed where I met with President Nettabi Ahmed.
我的建议就是你给出一种能让乘客 All I'm suggesting is you make it easy for the customer
轻松无负担地选择自己想不想聊天 to decide if he wants a conversation or not
以及具体想聊什么的方法 and exactly what he wants to talk about.
但你不能就这么问别人 But you cannot ask somebody,
"你要不要 你想不想要聊天啊" "Do you have--do you wanna have a conversation or not?"
现在可以了 计划是 Until now. The plan--
计划:
安装一个触屏系统 让乘客能够 A touch screen system that will allow the customer
触屏界面
悄无声息地告诉司机自己是否想要聊天 to discreetly communicate to the driver whether or not he wants a conversation.
禁烟
欢迎
想和司机聊天吗
是 否
是否聊天
否 是
如果他想的话 他可以选择自己想要聊的话题 And if he does, he'll actually be able to select the topic he wants to talk about.
选择话题
这个想法我现在就可以接受 The idea, I accept it right now.
- 好 - 但我需要测试一下 - Right. - But I need to test it,
不只是为了你的纪录片 not--not only for your documentary
或者你的电影 也是为了这个生意本身 or for your movie, but for the business itself.
在作出任何承诺之前 Before committing to anything,
Nettabi想让我和他手下一位司机Reuben进行一次试验 Nettabi wanted me to do a trial run with one of his drivers--Reuben.
除了Reuben的祖国亚美尼亚之外 Along with Reuben's home country of Armenia,
亚美尼亚
我还选择了三个更加主流的聊天话题 I picked three more mainstream conversation topics
体育
二战
海洋生物
以供乘客选择 for customers to choose from,
还从图书馆借了几本书 and took out some books from the library
供Reuben好好研读 so that Reuben could study up on them.
你要保证回去读啊 You promise you'll read these?
- 嗯 我保证 - 好的 - I promise, yeah. - Okay.
- 因为这事很重要 - 我知道了 - 'Cause it's very important. - Okay.
你懂的 我想给你老板留个好印象 You know, I wanna look good for your boss.
好 Okay.
给了Reuben一周时间去学习后 After giving Reuben a week to study,
我们把触屏系统装在了他的车里 we had our touch screen system installed in his cab,
欢迎
您想和司机聊天吗
是 否
现在该去载几个客人试试了 and it was time to go pick up some customers.
到圣塔莫尼卡和威尔顿路口 谢谢 Santa Monica and Wilton, please.
没问题 No problem.
我们在试行一个新计划 So we're doing this thing
你可以选择本次旅程的聊天意向 where you can select your conversation preferences for the ride.
就是 选是或否 See, yes or no.
欢迎
您想和司机聊天吗
是 否
结果发现很多人都像我一样 Turns out a lot of people were like me.
是否聊天:
否
没有人想和司机说话 No one wanted to talk to the driver.
喜欢这种沉默 Love that silence.
多好多安静啊 Just nice and quiet.
你在享受这样的平静吗 Are you enjoying the silence?
算是吧 Kind of.
但为了让Nettabi接受我的点子 But in order to really sell my idea to Nettabi,
欢迎
您想和司机聊天吗
是 否
是否聊天:
是
我得证明这个对话功能是可行的 I needed to show the conversation feature working with a customer.
您想聊什么
体育
二战
海洋生物
亚美尼亚
话题:
海洋生物
好的 Okay.
嗯 我就是很好奇加州有 Um, you know, I just wonder what California--
哪些种类是加州当地的 what was native to California,
话题:
海洋生物
就是像海豚什么的 或者 or, you know, like, dolphins, or--
- 哪些鲸鱼是本地独有的 - 对 就是这个意思 - Which whales are native? - Yeah, that--that'd be right.
有哪些鲸鱼是加州本地特有的 Which whales are native to California?
- 加州嘛 - 对 - California. - Yeah.
我不知道哎 对不起 I cannot ask. I'm sorry.
但这个书里面有提到啊 But that was covered in the-- in the books.
你读了吗 你读没读那些书 Did you read-- did you read the books?
- 没有 - 你没读吗 - No. - You didn't read them?
好吧 Okay.
Reuben没做准备 这让我大吃一惊 I was stunned that Reuben hadn't prepared.
而如果他不能谈论有关鲸鱼的话题 And if he couldn't talk about whales,
Nettabi永远不会用我的计划的 Nettabi would never go for my idea.
所以我让他靠边停下 So I asked him to pull over
并请乘客去车外稍等片刻 以便我们说话 and had the customer wait outside so we could talk.
这是怎么了 What's going on?
你对鲸鱼一无所知吗 You don't know anything about whales?
Reuben一无所知 Reuben knew nothing.
作为最后一搏 And in a last-ditch effort,
我在手机上找了一些鲸鱼小知识让他背 I pulled up some whale facts on my phone for him to memorize.
一头抹香鲸可以屏住呼吸 A sperm whale can hold its breath
至少一个小时的时间 for at least one hour.
- 一个小时 能屏住 - 屏住呼吸 是抹香鲸 - One hour, it can hold-- - Hold its breath, sperm whale.
- 好的 - 抹香鲸 - Okay. - Sperm whale.
我给了Reuben大概15条与鲸鱼相关的知识 I gave Reuben about 15 whale facts,
现在该让乘客重新进来了 and then, it was time to bring the customer back in.
- 好了 都记住了吗 - 嗯 - Okay, got it? - Yeah.
准备好了没 我要让她进来了 Okay, ready? I'm gonna bring her back in.
- 好了 - 行 别再搞砸了 - Yeah. - Okay, don't--don't mess it up.
- 好的 - 那好 - Okay. - Okay.
现在是决定性的时刻 It all came down to this.
我想法的命运掌握在Reuben手中 The fate of my concept was in Reuben's hands.
所以你 你刚才在问关于鲸鱼的东西是吧 So are you-- you were asking about whales?
- 对的 - 好啊 - Yes. - Okay.
所以 呃 So, um...
这是一种很有意思的动物 It's a-- very interesting animals.
呃 举个例子 Uh, for example...
抹香鲸
它可以在水下憋气一个小时 It can hold the breath underwater for one hour.
还有呢 What else?
而且 它们能活200年 Also, they can live 200 years.
继续说 Keep going.
- 所有鲸鱼都和家人一起生活 - 哇哦 - All the whales sit around family. - Wow.
Reuben取得了巨大的进展 Reuben came through in a big way,
没过多久 他甚至开始编造种种事迹了 and in no time, he was even making up his own facts.
你有没有和鲨鱼搏斗过 Have you ever fought a shark?
- 有 - 真的吗 - Yeah. - You have?
嗯 那是只大 大白鲨 Yeah, it was a great-- great white.
- 了不起 - 喔哦 你和大白鲨搏斗过吗 - Wow. - Whoa, you fought a great white?
你怎么做到的 What did you do?
它的嘴就像这样 His mouth like this.
- 如果你这么过去的话 它就碰不到你 - 好吧 - If you go this way, he cannot touch you... - Okay.
我尝试了一下 然后就打败了它 And I tried, and I beat it.
一只大白鲨过来咬你 结果你完爆了它 A great white shark came to bite you, and you kicked it?
没错 完爆 Yeah. I kicked it.
- 那你把它杀了吗 - 没有 - And did you kill him? - No.
- 是啊 我杀了它 - 噢 哇哦 - Yeah, I kill him. - Oh, wow.
很厉害啊 是吧 Pretty good, huh?
嗯 这 这的确很有趣 Yeah, it's-- it's really interesting.
你喜欢这个系统吗 以前见过这样的吗 Do you like this system? Have you ever seen it before?
没有 No.
你会告诉你的朋友们吗 Would you tell your friends about it?
呃 当然 Uh, sure.
Reuben大大超出了我对他的预期 Reuben far surpassed any expectations I had for him,
我已经等不及给Nettabi展示一下成果了 and I couldn't wait to show Nettabi the results.
如果你这么过去的话 它就碰不到你 'Cause this way, he cannot touch you...
- 哇 - 我尝试了一下 然后就打败了它 - Wow. - And I tried, and I beat him.
这真不错 That's great.
- 你喜欢吗 - 乘客看上去很开心 - You like it? - The customer looks happy,
司机也很舒服 and the driver was comfortable.
所以我挺喜欢的 So I like it.
我很高兴能帮到你 I'm so happy I could help you.
呃 我可以给你留个名片吗 Um, do you mind if I leave you my business card?
当然可以 Absolutely.
基本上 要照顾它的话 Basically, to care for it,
只要给它喂某种小麦 you just have to feed it kind of wheat--
那我每天都得看着你的名片了 Every day, I have to look at your card.
- 对 因为你要照顾它 - 哦 这也真是个好主意 - You care for it, yeah. - Oh, that's a brilliant idea, too.
是的 因为你永远不会忘记把它送给你的人是谁 Yeah, because you never forget who gave it to you.
没错 你家祖传卖锦囊的吧 Yes, you are full-- full of good ideas.
- 谢谢夸奖 - 祝你今天愉快 - Oh, great. - Have a good day.
- 你也是 见到你很高兴 - 我也很高兴 再见 - You too. Good to meet you. - Nice meeting you. Bye, bye.
早些时候 我安排了一名员工去相亲 Earlier, I set up one of my employees on a blind date,
而我为他挑选的对象 and the girl I picked for him
是我在之前的假约会节目上遇见的Rachel was someone that I met on my fake dating show-- Rachel.
没有其他人像我一样了 There's no one else like me.
作为和酷食热所签协议的一部分 As part of the agreement with Quiznos,
酷食热 潜艇三明治
Solomon必须在约会时说出一些品牌营销潜台词 Solomon was gonna have to say some branding cues from the company during his date.
为此我给了他一副隐藏耳麦 So I gave him a hidden earpiece
并和酷食热的营销代表一起藏在里屋 and stationed myself in the back room with a Quiznos marketing rep
以便及时告诉他约会期间要说什么 so I could tell him what to say during his date.
我能看出来Solomon有些紧张 I could tell Solomon was nervous,
但是他穿上我祖父的西装真是太帅了 but he looked fantastic in my grandpa's suit.
真心希望他和Rachel能相处愉快 I just hoped that he could hit it off with Rachel.
嗨 我叫Solomon Hi, my name is Solomon.
你好 Hi.
我叫Rachel I'm Rachel.
你的眼睛好美 You have nice eyes.
哦 谢谢 你也是 Oh, thank you. So do you.
谢谢你 Thank you.
你可以问她 比如 You could ask her if--
"你最喜欢哪款酷食热潜艇三明治" "What's your favorite Quiznos sub?"
好吧 刚开始约会就问这个不会有点奇怪吗 All right, is that kind of weird early on in the date?
我尽可能地拖延酷食热营销代表的要求 I tried to hold off the Quiznos rep as long as I could
给Solomon和Rachel多一点时间了解彼此 so Solomon and Rachel could really connect...
你看过<人生遥控器>这部电影吗 Have you seen the movie Click?
没有 No.
噢 它是讲 呃 一个男人拿到了一个万能遥控器 Oh, it's about, um, a guy that gets this remote control,
然后他可以掌控人生 and he control life.
- 哇哦 好厉害哦 - 是吧 - Oh, wow, awesome. - Yeah.
但最终在她的死缠烂打之下 我妥协了 But eventually, she was just too persistent.
你知道巴哈鸡肉三明治用的是 Did you know the Baja-Chicken has...
- 主厨料理 - 主厨料理的酱汁吗 - chef-inspired... - chef-inspired sauces?
你知道巴哈鸡肉三明治用的是主厨料理的酱汁吗 Did you know the Baja-Chicken has chef-inspired sauces?
真的吗 酷 Oh, really? Cool.
让他说 "嗯 好香的烤面包味" Have him say, "Mm, toasty."
你在逗我吗 Are you kidding me?
嗯 所以 So, um...
你能在咬一口之后说"嗯 好香的烤面包味"吗 Will you say, "Mm, toasty" after you bite it?
嗯 Mm.
好香的烤面包味 Toasty.
呃哼哈 Hhuh.
现在可以让他聊聊手工面包啊 Now, we could talk about the artisan breads,
鲜切的肉品和芝士之类的 the freshly sliced meats and cheeses--
我很喜欢酷食热 我也很高兴能有这个机会合作 Okay, I'm-- I love Quiznos, and I'm happy to do this,
但是我们能不能让他们先正常约会 but can we let them do their thing for a bit,
好好了解一下对方呢 and get to know each other?
好吧 Okay.
真情实感做你自己 Be genuine. Be yourself.
说你心里想说的话 Speak from the heart.
你 你读过什么诗吗 Do you-- do you know any poems?
没 No.
- 你呢 - 嗯 我有读过 - Do you? - Yes, I do.
"玫瑰是红色 罗兰是紫色" "Roses are red, violets are blue."
"世上最美的 莫过于你" "No one is prettier than you."
好美噢 谢谢 Aw. Thanks.
- 不客气 - 这招不错 - You're welcome. - That's good.
是啊 那现在再说一次广告词吧 Yeah, if we can throw in the tag line again.
好的 准备结束吧 Solomon All right, wrap it up, Solomon.
所以 呃 貌似 So, uh, it seems,
呃 我们已经吃完 uh, that we're done with...
这美味的酷食热 with the tasty Quiznos...
三明治了 Sandwich.
棒耶 Great.
你好漂亮 我想下次再约你出来 You're real pretty and I want to see you again.
虽然尴尬的产品广告横亘其中 Even with the awkwardness of our product placement,
但我很欣慰Solomon成功约了次会 I was so happy things worked out for Solomon.
然而我还有一件事有待调查 But there was still one thing I had to look into.
今晚稍早一点的节目里 你们看到我帮助了一位私家侦探 Earlier tonight, you saw me help a private investigator.
但我没有让你们看到的是 在节目录完之后 But what I didn't show you is that after we were done,
我问他想不想一起出去玩 而他拒绝了我 I asked him if he wanted to hang out, and he rebuffed me.
你想星期六晚上一起去哪儿逛逛吗 Would you wanna hang out on Saturday night?
没门 根本不可能 No, it's not gonna happen.
- 为什么 - 我有安排了 - Why? - I have plans.
- 你有安排了 - 对 - You have plans? - I do.
- 这周六吗 - 没错 - On Saturday? - I do.
什么安排 What are the plans?
带我女朋友出去吃晚餐 Taking my girl out to dinner.
你要和女朋友出去吃晚餐 You're going out to dinner with your girl?
是的 Yes.
那好吧 All right.
但是Brian的语气让我感到有点不对劲 But there was something in Brian's tone that just didn't seem right to me,
所以我雇了另一个私家侦探去监视Brian so I hired a second private investigator to spy on Brian
看看他到底是不是和女朋友出去了 to see if he really went out with his girl.
如果这个门开着 他就肯定在家 And if it's open, he's definitely home.
对 没错 Yeah, exactly.
我从没看到他踏出家门半步 I never saw him leave at all, period.
私家侦探
他跟我说那天晚上他要和女朋友出去 'Cause he told me he was going out with his girl that night.
哦 那就有趣了 Oh, interesting.
你看上去不太高兴 You don't look too happy.
不 我只是 我很惊讶他对我撒了谎 No, I'm just-- I'm surprised he lied to me.
你觉得他是 他是不待见我还是怎么的 What--do you think the guy, like--he didn't like me, or...
我也说不准 你懂的吧 I don't know, you know?
我是说 有时候 如果我不喜欢的人约我出去 I mean, somet--I mean, if I don't like somebody and they'd ask me that,
我可能就会说 "我很想和你出去" I'd probably say, "I'd love to go out with you."
"但我实在太忙了" "I'm just really busy."
好吧 所以他就是想摆脱我 Right, so he was just trying to get rid of me.
我认为他就是想摆脱你 I think he was trying to get rid of you.
听上去他就是这个意思 That's what it sounds like.
- 很抱歉说得这么直接 但是 - 不 没关系 - No--sorry about that, but-- - No, no, no.
- 这只是我的看法 - 是啊 你做得很棒了 - It's just my opinion. - Yeah, you did a great job.
乐意效劳 My pleasure.
呃 那你这周末打算做什么呢 Um, what are you doing this weekend?
这个周末吗 This weekend?
呃 可能会去趟旧金山吧 Uh, probably going to go to San Francisco.
我们只能找时间再约了 We'll have to make it another time.
真的 我很可能要去旧金山看看家里人 No, I'm probably going to go to San Francisco, see my family.
- 嗯 - 是啊 - Mm. - Yeah.
好吧 Okay.
就这样吧 感谢你帮我这个忙 All right, thanks so much for coming in and helping.
不用客气 保重 You got it. Take care.
- 幸会 - 好的 - Nice to meet you. - All right.
你想找个时间一起出去玩吗 Do you wanna hang out sometime--a time outside?
我也不知道 I don't know.
- 没关系的 - 呃 - It's fine. - Mm...
- 不是非得要去 没关系 - 好吧 嗯 - We don't have to. That's fine. - Yeah, okay.
你现在有交往的对象吗 You're--are you in a relationship right now?
有 Yes.
好吧 抱歉 请别介意 Okay. So sorry, never mind.
像我们这样的好男人都剩下了 Nice guys like us are left behind.
那句话怎么说来着 "好男人排最后" Mm, how do you say? "Nice guys finish last."
你没有朋友 You have no friends.
这就是你是孤独男巫的原因 That's why you're the wizard of loneliness.
那就是你 That's you.
我需要你假扮成我的朋友 I need you to pretend to be my friend.
我会付你钱 I can pay you.
所以你有被他吸引吗 So are you attracted to him?
没有吧 I guess no.
他和我所期待的不太一样 He wasn't really what I expected.
我们只能找时间再约了 We'll have to make it another time.
下午好 这里是环球调查 Good afternoon. Global Investigations.
你好 你是私家侦探吗 Hi, you're a private investigator?
是的 请问您需要转接给哪位 Uh, yes. How may I direct your call?
嗯 我只是想调查一下 Um, yeah, I just want to find out
有个叫Paul Katz的人这周末会不会去旧金山 if a Paul Katz is going to San Francisco this weekend.
你有多喜欢酷食热啊 How much do you love Quiznos?
我爱酷食热 I love Quiznos.
诚实点 你真的爱酷食热吗 Be honest. Do you really love Quiznos?
我爱酷食热 I love Quiznos.
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