翻译: 灰豆儿 一打胖元
校对: 濑成一
我叫Nathan Fielder My name is Nathan Fielder.
后期: 满甲雪
毕业于加拿大最顶尖的商学院之一 and I graduated from one of canada's top business schools
学业成绩单
并且成绩优异 with really good grades.
压制: 肉包
如今 我运用我的学识 Now，I'm using my knowledge
来帮助挣扎求生的小企业主 to help struggling small business owners
在这个竞争激烈的世界里获得成功 make it in this competitive world.
总监: pendz
改造前
改造后
面包和糕点
改造前
面包糕点
改造后
这 This...
第二季 第一集
救援 高手
电波诚译
就是救援高手 is Nathan for you.
Greg Boodaghian从事的行业中 Greg Boodaghian works in an industry
不诚信的商家十分猖獗 where dishonesty runs rampant,
一开始我还以为他家店叫"同性恋汽车修理" and that makes the fact that I first thought his business
G&Y和GAY(同性恋)二词形状相似
相较之下这根本不足以担心 was called "Gay Auto Repair" the least of his worries.
他最大的问题是 顾客不信任他 His biggest problem: customers not trusting him.
我确实有这样的顾客 他们一进来这里 I do have clients like that that once they enter here,
G&Y汽车修理店主
就觉得我要讹他们钱 they think that I'm ready to rip them off.
Greg看起来是个诚实的机修工 Greg seemed like an honest mechanic,
但在帮助他之前我需要确认这一点 but before helping him, I needed to be sure.
所以我用盐代替糖给他烤了一些饼干 So I baked him some cookies with salt instead of sugar
看看他会不会在味道上撒谎 to see if he'd be honest about the taste.
第二天 我去拜访了他在加州格伦代尔的店铺 and the next day, I paid him a visit at his shop in Glendale, California,
带着我自制的点心 with my homemade treats.
我给你准备了个小惊喜 I have a little surprise for you.
- 我给你烤了这些饼干 - 给我的吗? - I baked you these cookies. - For me?
是的 Yeah.
所以请随意享用 So feel free to have one.
好的 Sure.
- 谁做的 你做的吗 - 没错 - Who made it? You made it? - Mm-hmm.
怎么样 What do you think?
- 很好 - 你喜欢吗 - Very good. - You like it?
我喜欢 是的 有点咸 I like it. Yeah, a little salty.
与众不同 Different.
足够了 Good enough.
计划是让Greg宣传自己是一个诚实的机修工 The plan: For Greg to promote that he's an honest mechanic
计划:
宣传Greg的诚信
他会在连接着测谎仪时才给出估价 by only giving estimates while hooked up to a lie detector.
我从来没想过这个点子 但是你懂的 I never thought of that, but, you know it...
这种办法不仅会让你看起来更诚实 Something like this won't only make you look more honest,
而且会让你的竞争对手看起来更不诚实 but it will make your competitors look more dishonest.
因为这会让城市里的每个人都想 Because it'll make everyone in the city go,
"为什么我的机修师没用测谎仪呢" "Well, why isn't my mechanic hooked up to a polygraph?"
"我想去找连着测谎仪的机修师" "I want to go to the guy who is."
- 可能吧 人们会这样想 - 是啊 没错 - Probably, yeah. People will think that way. - Yeah, yeah.
Greg似乎喜欢我的想法 Greg seemed into my idea,
这意味着我需要找到一个可靠的测谎仪给他用 and that meant I needed to find a reliable polygraph machine for him to use.
你还要再来一个吗 Do you want another one?
- 噢 我待会再吃 - 现在就吃一个吧 - Oh, I'll take it later. - Have another one now.
- 不吃了吗 - 不了 - No? - No.
所以我找到了一个当地的测谎仪操作员 So I tracked down a local polygraph operator
并和他在我的办公室见面 试试他的机器 and met up with him at my office to put his machine to the test.
如实回答下列问题 好吗 Answer the following questions truthfully, okay?
测谎仪操作员
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
今天是星期四吗 Is today thursday?
是的 Yes.
你现在坐着吗 Are you currently sitting down?
是的 Yes.
你曾经用过色情片来自慰吗 Have you ever used pornography to pleasure yourself?
这是标准问题吗 Is that a standard question?
尽量不要在问题之间说话 Try to not talk between questions.
你曾经观看网络色情片 Have you ever used online pornography
或者色情片来自慰吗 or pornography to pleasure yourself?
没有 No.
好吧 Okay.
撒谎 Deceptive.
呃 这个结果不太准确吧 Well, I don't know about that 100%.
我从来不看色情片 I don't look at pornography,
所以很显然Gene的老机器给Greg用太不灵光了 so it was obvious that Gene's old machine was too inaccurate to use with Greg.
所以我找了一个不同的测谎仪操作员 So I sought out a different polygraph operator
法庭文书协助 测谎仪/谎言探测器 私人调查
他声称拥有最先进的设备 who claimed to have the most up-to-date equipment.
老实说 这台机器看起来像是16世纪的东西 Honestly, this machine looks like something out of The 1500s.
- 就好像 - 是啊 - It was like-- - Yeah.
- 它们的准确率只有80% - 是的 - Those are only 80% accurate. - Right.
测谎仪操作员
所以我今天想做的是 一方面测试你的机器 So what I want to do today, along with testing your machine,
一方面证明我在那种情形下说的是真话 is to show that I was telling the truth in that situation
还有我不看网络色情片 and that I don't watch online pornography.
好的 Okay.
所有线都连好之后 And once I was all hooked up,
我就准备好迎接棘手的问题了 I was ready to take on the hard questions.
你住在威斯康辛州吗 Do you live in Wisconsin?
不 No.
通过 Pass.
你在网上看过色情片吗 Do you ever look at pornography on the internet?
没有 No.
失败 Fail.
我 我 I--I s--
你是否曾经在网上看色情片的时候自慰 Have you ever pleasured yourself while watching pornography on the internet?
没有 No.
失败 Fail.
你需要重新启动电脑什么的吗 Do you need to reboot the computer or something?
完全不需要重启 There's no--nothing to reboot.
运转很正常 It's rolling.
因为我注意到你的电脑是戴尔 Cause I noticed your computer is a Dell.
- 所以我不知道 - 我用的是东芝 - So I don't know-- - Computer's a Toshiba.
- 它从来没出过毛病吗 - 从来没有 - It never glitches? - No.
你没过 我想是因为你在说谎 You're failing, and I think it's 'cause you're lying.
我觉得有点奇怪因为我说的都是真话 But it's weird for me a little bit when I'm telling the truth.
但电脑却显示我在说谎 And the computer is saying I'm lying.
除了这个 电脑还是东芝的 And on top of that, it's a toshiba.
小绿山 小绿山 Small green mountain, small green mountain,
大绿山 giant green mountain.
- 那一段是什么问题来着 - 黄片 - What was that question for? - Porn.
你在网上看过黄片吗 Do you ever watch porn on the internet?
电脑系统是微软95吗 Is that a windows '95?
哦 天哪 老兄 别垂死挣扎了 Oh, jesus, dude. You're graspin' at straws.
操作系统和你满口胡言乱语没有任何关系 The operating system has nothing to do with what you're shooting out.
而且用的不是微软95 And it's not windows '95.
- 是XP吗 - 是的 - XP? - Yes.
不过 这仍然不是最新的操作系统 Still, it's not the most recent operating system, I don't think.
尽管John的陈旧机器并不准确 Despite the inaccuracy of John's dated machine,
我们不得不选择他 we had to go with him
因为这附近没有其他的操作员了 since there weren't any other operators in the area.
- 再见 - 拜 - See you later. - Bye.
而在G&Y这边 我给Greg准备了一个惊喜 Back at G&Y, I had a surprise in store for Greg.
- 我给你弄了那个标语 - 好吧 真不错 - I got you that sign. - All right, that's cool.
- 是吗 - 是的 - Yeah? - Yeah.
保证100%诚实 经测谎仪认证
标语就位以后 With the sign in place,
终于是时候让Greg跟顾客尝试他最新的诚实策略了 it was finally time for Greg to try out his new honest approach with customers.
- 嗨 你好吗 - 嗨 你好 - Hi, how are you? - Hey. hi.
- 今天我们有一个特别的活动 - 好啊 - We have a special today. - Okay.
我们会接受测谎仪测试 当我们给你 We accept a polygraph test when we give you--
- 在我们给你估价的时候 - 哦 哇哦 - when we give you the estimates. - Oh, wow.
如果你想要试试 你愿意的话 So if you want a-- you're willing to--
这听起来不错 好啊 That sounds great. Yeah.
顾客似乎对这次活动感到很兴奋 Customers seemed excited about the promotion,
在彻底检查之后 Greg给出了他的报价 and after a thorough inspection, Greg gave his quote.
你的后刹车只剩百分之五了 The rear, you have, like, 5% left.
好的 Okay.
而我们的测谎仪核查人John则在一旁做着记录 While John, our polygraph examiner, took notes.
现在是时候检验Greg是否诚实了 Now it was time to put Greg's honesty to the test.
- 今天是星期天吗 - 不是 - Is today sunday? - No.
实话 True.
后刹车片只剩下百分之五了吗 Do the rear brake pads only have 5% left?
是的 Yes.
实话 True.
180美元更换一个防抱死传感器合理吗 Is $180 a fair price to replace an ABS sensor?
是的 Yes.
实话 True.
好的 Okay.
基于这些答案 你对这个估价有什么看法 So based on those answers, how do you feel about your estimate?
嗯 这 他听起来很诚实 Yeah, it's-- he sounds truthful.
但你要知道 昨天当他给我做测试时 Keep in mind, too, that yesterday when he did a test on me,
电脑显示说我 呃 it said that I, you know,
我看色情片自慰 但我没这么做过 pleasured myself to pornography, and I don't do that.
- 所以请记住 - 哦 真的吗 - So just keep in mind... - Oh, really?
- 它不是完全百分百准确 - 好的 - It's not fully accurate 100%. - Okay.
这是台运行XP系统的东芝笔记本 所以 It's like, you know, run on a Toshiba laptop with XP, so...
准确率高达百分之九十八 It's 98% accurate,
而且他确实上网看过黄片自慰 and he has pleasured himself to porn on the internet.
不 我们达成 我们昨天明明达成共识 No, that's-- we had-- we determined yesterday that--
很可能是机器出了故障 或者 that was possibly a glitch with the machine, or--
不 我马上反驳了这一点 No, I disputed that right away.
你在未通过的两个问题上绝对撒谎了 There is absolutely no way you were telling the truth on the two questions you failed.
好吧 我只是想指出存在一些不确定性 Okay, I'm just trying to establish there is some uncertainty,
而且 你懂的 and, you know, to--
绝对没有任何不确定性 There's absolutely no uncertainty.
你在回答那两个问题时体征指数飙升 Your body exploded on those two questions across--
但我们并不能肯定我的体征飙升了 But we don't know 100% that my body exploded.
只是电脑这么显示而已 It is the computer that's showing--
哦 百分之百是你的身体反应 Oh, it was 100% your body.
你一直试图把它归咎于微软系统和程序错误 You keep trying to blame it on Windows this and programs.
就是你的身体 你没通过 It was your body. You failed.
毫无疑问你曾经在网上看过黄片 There is no doubt you have watched porn on the internet
在你人生某一时刻看过 毋庸置疑的是 at some time in your life, and there is zero doubt--
也许是这个问题让他感到不自在吧 Maybe he was uncomfortable with the question.
- 不是的 - 不是吗 - No. - No?
不过这个问题确实让我很不自在 I was uncomfortable with the question, though.
所以谢谢你 So thank you.
尽管的John机器存在准确性问题 Despite the accuracy problems with John's machine,
越来越多的顾客似乎很乐意接受 more and more customers seemed to enjoy
经测谎仪认证的报价 their polygraph-verified quotes.
你有没有找到一个松动的真空软管 然后将其重连 Did you find a loose vacuum hose and you reattached it?
没错 Yes.
实话 True.
所以正如你看到的 在估算时他所说的问题 So as you can see, the things he quoted you in the estimate
正是你的汽车真正存在的问题 were exactly things that are actually problems with your car,
也是你确实需要解决的 你可以肯定这点 and you do need, and you know that.
但如果你去别的地方 你就不能确信 But if you go anywhere else, you won't know that.
好吧 Right.
听上去确实很吸引人 Sounds like a winner.
我很自豪我终于帮助Greg靠他的诚实受了益 I was so proud that I could finally help Greg profit from his honesty,
在那一天结束时 and at the end of the day,
我想问问他对整次经历的想法 I wanted to see what he thought of the whole experience.
你对我所做的一切满意吗 Were you happy with everything that I did?
我们很满意 是的 我们很满意 所以 We were happy, yes. We were happy, so--
- 你介不介意连上测谎仪回答这个问题 - 没问题啊 - Do you mind if I ask you that while hooked up to the polygraph? - Sure.
真的吗 Yeah?
你对我今天为你所做的一切感到满意吗 So were you happy with everything I did for you today?
是的 Yes.
实话 True.
还有一个问题 One more question.
你是否愿意在节目之外和我一起出去玩玩 Would you ever want to hang out sometime socially with me outside of this?
不愿意 No.
实话 True.
嗯 Hmm.
好吧 Okay.
好吧 谢谢你 谢谢你的坦诚 Well, thank you, and--yeah, thank you for your honesty.
没问题 Yeah.
还有 嗯 And, yeah.
祝你一切顺利 Best of luck with everything.
我们结束了吗 好 Are we done? Yeah.
- 是的 - 好吧 - Yay. - Okay.
- 祝你今天愉快 - 谢谢你 - Have a nice day. - Thank you.
- 很高兴认识你 - 再见 - Good to meet you. - Bye.
很 行吧 就这样 It's--yeah. All right.
这个你留着吧 You can keep that.
Sue Stanford是洛杉矶县6000多名持证房产经纪中的一个 Sue Stanford is one of over 6,000 licensed realtors in L.A. County,
而在一个过度饱和的市场 and in an oversaturated market,
从人群中脱颖而出会很困难 it can be hard to stand out from the crowd.
房地产经纪人
我们不断试图超过竞争对手 We're continually trying to outdo the other person,
你懂的 想要获得更多生意 you know, trying to get business.
所以我去拜访了她 So I paid her a visit
帮助她变成城里最抢手的房地产经纪人之一 to help her become one of the most sought-after realtors in the city.
是这样的 我习惯在正式对话前寒暄几句 So I always like to begin with some small talk to break the ice
让对方感到舒服 and make the other person comfortable.
好吧 Okay.
你以前当过绘画模特吗 Have you ever posed for a painting before?
实际上没有 没做过这样的事 No, not actually, not for anything like that.
你当模特肯定会很棒 你长得很漂亮 You'd make a good model. You're very beautiful.
天啊 你心肠真好 Well, bless your heart.
谢谢你这么说 Thank you so much for saying that.
不客气 You're welcome.
所以这种程度的闲聊足够让你感到舒服吗 So is that enough small talk to make you comfortable?
嗯 我想够吧 Yeah, I guess so.
我的任务是让Sue成为洛杉矶的顶尖房地产经纪人之一 My mission was to make Sue one of L.A.'s top realtors.
任务:
让Sue成为 洛杉矶顶尖房地产经纪人
计划是让她专攻一个目前没人代理的购房群体 The plan: have her specialize in a currently unrepresented group of homebuyer,
计划:
专攻没人代理的购房群体
那一半相信有鬼的人 The 50% of people who believe in ghosts.
那些相信有鬼的人
鬼吗 Ghosts?
当你展示一幢房子的时候 呃 When you show a house, you know,
参观的人中有一半都会想 "这里面有鬼吗" half the people that come through are thinking, "Is there a ghost in here?"
好吧 Okay.
所以让我惊讶的是 我从没见过房产经纪人 So it surprised me that I've never seen a realtor
能够保证他们出售的所有房屋 that can guarantee that all the homes they sell
完全不受鬼魂侵扰 are entirely ghost-free.
没错 是的 True, yeah.
所以我的建议是 So what I'm suggesting
将你彻底重塑为鬼屋经纪人 is a complete re-branding of you as the ghost realtor.
哈 Huh.
这真是个疯狂的想法 It's really a wild idea.
Sue还没有完全理解我的愿景 Sue wasn't fully seeing my vision yet,
为了说服她 我仿制了一些新的宣传广告 so to help sell it to her, I mocked up some new branding
并准备了一个特别的惊喜让她兴奋起来 and prepared a special surprise to get her excited.
- 准备好了吗 - 嗯哼 - Ready? - Uh-huh.
好了 睁开眼睛 瞧啊 All right, open your eyes. Look.
我的妈呀 Oh, my gosh.
真是太棒了 That's amazing.
很不错吧 Pretty great, huh?
那是我哎 That's me.
"我的房子里百分之百没有鬼魂和恶魔" "My homes are 100% ghost and demon free."
难以置信 Oh, my goodness.
我能看出来Sue对她的新形象很兴奋 I could tell Sue was thrilled with her new image,
但要完全重塑形象成为鬼屋房产经纪人 but to fully rebrand as the ghost realtor,
她需要和专业的灵媒合作 she'd need to work with a professional psychic medium
鬼屋房产经纪人
进而核实她的房屋是否真的没有鬼魂 who could verify whether her homes were truly ghost-free.
所以我在网上找到了一个当地的灵媒 So I found a local psychic online...
你好 我是灵媒Ron Bard Hello. I'm psychic Ron Bard.
并安排他和Sue在她的一个待售房屋里见面 and arranged for he and Sue to meet at one of her listings.
Hans Holzer 美国著名超自然现象研究者 作家
我的母亲被Hans Holzer博士称为灵媒女王 My mother was considered queen of the psychics by Dr. Hans Holzer.
他写过145本书 He's written 145 books.
哇哦 Wow.
而且我女儿刚在纽约找到了她失散的第一个孩子 And my daughter just found her first missing child in New York.
好的 Okay.
那先说清楚 如果这房子里有鬼 So just to be clear, if there's a ghost in this house,
你肯定能感觉到吧 you'll be able to tell.
没错 That's correct.
得到了Ron的保证 我把他介绍给了Sue With Ron's guarantee, I introduced him to Sue.
很高兴认识您 My great pleasure.
然后我们跟着他察看了整座房子 And then we followed as he led us through the house
检查每个房间里是否有鬼魂存在 inspecting each room for the presence of any ghosts.
能量明显有波动 Definitely a change of energy.
- 你感觉到了对吧 - 没错 很明显 - You feel that, correct? - Mm-hmm, definitely.
我现在就感觉像有一股股冷气顺着脊梁骨往下溜 I feel, like, chills going down my spine right now.
- 对 - 是鬼魂吗 - Right. - Is it a ghost?
不是 No.
事情开始很顺利 Things were off to a great start,
因为Ron相信第一幢房子完全没有闹鬼 as Ron believed the first house was completely ghost-free.
我没有在这幢房子里感觉到任何灵体 I'm not feeling there's any entities in this house.
- 好吧 那就好 - 那就好 - Well, that's good. - That's good.
- 棒耶 - 我能房子卖出去了 - Yes. - I can sell the house.
- 是啊 - 没错 - Yeah. - Yeah.
但当我们参观Sue的另一幢房子时 But when we visited another one of Sue's listings,
Ron立刻感知到这房子里有东西 Ron felt a presence immediately.
我听到房子里到处都是尖叫和争吵 I'm hearing screaming and arguing throughout the house.
- 尖叫和争吵吗 - 是的 - Screaming and arguing? - Yeah.
情况不妙 This is no good.
- 亲娘嘞 - 在浴室里吗 - Oh, dear. - The bathroom?
这整个房子 感觉有些不对劲 This whole house. Something's wrong.
哇哦 Wow.
Ron在我们四周感知到了邪恶的气息 Ron sensed evil all around us.
后面那里发生过一些事 Something went on back there.
但直到我们走进卧室 But it wasn't until we went into the bedroom
Ron才确实感觉到鬼魂的存在 that he felt the true presence of the ghost.
你感觉到周围有鬼魂还是 You feel like there's ghosts around, or...
对 Yeah.
天 真的吗 Ooh, is that right?
我感觉到这房子里有灵体 I feel there are entities in this house.
- 我懂了 - 这一点毫无疑问 - I see. - There's no question about it.
那你不是倒霉了 Well, that sucks for you.
是啊 是啊 Yeah, yeah.
这鬼魂在房子里做什么 What is his activity in the house?
就 邪恶之事啊 It's, like, evil.
就比如 你知道梦魔是什么吗 It's like--you know what an incubus is?
那是一种会与人做爱至死的鬼魂 It's a ghost that'll have sex with someone until they die.
天啊 Wow.
就像我在瑞士经历过的那样 That's like what I experienced when I was in Switzerland.
一个坏的 鬼魂或是恶灵 Something bad, a bad spirit or a bad entity.
鬼魂就是从这个房间里诞生的 This is the room that it's generating from.
- 在瑞士发生了什么 - 当时我被掐住了脖子 - What happened in Switzerland? - When I was being choked.
你在瑞士被掐住了脖子 You were being choked in Switzerland?
是啊 Yeah.
我们刚刚就在聊这个 We were just talking about that.
什么 What?
- 早些时候 我们正说到 - 被什么掐的 - Earlier, we were just talking about... - Choked by what?
被一个灵体之类的 By an entity like that.
我感觉我被提了起来 I felt like I was being picked...
什么 你在瑞士被一个鬼魂掐住了脖子 What, a ghost choked you in Switzerland?
- 是的 - 哇哦 - Yes. - Wow.
那可不 Oh, yes.
我这辈子可是经历过很多事的 There's been many things that has happened in my life.
所以见到你才如此有趣 That's why it's so interesting to meet you.
Sue关于瑞士鬼魂的骇人故事 Sue's bombshell about the Switzerland ghost
让我恨不得立刻驱走这个灵体 made me feel an urgency to get rid of this entity right away.
唯一的问题在于怎么做 The only question was how.
驱鬼总是有办法的 It could always be cleaned.
Ron建议进行一次驱魔 所以第二天一早 Ron suggested an exorcism, so the next morning,
我找到了一个来自弗雷斯诺的驱魔人 叫卡洛斯修士 I found an exorcist from Fresno named Brother Carlos...
你须服从我 你须现身来 You have to obey me, and you have to come out.
我以耶稣的名义命令你们 恶魔 In the name of Jesus Christ, devils.
然后预约他下周到主卧进行驱魔仪式 and booked him to do an exorcism in the master bedroom for the following week.
与此同时 Sue与客户约好要看房 In the meantime, Sue had an appointment to show the house
她不想取消这次预约 that she preferred not to cancel.
所以在潜在买家到来之前 So before the potential buyer arrived,
我提醒她要坦诚交代房子的现状 I reminded her to be upfront about the status of the home.
你只需要对看房的客户实话实说 You just have to be honest with the person you're showing it to,
让他们知道这房子虽然在闹鬼 and let them know that even though there is an entity,
但我们很快就会进行驱魔仪式 we will be doing an exorcism very soon,
就能把鬼驱走 and that will get rid of it.
这 行 好的 听起来不错 That's--yes, okay. That sounds perfect.
- 好嘞 那祝你好运 - 好的 非常感谢你 - Okay, great. So good luck. - Okay. Thank you so much.
噢 也谢谢你 Oh, thanks.
不一会儿 And moments later,
Sue就开始了成为鬼屋经纪人后的第一次看房 Sue began her first showing as the ghost realtor.
那么餐厅在这个方向 So the dining room's this way,
而厨房就在你右手边 and then the kitchen's to your right.
潜在买家看完整座房子后 After the potential buyer made her way through the house,
就得靠Sue来达成交易了 it was up to sue to close the deal.
您觉得如何呢 So what did you think?
我很喜欢 尤其是那个步入式衣橱 I like it, especially the walk-in closet.
那衣橱又好又大 Oh, a nice, big one.
对啊 是个很好很大的衣橱 Yes, a nice, big closet.
而且主卧室真的很棒 And the master bedroom is really nice.
- 是的 - 我很喜欢 没错 - Yes. - I like it, yes.
好极了 Wonderful.
但我确实得和您解释一下 Well, I do have to explain something to you.
在楼上的主卧室里 Upstairs in the master bedroom,
我们发现了一个灵体 We did find a entity,
是个梦魔 and it was an incubus.
我知道你在想那是什么 I know you're wondering what that is.
我完全不知道 I have no idea.
那是一种相当邪恶的鬼魂 Well, that is a pretty evil spirit, actually,
他说这种鬼魂会强奸妇女 and he said that this spirit rapes women
还会与她们做爱至死 and has sex with them until they die.
我知道这听起来很可怕 I know it sounds awful,
但我们很快就会处理好 But we're going to have it taken care of.
我们会找一个驱魔师来把它赶走 We're going to have an exorcist come in and get rid of it.
- 这是真的吗 你没 - 我懂 - This is real? Really? Like... - I know.
我懂你 I know.
是不是难以置信 Isn't that unbelievable
世界上真的会发生这种事情 that things like this happen in this world?
但相信我 So trust me.
过几天你再来 Come back in a couple of days,
你会感觉这房子大有不同的 and you'll see it's a big difference.
Sue很难让买家对房子保持兴趣 It was clear Sue was having trouble keeping buyers interested
因为有个梦魔还在房内 with an incubus still present,
但我相信驱魔仪式后这一切将会改变 but I was hopeful all that would change after our exorcism.
终于到了驱魔仪式当晚 It was finally the night of the exorcism,
我们的驱魔人卡洛斯修士到达之后 and after Brother Carlos, our exorcist, arrived,
我和Sue把他领上楼到发现鬼魂的卧室 Sue and I led him upstairs to the bedroom where the entity was detected.
所以我要做的是 我会把这地方涂上圣油 So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna anoint this place.
- 嗯哼 - 懂了吗 - Mm-hmm. - Okay?
然后我会命令这些恶灵离开 And I'm gonna command these spirits to leave.
以我主耶稣基督受难之名 In the martyred name of the lord Jesus Christ,
现身吧 恶灵们 come out, evil spirits.
佯作逝者之魂迷惑生者 是吗 Making people believe you are spirits of dead humans, huh?
骗子 骗子和诈欺者 速速退去 Liars. Liars and deceivers, get out.
滚出这幢房子 永生永世不要归来 Get out of here and don't ever, ever come back.
驱走鬼魂后 After getting rid of the spirit,
卡洛斯修士坚持要将我们也净化一番 Brother Carlos insisted that he had to cleanse us as well,
因为魔鬼有时会附身于人 as demons can sometimes attach themselves to humans
使人体虚弱患病 and manifest as physical ailments.
你有任何健康上的问题吗 Do you have any health issues?
你是否经常生病 Are you constantly getting sick?
是否一直都受偏头痛困扰 Do you have migraine headache hitting you all the time?
- 我确实有个小毛病 但稍微有点 - 什么 - I do have one thing, but it's kind of... - What?
- 个人和私密 - 好吧 - Private, personal. - All right.
我有痔疮 It's hemorrhoids.
没错 这病很邪恶 千真万确 Yeah, that's demonic. Oh, yeah.
- 好的 - 所以这病叫什么来着 - Okay. - So how you say it again?
我没怎么念过这个词 I don't say this name very often.
智 纸疮 He--em-or-oid?
- 是痔疮 - 痔疮 痔疮 - Hemorrhoids. - Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids.
好的 我平时不怎么说到这个词 Yeah, I don't say this name very often.
噢 我明白的 Oh, I see.
那现在我就来解决这个问题 好吗 So let me go ahead and address this thing right now. Okay?
以主耶稣基督之名 In the name of the lord Jesus Christ,
听令于我 痔疮之魔 I command demons of hemorrhoids.
我驱逐汝等邪恶的魂灵 I am casting you out, evil spirits,
以主耶稣基督之名 in the name of the lord Jesus Christ.
痔疮之魔 Hemorrhoid demons...
速速退散 Come out!
- 消失了吗 - 哇哦 你看起来不一样了 - Is it gone? - Wow, you look different.
- 真的吗 - 那可不 - I do? - Mm-hmm.
一看你就知道 刚刚肯定发生了什么 You look like something just happened, definitely.
哇哦 Wow.
如果Sue这么快就注意到我有所不同 If Sue noticed a change that quickly,
我想确保充分利用这次机会 I wanted to be sure to leave no stone unturned.
这仪式能调整下面的尺寸吗 Can it help with penis size?
是这样的 呃 好吧 You see--yeah, okay.
如果是恶灵所致 那行 我能把它从那驱走 If it's demonic, yeah, I can cast out the demon from there.
我不需要说什么让它 你懂的 I don't have to say for the thing to, you know,
尺寸变大变小什么的 increase in size or dimi--whatever.
好的 Okay.
以主耶稣基督之名 In the name of the lord Jesus Christ,
我命令汝等恶灵 I command all of you demons.
如果有任何邪灵 呃 就是 If there's a demon there, uh, you know,
影响着这位男子的阳具 男性生殖器 affecting this man's penis, male organs,
导致它变小之类的 makin' it smaller, whatever--
若有任何邪灵正附于此人的阳具 If there's any demon there lodged in his penis right now,
快快退散 以主耶稣基督之名 come out! In the name of Jesus Christ.
速速退散 Come out!
你可能已经不再受其困扰了 You might be free from this thing already.
- 真的吗 - 那当然了 - Really? - Oh, yeah.
卡洛斯修士驱散我个人的邪灵后 After Brother Carlos addressed my personal demons...
我背部问题特别严重 I have an extremely bad back problem,
- 如果您能帮忙的话 - 没问题啊 - if that can be helpful. - Oh, yeah.
他提出帮Sue驱走造成她背部疼痛的恶魔 he offered to help Sue by removing the demons causing her back pain.
我现在要同这些恶魔交流 And as I am addressing these demons right now,
我会表现得更加有攻击性 好吧 I'm gonna be more aggressive, okay,
因为我知道你身体有邪灵附身的迹象 because I know you have signs of someone that have demons inside.
- 好吗 - 好的 - Okay? - Okay.
- 那么现在请与我对视 可以吗 - 没问题 - So just make eye contact with me right now. Okay? - Mm-hmm.
以主耶稣基督之名 In the name of the lord Jesus Christ,
我命令一切邪灵 I command any evil spirit
我主耶稣基督早已识出你们 that the lord Jesus Christ has identified
你们将为侵扰这具灵魂受到神圣的审判 to place divine judgment for violating this soul.
以主耶稣基督之名 In the name of the lord Jesus Christ,
我命令你们即刻离开这位女士 恶灵们 I command you now to get out of this woman right now, evil spirits.
我命令你们出来 I command you now to get out.
恶灵啊 看着我的眼睛 看着我 Demons, look in my eyes. Look in my eyes.
你们一直在折磨着她的背部 对吗 You've been messin' up with her back? Yeah?
不是吗 魔鬼们 Right, devils?
汝等恶灵速速退散 汝等恶灵速速退散 I'm commanding you to come out. I am commanding you to come out.
汝等恶灵速速退散 I'm commanding you to come out.
汝等恶灵速速退散 I am commanding you to come out!
以主耶稣基督之名 速速退散 In the name of Jesus Christ, come out!
出来吧 现形吧 速速退散 Come out. Get out. Get out.
快离开Sue的胸膛 快出来 Come out of Sue's chest. Come out.
速速退散 现形吧 恶灵 Come out. Come out, evil spirits.
现形吧 恶灵 Come out, evil spirits.
侵扰着颈椎的恶灵啊 Demons messin' up with the vertebrae in the neck,
以主耶稣基督之名速速现形 come out in the name of Jesus Christ.
现形吧 Come out.
附于脊椎的一切恶灵速速退散 退散吧 I want all demons out of her spine, get out.
速速退散 速速退散 Get out. Get out. Get out.
以主耶稣基督之名快快现形 退散吧 Get out in the name of Jesus Christ. Get out.
以主之名 命你退散 In the name of Jesus Christ, get out.
速速退散 速速退散 速速退散 Come out. Come out. Come out. Come out.
以约书亚之名 退散吧 以约书亚之名 令你现形 In the name of Yehoshua, come out. In the name of Yehoshua, come out.
退散吧 看着我的眼睛 你们即刻退散 Get out. Look in my eyes. You have to go now.
- 啊哈 - 即刻退散 - Uh-huh. - You have to go.
我驱逐你们 速速退散 I'm casting you out. You have to go.
速速退散 You have to go.
即刻退散 即刻退散 即刻退散 Leave now. Leave now. Leave now.
- 我走 - 退散 退散 退散 - Okay. - Leave. Leave. Leave.
- 快停下 - 退散 - Stop it! - Leave.
- 快停下 - 退散 - Stop it. - Leave.
即刻退散 永世勿归 Go now, and don't ever come back.
请做三次深呼吸 Take a deep breath three times, please.
你并没有伤害她吧 You didn't hurt her or anything, right?
- 没有 - 好的 - No. - Okay.
因为她看起来跟死了似的 'Cause she looks like she's almost dead.
- 你还好吗 Sue - 没事 其实我还好 - Are you okay, Sue? - Yeah. Actually, I'm fine.
我觉得我现在感觉很轻松 I think I'm feeling a little relief now.
太神奇了 It's amazing.
在净化了我 Sue和卧室的其余地方之后 After cleansing me, Sue, and the rest of the bedroom,
卡洛斯修士确信整座房子已经没有任何鬼魂了 Brother Carlos felt confident that the house was now entirely ghost-free.
经过所有的驱魔仪式 After all we did here in this room,
我基本确定这里 这间卧室里已经没有任何恶灵了 I'm pretty much certain that there's no evil spirits right here in this-- in this bedroom.
与他道别之后 And after wishing him well,
我感觉我已经尽我所能重振了Sue的事业 I felt like I had done all I could to reinvigorate Sue's career.
- 他真是太棒了 - 是啊 - He was amazing. - Yeah.
- 那这房子现在不闹鬼了 - 没错 - So the home is now ghost-free. - Yeah.
这是幢很棒的房子 It's a beautiful home,
我想既然现在这不闹鬼了 and I think now that the ghost is gone,
这房子一定能吸引更多的客户来到这里进行参观 it's going to be so much more alluring to people to come in here and have a look at it.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
临走之前 我有个小东西要给你 Before I go, I have a little something for you.
- 真的吗 - 没错 - Really? - Yeah.
- 不是吧 - 是的 一个小礼物 - No. - Yeah, a little gift.
- 真的吗 - 是的 - Really? - Yeah.
我的天哪 Oh, my gosh.
我会利用空闲时间画一些画 I've been doing a little bit of painting in my spare time,
然后我就凭想象画了这幅画 and I just did this from imagination, you know.
- 真的吗 - 真的 - Did you? - Yeah.
我根据你的房地产宣传照片画了脸 I kind of used your real estate photo for the face
然后凭想象画了剩下的部分 and my imagination for just the rest of the body.
好极了 Very nice.
非常感谢你 Thank you so much.
好的 回头见吧 Okay, I'll see you later.
- 好的 - 好的 再见 - Okay. - Okay, bye.
再见 Bye.
真是充满惊喜呢 Just full of surprises here.
我帮ATF调查过大学炸弹客 I worked with ATF on uni-bomber.
ATF 美国烟酒枪炮及爆炸物管理局
我协助过辛普森辩护团队 I worked on O.J.'s defense team.
- 你参与过辛普森案吗 - 没错 - You worked on O.J.'s case? - Yeah.
- 所以你认为他是无辜的吗 - 他绝对是无辜的 - So do you think he's innocent? - He was definitely innocent.
- 辛普森 - 毫无疑问 - O.J. - Definitely.
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