翻译: 西瓜 会做表的膝盖侠
校对: 濑成一
我叫Nathan Fielder My name is nathan fielder,
后期: pendz
毕业于加拿大最顶尖的商学院之一 and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools
学业成绩单
并且成绩优异 with really good grades.
压制: 肉包
如今 我运用我的学识 Now, I'm using my knowledge
来帮助挣扎求生的小企业主 to help struggling small business owners
在这个竞争激烈的世界里获得成功 make it in this competitive world.
总监: pendz
改造前
改造后
面包和糕点
改造前
改造后
面包糕点
这 This...
第二季 第三集
救援 高手
电波诚译
就是救援高手 is nathan for you.
嗷 Aw.
当你的商品是这些小可爱时 When something this cuddly is your product,
你肯定觉得生意不会差 you'd think it would sell itself.
但来自加州伯班克宠物狂热的Jennifer Berardini But Jennifer Berardini at Pet Mania in Burbank, California,
知道只有一张可爱的小脸蛋并不足以吸引客户 knows that it takes more than just a cute little face to bring in customers.
我们会在网上投放广告 We advertise online,
印一些邮寄广告 a little bit of print mail,
张贴告示 发传单 sign advertising, flyers.
伯班克时报上长期刊登我们的广告 In the Burbank Times they run our ad continuously.
但是广告的有效性不关乎数量 But effective advertising isn't about quantity.
而关乎地点 It's about location.
所以我拜访了Jennifer So I came to Jennifer
告诉她如何有目标地挖掘潜在客户 with a targeted way to reach potential customers.
宠物狂热店主
当人们养的宠物去世后 When someone has a pet, and the pet dies,
他们会想要养一只新的 they want to get a new one.
确实如此 Absolutely.
Joey Joey.
所以我认为对你来说打广告的最佳地点 So I would think the best place for you to advertise
应该是宠物墓地 would be at a pet cemetery.
噢 也许吧 Oh. Could be.
问题在于大多数宠物墓地不允许投放广告 The problem is most pet cemeteries don't allow advertisements.
没错 Right.
但是法律没有规定你能在墓碑上刻的内容 But there's no law about what you're allowed to put on a gravestone.
什么意思 Pardon?
通过在一块过世宠物的墓碑上刻宠物狂热的广告 By putting an ad for Pet Mania on a dead pet's tombstone,
Jennifer就相当于在宠物墓地拥有了一块永久广告牌 Jennifer would have a permanent billboard in a pet cemetery
可以被那些刚失去宠物的人看到 that would be seen by all the people that just lost their pets.
计划:
计划是 通过在墓碑上打广告向悼念者推销 The plan: market to mourners by advertising on a gravestone.
在墓碑上打广告
我不太赞同 I'm not sure.
有些人可能会这么理解 Some people are gonna take it one way,
而有些人可能会那么理解 and some people are gonna take it another way.
并且他们会觉得被冒犯了 And they're gonna be offended.
显然 我会将它做得非常得体 Obviously, I would do this very tastefully
与此同时达到宠物店的宣传目标 while, at the same time, meet the advertising goals of the pet store.
好吧 Okay.
为了在宠物墓地得到一块墓碑 In order to get a tombstone in a pet cemetery,
我必须得埋葬一只真的宠物 I'd have to bury a real pet.
所以一天晚上 我在厨房里抓了一只苍蝇 So the other night, I caught a fly in my kitchen
并给它取名叫嗡嗡 and named it Buzz.
即便嗡嗡很容易就能被拍死 Even though Buzz would be easy to just swat dead,
但这么做总感觉不太对 something about that felt wrong.
所以我打算竭尽所能地照顾他 So I was going to do my best to care for him
让他自然死亡 and let him die of natural causes.
同时 我开始筹备他的葬礼 In the meantime, I began to make arrangements for his funeral.
因此我联系了当地最大的宠物墓地之一 So I contacted one of the area's biggest pet cemeteries
宠物乐园 墓地及火葬场
预定日期及墓穴 to book a date and a grave plot.
这是你的宠物 This is your pet.
宠物乐园墓地总经理
你付出了无条件的爱 It's unconditional love.
我们会将你宠物的葬礼一视同仁的 We'll treat you the same with the burial.
所以明确一点 So just to be clear,
我能在墓碑上刻任何我想刻的东西 I can put whatever I want on my gravestone.
这完全由你做主 It's completely up to you.
确实 我以前从没见过有人埋苍蝇 Granted, I've never seen a fly come in here before,
但我对此持开放态度 but I'm open to it.
完全不成问题 There's not a problem with it.
这边安排妥当后 With the arrangements made,
我找了一位雕刻师一起设计嗡嗡墓碑上要刻的字 I went to an engraver to lay out the text for Buzz's headstone
这将同样作为宠物店的广告 that would double as the pet store ad.
现在只要等嗡嗡死掉就好了 Now it was just a matter of waiting until Buzz died.
在接下来的一周里 Over the next week,
我试着让他最后的日子过得稍微开心些 I tried to make his remaining days somewhat enjoyable.
我给了他一些腐烂的食物 甚至还有一只瓢虫女士 I gave him some rotting food and even a ladybug
以防他想有些性生活 in case he wanted something to have sex with.
他也很快成为了办公室的掌上明珠 He quickly became a favorite around the office, too.
你好 嗡嗡 Hello, Buzz.
有时他甚至会停在我的手指上 Sometimes he would even stay on my finger
而不是飞走 without flying away.
真不知道他为什么这么做 I wonder why he did that.
然后有一天我去上班的时候 嗡嗡没有在动 Then one day, when I came into work, Buzz wasn't moving.
我想他应该是死了 I assumed he was dead,
但为了保险起见我还是带他看了兽医 but I took him to a vet just to be sure.
这只苍蝇已经去世了 So this fly has passed away.
嗡嗡被正式宣告死亡后 With Buzz officially declared dead,
我终于能够继续推进我的计划了 I was finally able to move forward with my plan.
于是我们前往那个宠物墓地 So we headed down to the pet cemetery
参加嗡嗡的告别式 for Buzz's final send-off.
为了防止我为墓碑揭幕时受到任何阻拦 To avoid any pushback when I unveiled the gravestone,
我想让整个仪式看上去尽可能正式 I wanted the service to look as legitimate as possible.
而且因为我是犹太人 我雇了一个拉比来主持仪式 And since I'm jewish, I hired a rabbi to conduct the service
并在开始前和他简单交流了几句 and had a few words with him before.
给我讲讲我们今天要悼念的东西 呃 对象吧 Tell me a little bit about what-- who we are honoring.
拉比Barry Tuchman
嗡嗡 Buzz.
- 嗡嗡 - 他是我的宠物苍蝇 - Buzz? - Who is my pet fly.
好吧 Okay.
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
- 你笑了 - 是的 - You laughed. - Yeah.
你不觉得这样有点麻木不仁吗 Don't you think that's a little insensitive?
额 Um...
重要的是你们之间拥有的羁绊 What is important is the connection that you have.
和拉比交流完之后 After consulting with the rabbi,
我问候了唯一的吊唁者 Salomon I greeted my only guest, Salomon,
他在我们的制片办公室工作 who works in our production office
并且似乎对嗡嗡产生了好感 and seemed to take a liking to Buzz.
你以前参加过犹太式葬礼吗 Have you ever been to a jewish funeral before?
- 没有 - 噢 - No. - Oh.
那你对犹太教了解多少 What do you know about judaism?
嗯 我知道他们经常 Well, I know that they always...
他们会戴那种小帽子 They put on this little hat.
还有别的吗 And what else?
我就知道这么多 That's all I know.
好吧 你今天会了解到更多犹太教相关的东西 Well, you're gonna learn a lot more about judaism today.
好耶 Yeah.
虽然我所做的这一切都是为了帮助一家宠物店 Even though I was doing all this to help a pet store,
但我发现自己不禁感慨于这位袖珍朋友的离世 I found myself actually feeling a sense of loss for my little friend.
而当拉比走到棺材旁时 And as the rabbi approached the casket,
我真的感觉到了一丝平静 I really did feel at peace.
今天早上 我们在这里纪念一位至爱 This morning, we're here to memorialize a loved one,
嗡嗡 你的苍蝇 Buzz, your fly.
你是有福的 主啊 众生的创造者 Blessed are you, Adonai, creator of us all.
有人愿意上来分享一些关于嗡嗡的生平吗 Would there be anyone that would like to share a little bit about Buzz?
你想上去说点什么吗 Do you want to go up and say something?
我走到那个前面吗 I go in front right there?
对 Yeah.
额 Uh...
我见到嗡嗡 Well, I met Buzz--
不 不 向这边 No, no, like this way.
转过身 面朝我 Turn. Face me.
- 哦 比如在这里 - 可以啊 - Oh, like right here. - Yeah.
- 随便你站哪 - 好的 - You stand wherever you want. - Okay.
我见到嗡嗡 然后 嗯 I met Buzz, and, um,
他是一个友好的宠物 he was a friendly pet.
某种程度上来说这有点滑稽 因为嗡嗡是一只苍蝇 In a way, it's kind of--it's funny because Buzz was a fly.
但是无论 呃 嗡嗡去了什么地方 But when--wherever Buzz went,
它都不会再飞了 he's not flying anymore.
因为它将在泥土中安息 Because it's right there in the dirt.
谢谢 谢谢 Thank you. Thank you.
Nathan 你想来说两句吗 Nathan, would you like to say a few words?
再见 还有 Good-bye and...
仪式过后 宠物墓地的一位工作人员帮忙埋葬了嗡嗡 Following the service, one of the pet cemetery employees helped bury Buzz,
接着到了把他的墓碑运进来的时候了 and it was time to bring in his gravestone.
183厘米高的喷砂花岗岩厚石板 Sandblasted into a 6-foot slab of solid granite,
嗡嗡的墓碑重达将近3吨 Buzz's gravestone weighed nearly 3 tons
造价更是高达7000美元 and cost us $7,000 to make--
但对一块能坚持600多年的广告牌而言 a small price to pay for a billboard
这点钱不值一提 that will last over 600 years.
它终于被安置好后 我们就为Mike揭开了墓碑的设计 Once it was finally in place, we unveiled the design for Mike.
除了宠物狂热的名字和地址 Along with Pet Mania's name and address,
这里是我忠诚的朋友 嗡嗡的墓地 它最爱的商店是
宠物狂热
为了让悼念者光临宠物店我还添加了一条额外优惠 I also added an extra incentive to get mourners into the store.
"欢迎想要寻找新的好朋友的人"
*提及这个墓碑可享受85折优惠
但这并没有打动Mike But Mike wasn't impressed.
我们需要谈谈这个 We need to talk about this.
这样还行吗 还是 Is it cool, or...
- 你看周围没有一块墓碑像这样的 - 嗯 - You notice there's nothing like that around here. - Yeah.
Mike担心它太大了 Mike was concerned it was too big.
我不能让它矗在那 因为这块地是埋葬用的 I can't put it there because these are burial spots,
所以涉及到后续的收益 so there's a lot of money involved.
我是说 钱不是这些东西的关键 但是 I mean, money's not the issue on a lot of things, but--
保持原地不动要多少钱 500吗 What would it cost to keep it? $500?
不不 要多得多 Oh, no. More than that.
- 2000呢 - 嗯 至少这个数 - $2,000? - Yeah, minimum.
简短的谈判后我们达成了一致 只要2000美元 After a brief negotiation, we agreed that for $2,000,
就可以让它一直立在那 it could stay forever.
几分钟之内 就已经有悼念者开始注意到它了 And within minutes, mourners were already taking notice
且很可能在考虑去宠物狂热寻找过世宠物的替代品 and likely thinking about replacing their dead pets at Pet Mania.
第二天 我带Jennifer来到这个宠物墓地 The next day, I brought Jennifer to the pet cemetery
向她展示我为她的生意所做的贡献 to show her what I had done for her business.
我想你会发现这正是我们当时说好的 I think you'll find this is exactly what we agreed upon.
- 好的 - 好 当我数到三 - Okay. - Okay, when I count to three,
然后你就摘下眼罩 可以吗 I want you to take off the blindfold, okay?
- 好的 - 一 二 三 - Okay. - One, two, three.
我的天哪 Oh, my god.
怎么样 Huh?
我没有 我没料到会有这么大 I don't--I wasn't expecting that huge--
我原先以为可能就一块普通的石头 I was just expecting, like, a natural rock.
好吧 Right.
嗯 这肯定会吸引人们到店里去 Well, it's certainly going to bring people in, to the store.
Jennifer喜欢这个广告 Jennifer loved the ad,
那么接下来就是庆祝时间啦 and all there was left to do was celebrate.
香槟 Champagne.
- 噢 - 妈耶 - Oh! - Oh. S**t.
好吧 那就 Okay. Well...
我很开心能给宠物狂热带去它应得的关注 I was so happy to give Pet Mania the attention it deserved.
即便有些人会认为这只是一个墓碑上的广告 And even though some might just see it as an ad on a gravestone,
但对我来说 这也是对一位朋友最完美的致敬 to me, it was also the perfect tribute to a friend.
我在录制节目的过程中 During the course of making my show,
我碰见的被我惹毛的人多得出奇 I've run into a surprising amount of people I seem to rub the wrong way.
拿走你的披萨塞自己屁眼里吧 Take your pizza and stick it up your ass.
你知道你是什么吗 You know what you are?
你让我想到了孤独法师 You remind me of the wizard of loneliness.
- 你现在在玩一个很危险的游戏 - 好吧 对不起 - You're playing really a dangerous game right here. - Ok, I'm sorry.
我不确定为什么会这样 但我知道作为一个电视主持人 I'm not sure why that is, but I know that as a TV host
有一个不讨喜的个性对生意来说非常不利 having a personality that people don't like is bad for business.
这就是我需要做出改变的原因 And that's why I needed to make a change.
于是在录这季节目的头一个星期 So for the first week of shooting my show this season,
我雇了一个能广泛代表美国社会的焦点小组 I hired a focus group that represents a cross-section of American society
亚裔
黑人
拉丁美裔
老人
让他们在附近的一辆厢式货车里观察我的一举一动 to watch my every move from a nearby box truck.
给我讲讲你的生意吧 Tell me a little bit about your business.
我们是卖门的 有红木的 We have the doors. We have mahogany wood.
微笑
通过一个隐藏式耳机 Using a hidden ear piece,
他们能通过无线电给我实时反馈 they were able to give me real-time feedback on the fly
我们有橡木门 We have oak.
讲话时加上手部动作 Express yourself with your hands,
肩部动作 哪儿都用上 with your shoulders, with anything.
所以你们的价格是本地最公道的喽 So you've got the best prices in town.
帮助我变成一个更受人喜爱的主持人 that would help me become a more likable host.
哇 这听起来真酷 Wow. That's really cool to hear.
漂亮 这就对了嘛 Yeah. There you go.
他们告诉我如何更频繁地和观众互动 They told me how to engage with my audience more.
务必也要看看镜头
大约500个样板门供你选择 Like 500 models of doors you could choose from.
这座建筑里的所有门都是你们生产的吗 Now do you manufacture all the doors in this building?
我们生产了这座建筑里大部分的门 是的 We manufacture most of them in this building, yes.
就这样 做得不错 There you go. Good job.
他们还有一些让我显得更易亲近的时尚建议 And they also had some fashion tips to make me more relatable.
我觉得你会很适合V字领 I think a V-neck would go well with you.
V字领 真的吗 A V-neck? Really?
一件西装夹克 A blazer.
一件短袖搭一件西装夹克也许会不错 A T-shirt with a blazer might work.
对 现在还挺流行这样搭的 Yeah. That's sort of a popular style right now.
没错 Yeah.
早些时候我们遇到的唯一问题是 The only issue we encountered early on
在我们移动的时候很难让这个小组保持专注 was that it was hard for the group to stay focused while we were mobile.
- 喔哦 - 噢 - Whoa! - Ohh...
但我们很快就想出了解决对策 But we quickly found a solution to that
通过螺栓固定住桌子 并在卡车移动的时候 by bolting down the tables and strapping them in
给他们系紧安全带 while the truck was moving.
随着那一周的进行 我已经能把我的风格改进得 As the week went on, I was able to evolve my style
更符合他们的口味 to become more in line with their tastes,
一个更讨人喜爱的我开始渐渐成形 and a more likable me was starting to take shape.
- 很高兴见到你 老兄 - 你也是 - Good to meet you, man. - You too.
和我说说你的脚底按摩店吧 So tell me about your foot massage parlor.
没错 就这么做 Oh, there we go.
身体动作很不错 Body motions are great.
我们也按摩面部和头部 We also do facial and head, too.
如今 每个人都喜欢脚底按摩 对吗 Now, everyone loves a foot massage, right?
哦 真棒 他看了一眼镜头 Oh, great. He looked out at the camera.
看镜头做得很棒 漂亮 Great looking at the camera. Good job.
小组成员们十分喜爱现在的我 The group was absolutely loving who I was now.
那个 这是肥皂水还是只是 Now, is that a soapy water or is it just
- 普通的水而已 - 就是水 干净的水 - plain water? - Just the water, just clean,
- 没错 就是纯水 - 只是水嘛 - Pure--just water, yes. - Just water.
哇 这可真有趣 Wow. That's so interesting.
- 就这样做 - 真棒 真不错 - There you go. - Good! Good.
虽然我仍然处于适应阶段 And even though I was still getting used to it,
但看起来我已经变成了一个更棒的人 it seemed like I had become a better version of me.
但是在彻底转变之前 But before fully committing to this,
我想让我的新形象经受最终的考验 I wanted to put my new personality through the ultimate test.
我们一会儿再回来看结果 And we'll see that in a bit.
但是首先 But first...
请一个职业女佣来你家打扫 Having a professional maid come to your home
是生活难得的享受之一 is one of life's great luxuries.
但是刚开始对整洁房子的渴望 But what begins as a desire to have a tidy house
时常会演变成一整天的麻烦 often turns into a day-long dance
这段时间内你的家不完全属于你自己 where your home isn't fully yours.
- 我可以打扫下这儿吗 - 噢 你想打扫这里了吗 - It's okay if I go cleaning around here? - Oh, you wanna clean in here now?
好啊好啊 当然没问题 Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.
一次大扫除意味着一整天的不方便 A house clean is a full-day inconvenience.
而这也给了我一个帮助Candy Pallares And that gave me an idea that would help Candy Pallares,
位于加州格兰岱尔的相助女佣服务的老板 of The Help Maid Service in Glendale, California,
相助公司
为她的顾客提供更快清洁服务的想法 offer her customers a speedier clean.
- Nathan - 你好吗 - Nathan. - How are you doing?
我打招呼时总是会轻轻握一下手 I always do a weak handshake up front
让对方确定我不构成威胁 to establish that I'm not a threat.
好吧 Okay.
- 那好 - 嗯 这挺好的 - Okay. - Okay. That's nice.
- 只是我会做的 对 - 嗯哼 - Just something--yeah. - Oh, cool.
闲聊了几句后 我们谈起了正事儿 And after some small talk, we got down to business.
很多人就只想要两个女佣打扫两小时 A lot of people just want two people there for two hours,
相助女佣服务老板
而她们通常也能在两小时内进行全面的打扫 and they usually can do a general cleaning of things.
所以一个女佣要花四个小时 So one maid takes four hours.
两个女佣要花两小时 Two maids takes two hours.
- 没错 - 照这个逻辑 - Mm-hm. - By that logic,
40个女佣可以在六分钟之内打扫好屋子 40 maids could clean a house in six minutes.
对 Yes.
通过提供40个女佣打扫房子的服务 By offering to clean houses 40 maids at a time,
女佣服务
Candy不仅可以在一天内达成双倍的工作量 Candy would not only double the amount of jobs she could do in a day,
她的顾客们也很可能会支付额外的费用 but her customers would likely pay a premium fee
因为这项服务不仅能保证家里打扫得一尘不染 for a service that allows them to have a spotless home
而且只需出门买杯咖啡的时间即可完工 in the time it takes to go out and grab a cup of coffee.
计划是 由相助公司提供全国最快的清洁服务 The plan: for The Help to offer the fastest clean in the country
计划:
即40个女佣齐上阵 with 40 maids.
四十个女佣
呃 如果有顾客这么要求的话 Well, if a customer, I mean, asked for that--
如果他们要求20或者40个人一齐去他们家 If they want 20 people, 40 people in their house,
我是可以提供的 因为我有这么多人 I could provide it because I have the teams.
但从来没人要求过涡轮式清洁或类似的服务 But they've never really asked for a turbo-clean or anything like that.
没有人会想到去要求一项 No one knows to ask for something
还没有被发明出来的服务 that hasn't been invented yet.
只是 我不太确定该怎样操作 It just--I don't know how it would work.
Candy对此很感兴趣 Candy was intrigued,
但是我知道我们最大的挑战在于协调 but knowing that coordination would be our biggest challenge,
所以我首先要做个测试 I first needed to do a test.
于是我找到了一个愿意让我们试验这项服务的人 So I found a guy who was willing to try out the service.
你知道这个房间的具体大小吗 Do you know the measurements of this room?
并且画出了房屋内部的详细平面图 And mapped out a detailed floor plan of the inside of his house.
噢 那儿有什么吗 Oh, is there something?
是的 Yeah.
我想有人在屋外踩到狗屎然后带进来了 所以 I think somebody stepped in dog shit outside and brought it in here, so...
噢 我希望不是我带进来的 Oh. I hope that wasn't me.
那么我想她们也要清理掉这块了 So I guess they'll get that, too, then.
- 那是最好的 - 是啊 - That'd be great. - Yeah.
有了一个待打扫的屋子 第二天我让Candy召集了 With a house to clean, the next day I had Candy assemble
她最好的四个女佣来办公室作为小组负责人 four of her best maids back at the office to be team leaders.
七人打扫厨房 五人打扫客厅 Seven in the kitchen, five in the living room...
然后我们一起制定了一个万无一失的计划 And together, we came up with a sure-fire plan
来实现六分钟的打扫目标 to execute a six-minute clean.
为了让这个计划成功 女佣们必须一起行动 For this to work, the maids would have to travel together,
所以我租了一辆大巴并在车身处加上了公司标志 so I had a bus rented and outfitted with branding
并把车停在了一个适合所有女佣的折中地点 and I parked it at a central location where all the maids could meet.
Candy从她的花名册中召集了我们所需的40名女佣 Candy was able to assemble the 40 we needed from her roster.
在把她们分为小组之后 And after dividing them into groups,
小组负责人会给每一位女佣分配专门的任务 the team leaders assigned each individual maid a specific task.
然后所有女佣都上车后 And after all the maids loaded onto the bus,
Candy得回办公室去了 Candy had to head back to the office.
所以这能否成功都取决于我了 So it was all up to me to make this work.
- 让我们开始吧 - 好的 - Let's do this. - Okay.
- 那好 - 好的 - Okay. - Okay.
深知这项工作必须要准确无误地完成 Knowing that this would have to be executed like clockwork,
因此在去房子的路上 en route to the house,
我确保每一位女佣都将她们的任务熟记于心 I made sure that each maid had her individual role down pat.
你的任务是什么 What's your job?
我负责拖地的 呃 拖床下面 I'm doing the mopping under the b--the, uh, bed.
你看起来有点不太确定 所以我就 You seem a bit unsure, so I just--
我们一进去后就没时间给你犹疑了 You can't be second-guessing when we're in there.
时间很紧张的 It's gonna go really fast.
你的任务是什么 What's your job?
厨房水池
水池 一个水池也要六分钟吗 The sink? Is that gonna take six minutes, the sink?
嗯 没错 六分钟 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Six minutes.
- 确实需要六分钟吗 - 对 - It will take six minutes? - Mm-hmm.
好吧 Okay.
不久之后 我们到达了客户的家 Moments later, we arrived at the client's home.
我也无法再多做什么帮他们准备了 There was nothing more I could do to prepare them now.
好嘞 我们要开始了 All right. We're gonna do this.
- 好的 现在吗 - 没错 - Okay. Now? - Yes.
现在我的点子的未来掌握在一车女佣的手中 The future of my concept was in the hands of a bus full of maids.
好 准备好了吗 开始 All right. Ready, go!
快走 快走 快点儿 Go, go, go.
快点儿 快快快快快快快快 Faster. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
加快步伐 Pick up the pace.
快点儿进去 Hurry in.
是不是很酷 It's cool, huh?
是的 确实令人惊叹 Oh, yeah. This is amazing.
你现在在谈恋爱吗 Are you in a relationship right now?
在洛杉矶想找到好对象真的非常困难 L.A. is a really tough town to meet good people.
所以我想这意味着我现在暂时没有在谈 So I guess that makes me in between relationships.
你上一段感情怎么样 What was your last relationship?
这个嘛 你懂的 我们一度还很认真 Um, well, you know, we were pretty serious
谈了挺长时间的 and played house for a while.
都是老生常谈了 Yadda, yadda, yadda.
她 呃 然后嫁给了她的前男友 She, uh, married her ex-boyfriend,
而我在洛杉矶做训狗师 and, uh, I'm in L.A. training dogs.
真是糟糕 Oh, crap.
快点儿快点儿 越快越好 Hurry, hurry, hurry as fast as you can.
出来了 伙计们 快点儿 Let's go, guys. Come on.
干得很棒 快点儿 Great job. Come on, guys.
快出来吧 Come on, guys.
40个女佣全都出来后 Once all 40 maids were out,
我把Jim带进去看他对此次打扫是否满意 I brought Jim in to see if he was satisfied with his clean.
在我们搬进来之后还没这么干净过 It hasn't looked this good since we moved in.
说真的 我搬进来后房子从没这么干净过 Realistically, it hasn't looked this good since I moved in.
这块儿本来也很脏的 我是说 This place was dirty, too, I mean...
- 没错 - 你也知道的 - Yeah. - You know.
我知道 之前看起来很糟糕 Yeah. It looked terrible.
好嘞 伙计们 All right, guys.
我们没能准确达成六分钟的目标 We didn't hit our six minutes exactly.
我们用了八分十六秒 We were 8 minutes and 16 seconds.
不管怎样 Jim对这次清洁表示很满意 Regardless, Jim was very happy with his clean.
干得很漂亮 你们都做得非常不错 Amazing job. Y'all did a wonderful job.
非常感谢你们 真的 Thank you very much. Absolutely.
你们觉得Jim怎么样 What do you think of Jim?
他人多好啊 悉心招待了你们 He's such a great guy for hosting you, huh?
而且 呃 他还单身 And, uh... he's single...
女士们 我不知道你是否对她们中某个人感兴趣 Ladies? I don't know if you're interested in any of them.
承蒙你的好意 但是她们做了所有的苦活儿 You're very kind, but they did all the hard work.
她们值得掌声 她们的确做得很棒 They deserve applause. They really did a good job.
- 谢谢你们 - 如果你们足够幸运 - Thank you. - If you're lucky,
他也可以对你们"干"点儿苦活儿 he could do some hard work on you.
好嘞 All right.
我很钦佩自己成功完成了一次迅速的房屋清洁 I was so impressed that I pulled off a rapid house clean,
这项服务由此发轫也说不定呢 hopefully the first of many.
第二天 我去拜访了Candy看她现在是否 And the next day, I returned to see if Candy now
看到了我想法的潜力 saw the potential of my idea.
我觉得最重要的部分就是协调吧 I guess the biggest part would be kind of coordinating
要确保她们都能同时到那儿 to see how they get there at the same time.
但就清洁而言 我觉得看起来是可行的 But I think the cleaning itself, I mean, seems like it's doable.
我在一开始并不确定是否能成功 I didn't know if it was going to work at first,
但它确实成功了 and then it worked.
- 那太棒了 - 没错 - That's great. - Yeah.
谁知道呢 也许我们未来也能一起做点什么 And who knows? Maybe we could do something in the future.
是啊 比如呢 Yeah. Like what?
别的任务 别的机会啊 Other tasks, other opportunities.
对对 无所谓啦 Yeah, yeah. W-whatever.
可能吧 I guess.
那什么 Um...
你今天晚些时候有什么安排吗 What are you doing... later tonight?
我要去 呃 会去吃点夜宵什么的吧 I'm gonna go have, I guess, a late snack or something.
是吗 你一个人还是 Oh, yeah? Alone or...
和我老公一起 With my husband.
和你老公一起啊 With your husband.
对的 Yeah.
那可真甜蜜 That's sweet.
- 是啊 - 那 - Yeah. - Uh...
还是很高兴认识你 It was great meeting you, you know.
祝你生意兴隆 我得先闪了 所以 Good luck with your business. I got to scoot, so...
- 好的 那 - 没关系的 - Okay, well... - That's cool.
再见啦 See you later.
在上一季节目中 Last season on my show,
我帮了一名叫Brian Wolfe的私家侦探 I helped a private investigator named Brian Wolfe
他不太喜欢我天生的个性 who wasn't too fond of my natural personality.
看看你他妈穿着粉色衬衫 一副傻屌样 You're in a f**king pink shirt and everything else.
天呐 真是受不了你 Oh, you're killing me.
但是现在 多亏了一个多元化焦点小组的建议 But now, thanks to the advice of a diverse focus group,
我已经转变成了一个更讨喜的人 I was able to transform into a more likable person.
所以我的最终测试就是去Brian家拜访他 So for my final test, I visited Brian at his home
看看他对这个崭新的我有什么看法 to see what he thought of the new me.
多亏了你们 我已经转变了很多 So I've come a long way so far, thanks to you.
在我进去和Brian谈话之前 So before I go in tonight to talk to Brian,
我想知道我看起来还行吗 I just wanted to know do I look okay?
- 衣服是不是都 - 你看起来很棒 - Is all the... outfit? - You look good.
你的穿着 和你整个人非常搭 You're dressed, again-- it fits you perfect,
不论是V领衫还是夹克 V-neck and the blazer.
- 这很棒吗 - 对 很适合你 - This is good? - Yeah. It fits you.
- 很适合你 - 好的 所以这就是我 - It fits you. - Okay. And so this is me.
这就是你 为你自己感到自豪 This is you. Be proud of who you are.
带着这些鼓舞人心的话 With those encouraging words,
我大步走向Brian的家 I marched into Brian's house
测试我的新个性能否让他对我改观 to see if my new personality would win him over.
Brian Brian.
Nathan 你好 最近怎么样 Nathan. How you doing? How you been?
我想告诉你一件事 Brain I want to tell you something, Brian.
我上回来这里的时候 我有点小紧张 Last time I was here, I was a little nervous.
好吧 Okay.
我没有展现出真正的自己 And I wasn't really being myself.
所以我想我们可以重来一次 So I thought we could do this again.
好吧 Okay.
而这一次 你可以认识真正的我 And this time, you can get to know the real me.
看看你 Look at you.
你还是个呆瓜 但这就是你 You're still a goober, but that's just you.
你知道我什么意思吧 You know what I mean?
你在说什么啊 什么呆瓜 那是什么意思 What are you talking about, goober? What's that mean?
呆瓜就是个傻瓜 书呆子 Goober just means like a dork, a nerd.
- 我是个呆子 - 你知道你就是个呆子 - I'm a nerd. - You know you're a nerd.
你这一辈子都是个呆子 You've been a nerd your entire life.
但是当个傻呆子也没什么不好的啊 There's nothing wrong with being a f**king nerd.
- 你是个呆子 - 我不是个呆子 - You're a nerd. - I'm not a nerd.
好啊 你知道的 这只是我个人观点 All right, well, you know, that's my opinion.
说真的 如果我现在朝你扔个橄榄球 Seriously, if I threw a football at you right now,
你觉得你能接住吗 you think you could catch it?
- 我能接住橄榄球 - 你能接住橄榄球吗 - I could catch the football. - You can catch a football?
- 能呀 - 我不信 - Yeah. - I doubt it.
我不信你能接住一个橄榄球 I doubt you can catch a football.
Brain还是不喜欢我 Brian still didn't like me.
在我做了这么多努力之后 这让我无法理解 And after all the work I had done, I didn't know why.
别伤心啊 没事的 Don't be sad. It's okay.
然后当我回到卡车上的时候 Then, when I returned to the truck,
我震惊地发现四个人居然试图 I was shocked to discover that the group was trying to
与他们自己的建议撇清关系 distance themselves from their own suggestions.
你领子太低了 It's too low.
那个V领 实在太低了 The V-neck. It's just too low.
那你刚刚怎么没说 Why didn't you speak up before?
我在进去之前问过你们是否好看的 I asked before I went in if this was good.
我并不知道领子会低成那样 老兄 I didn't know it was gonna be that low, man.
你什么意思 你不喜欢V领吗 What do you mean? You didn't like the V-neck?
不喜欢那么低的 Not that low.
进去之前我问过你们觉得这身打扮怎么样啊 I asked you guys before I went in what do you think of this look?
- V领是到这儿 不是到这儿 - 你们说过 - V-neck is this, not here. - You guys said
你们喜欢我这身打扮的 you liked the look.
和你整个人非常搭 It fits you perfectly,
不论是V领衫还是夹克 V-neck and the blazer.
在那时我意识到了整次试验中存在一个巨大的问题 That's when I realized there was a major flaw with my entire experiment.
我的新个性是建立在四个人的判断力之上的 This new personality was based on the judgment of four people
四个同意在移动的厢式货车里工作的人 who had agreed to work out of the back of a moving box truck.
当然会存在缺陷 Of course it was flawed.
最终 也许我无论如何都无法被所有人喜爱 In the end, maybe there was nothing I could do to become the guy that everyone loves.
但是在很短的一段时间内 But for a brief moment in time,
以为自己有机会做到让我感觉很棒 it felt nice thinking that I had a chance.
能给我来个马杀鸡吗 Can I get a little rubby-dub-dub?
哈哈哈哈哈 Ho ho ho ho!
真棒 Nice.
说得不错 真不错 Good one. Good one. Good one.
很好 All right.
我想了解一下 紧急出口在哪里 Just so I know, where are the emergency exits?
嗯 Uh...
紧急出口 Emergency exits.
嗯 这个嘛 我想可以用前门 Um... well, I guess we could use the front door
- 和后门 - 前门和后门 - and the back door. - Front and back door.
- 没错 - 好的 - Sure. - Okay.
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