翻译: 蚊子 柯希莫的枷锁 Animo
校对: 不介意上小黑板的濑成一
我叫Nathan Fielder My name is Nathan Fielder.
后期: pendz
毕业于加拿大最顶尖的商学院之一 And I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools
学业成绩单
并且成绩优异 with really good grades.
压制: 肉包
如今 我运用我的学识 Now, I'm using my knowledge
来帮助挣扎求生的小企业主 to help struggling small business owners
在这个竞争激烈的世界里获得成功 make it in this competitive world.
总监: pendz
改造前
改造后
面包和糕点
改造前
改造后
面包糕点
这 This...
救援 高手
电波诚译
第二季 第八集
就是救援高手 is Nathan for You.
这位是Mark Rappaport 马克趣玩店的老板 This is Mark Rappaport, owner of Marky Sparky Toys.
在他发明的所有产品里 And of all the products he's invented,
有一个烂得突出 one stands out as the absolute worst.
"弹弹乐"是一个奇怪且没用的球 The "Doink-it" is a strange ball that doesn't do much.
而且对Mark来说不幸的是 And, unfortunately for Mark,
它一直以来销量也不佳 it hasn't been the biggest seller, either.
这一行不是那么美好的 它确实给孩子带去了欢乐 It's not all fun-- it's all fun and games--
马克趣玩店老板
直到没人再买你的玩具了 until nobody buys your toys.
但就我个人而言 But as far as I'm concerned,
当你的顾客是儿童时 玩具的质量并不重要 the quality of the toy shouldn't matter when you're selling to kids.
所以我去拜访了Mark 教他如何把那些弹弹乐卖出去 So I paid Mark a visit, with a way to get those doink-its sold.
你在孩提时代最最想要的东西是什么 When you're a kid, what's the one thing you want more than anything?
权力 Power.
错 是不再被当成婴儿 No. To not be seen as a baby.
和孩子做买卖很简单 It's very easy to market to kids,
因为他们的大脑还很小 because their brains are so small.
所以比起卖一颗球 Mark应该向孩子贩卖一种身份 So rather than selling a ball, Mark should be selling an identity for children.
身份
什么身份呢 That identity?
身份:
即拥有弹弹乐是证明你不再是婴儿的唯一办法 That owning a doink-it is the only way to prove you're not a baby.
不再是婴儿
不行 免谈 No. No.
这是销售基本常识 This is marketing 101.
只有你这么认为吧 A--according to you.
可这才是销售产品的秘诀啊 Well, that's what sells products.
厉害 棒极了 我兴奋死了 Fantastic! Fantastic. I am so excited.
你这是在嘲讽我么 Am I sensing some sarcasm?
不然嘞 Yes.
Mark不以为然 Mark wasn't convinced,
并说只有一件东西能够说服他 and said there was only one thing that could win him over.
现金 美钞 Cash. Money.
我需要证明这个方法真的能赚到钱 I needed to show that this would be profitable.
所以那周晚些时候 我召集了一个焦点小组 So later that week, I arranged a focus group
以测试我的营销方案能否真正在孩子身上奏效 to see if my marketing approach would work with actual children.
当我展示这个产品的时候 你们是怎么想的 When I show this to you, what do you think?
- 你们想要吗 - 不想 - Do you want it? - Nope.
- 才不 - 不 - Nah. - No.
为什么 Why?
- 太蠢了 - 这很蠢吗 - Dumb. - It's dumb?
是啊 Yeah.
好的 呃 大家稍等一下 Okay, uh, hold on a second, guys.
我刚接到一个电话 I just got a call.
喂 Hello?
噢 好的先生 真的吗 Oh, yes sir. Really?
天哪 好的 我会告知他们的 Oh my god, yeah, I'll let them know.
不好意思啊大家 是总统打来的 Sorry, guys. That was the president calling.
他刚刚告诉我拥有这个玩具 And he just told me that owning this toy
是证明你不再是婴儿的唯一方法 is now the only proof you're not a baby.
呃 我是说 我有一个 Well, I mean, I have one.
所以我没事 你们还是婴儿吗 或者 So that's good. Are you guys babies or...
- 不是 - 才不 - Nope. - Nah.
但你没有这个玩具 所以你肯定是个婴儿喽 Well you don't have the toy, so you must be a baby.
除非你有一个 那你就不是了 Unless you have it, then you're not.
好嘞 所以现在你们俩不是婴儿了 Oh, okay, so now... you two aren't babies,
但你还是个婴儿吗 But are you a baby?
- 你是个小婴儿吗 - 不是 - Are you a baby? - No.
但是你没有这个玩具啊 Well, you don't have the toy.
你们对没有这个玩具的孩子怎么看 What do you think about kids that don't have the toy?
- 可悲吧 - 古怪 - Mm, sad. - Weird.
- 可悲吗 - 很奇怪 - Sad? - Weird.
- 为什么 - 因为他们还是小婴儿 - Why? - Because they're a baby.
这个策略的效果比我想象的还要好 The strategy worked even better than I had hoped.
所以我重新设计了这款玩具的包装 So I rebranded the toy's packaging
并带去给Mark看 征询他的意见 and brought it to Mark to see what he thought.
这简直没眼看 It's horrible.
具体哪里不好呢 I mean, what specifically?
呃 一个穿尿布的孩子 Uh, kid in a diaper?
还有 呃 一群指着他的孩子 With, um, children pointing at him?
如果这就是你的水平 那你真是够菜的 If this is the best you've got, you're awful.
我是说 我花了很多人力和物力去帮你卖 I mean, I'm putting a lot of effort and resources into trying to sell...
- 但你实在是 - 它没那么 - Well you're not... - It's less--
你实在是不擅长干这一行 You're not good at what you do.
就这样 你真的不适合干这一行 Um, you're not good at what you do.
和Mark合作就像玩他生产的玩具一样"有趣" Working with Mark was about as much fun as playing with his toys.
但我坚信我可以打动他 But I was convinced I could win him over
只要我向他展示销售成果 if I showed him results.
所以我为弹弹乐创作并拍摄了一条专业的电视广告 So I wrote and shot a professional TV commercial for the doink-it,
能确保其在儿童群体中的销量 that was guaranteed to get kids to buy it.
如果你是三至八岁的儿童 If you are between the ages of three and eight,
请仔细听好 please listen closely.
现在拥有一个弹弹乐是唯一证明 Owning a doink-it is now the only proof
你不是个小婴儿的证据 that you are not a baby.
如果你没有这个玩具 If you don't have this toy,
别人会认为你穿尿布而且整天没事就哭 people will think you wear diapers and cry all the time.
所有人都会以为你还睡在婴儿床里 用奶瓶喝水 Everybody will think you sleep in a crib and drink from a bottle
如果你没有这个玩具的话 if you don't have one of these.
并且每当你说话的时候 别人只能听见 And whenever you speak, all people will hear is,
"咕咕 嘎嘎" "Goo goo, ga ga."
所以赶紧要你的妈妈或爸爸去给你买一个弹弹乐 So tell your mom or dad to buy you a doink-it.
不然的话 在其他所有人眼里 Because otherwise, as far as anyone's concerned,
你就是个婴儿 you're a baby.
对了 它还是个玩具球 Oh, it can also be used as a toy ball.
弹弹乐
你不是婴儿的唯一证据
卡 好样的 Cut. Nice.
广告很完美 It was perfect.
但当我试着在本地电视台买个时段的时候 But when I tried to buy ad time on a local station,
你这是在欺骗儿童 You're lying to the kids,
说什么如果他们没有这个玩具就是个婴儿 and saying that they're a baby if they don't have this toy.
他们说像这样的广告永远不会上电视的 they said a commercial like this would never make it on tv.
这代表着我需要换个新方案 And that meant, I needed a new approach.
所以我说服了一家当地的玩具店帮忙卖这款弹弹乐 So I convinced a local toy store to carry the doink-it
你 是 婴 儿 吗
并给他们提供了一个免费的圣诞老人作为交换 by offering to provide them with a santa, free of charge,
为即将来临的节日季做准备 for the approaching holiday season.
但他们不知道的是 这个圣诞老人是我的老朋友James Bailey But what they didn't know is that santa was my old pal, James Bailey,
我相信他一定会确保 who I could trust to make sure
每个孩子都会想要一个弹弹乐作为圣诞礼物 that every kid would be asking for a doink-it for Christmas.
- 随着James的就位 - 圣诞老人哎 - And with James in place... - Santa!
推销弹弹乐的时候到了 it was time to sell some doink-its.
你想好圣诞节要什么礼物了吗 Do you know what you'd like to have for Christmas?
呃 我很想要一个<童话高中>的人物玩偶 Um, I would really want an Ever After High doll.
天哪 这意味着你肯定还是个小婴儿 My, that--that--that tells me that you must be a baby.
- 你是个婴儿吗 - 不是 - Are you a baby? - No.
看到这些嘲笑小男孩的人了吗 See all these people making fun of the boy?
我们可不想让别人认为你是个婴儿 So, we don't want people to think that you're a baby.
而唯一证明你不是婴儿的办法 And the only way you can prove that,
- 就是拥有一个弹弹乐 - 好吧 - is if you have a doink-it toy. - Okay.
这项计划效果奇好 The plan was working great.
- 我需要这个 所以 - 你想买这个吗 - I need this, so... - You're gonna get this?
我们学校的一个女 女生 她对我很刻薄 One of the girls that-- at my school, she's mean to me.
她对你很刻薄吗 噢 这可不妙啊 She's mean to you? Oh, that's not good.
我怀疑是不是因为她认为你还是个婴儿 I wonder if that's because she might think you're a baby,
因为你没有弹弹乐 because you don't have a doink-it.
唔 这肯定意味着你还在穿纸尿裤 Well, that must mean you wear diapers.
不 我已经不穿纸尿裤了 No, I don't wear diapers anymore.
因为我说我想再当个婴儿了 'Cause I don't wanna be a baby, I said!
这话可不像是圣诞老人应该说的 Just doesn't seem like something santa should be saying,
说什么孩子会被看成婴儿 that kids are gonna look like babies.
好吧 这是你的看法 Well, that's--that's your opinion.
尽管有几个过度紧张的父母上前阻拦 Despite a couple uptight parents,
弹弹乐仍然是当天销量最好的玩具 the doink-it was the top-selling toy of the day.
但当我回去跟Mark汇报这个好消息时 But when I went back to Mark with the good news,
他依然不懂我 he still didn't get it.
这是个可怕的建议 拙劣的画工 That was horrible advice and awful graphics,
- 糟心的设计 - 不 但它起作用了啊 - terrible design... - No, but it did work.
- 极度不专业 - 你继续 - unprofessional... - Okay.
你从来没有证明这个点子有用 You never proved that it worked.
但我们确实有销售量啊 We did get sales.
现实生活中 不是所有人都能分享你的愿景 In life, not everyone will see your vision.
但是以高姿态应对是极为重要的 But it's important to always take the high road.
而有时候振作起来的最好办法就是送礼 And sometimes the best way to brighten spirits is with a gift.
这就是你 This is you.
但我和Mark之间最大的差别 But the biggest difference between me and Mark
在于当我玩玩具的时候 is that when I play with toys,
我总是赢家 I win.
嗨 我是Marky Hi, I'm Marky.
我是个胯下雏鸟的二逼商人 I'm an idiot business man with a small dick.
我不知道我对别人造成了多大的伤害 I have no idea how much I hurt other people's feelings.
而且我就是这个行业的笑柄 And I'm the laughing stock of my industry.
在上一季的节目里 Last season on my show,
我帮助了一个叫Brian Wolfe的私家侦探 I helped a private investigator named Brian Wolfe,
办法是在Yelp给了他一条好评 by giving him a positive review on Yelp.
我他妈根本就不在乎Yelp 好吗 I don't give a flying f**k about Yelp, okay?
但最近我去拜访Brian的时候 But when I recently visited Brian,
他告诉了我一个令人震惊的消息 he told me something that came as a shock.
我上完你节目之后 呃 When I was on your show, um,
收到了很多不同制片公司的电话 I've received a lot of phone calls from different production companies.
就个人而言 我现在有了自己的真人秀 And--and personally, right now, I have my own reality show.
这是真的 It's true.
在我把他捧红后 Brian在探索频道上有了自己的节目 Brian got his own show on the discovery channel after I made him a star.
但我却什么好处也没捞着 But I got nothing from this deal.
我担心更多参加我节目的人会被挖去开发自己的真人秀 So, worried that more people from my show would be poached for their own reality series,
于是我把第一季完整地过了一遍 I went through the entire first season
看看有没有其他潜在的候选人 to see if there were any other potential candidates.
就在那时我想起了Simon And that's when I remembered Simon,
他是个专业的保安 只不过有个致命弱点 a professional security guard, with one major weakness.
所以对你来说双D罩杯是必要条件吗 Double "D" Breasts are essential for you?
必须得是 必须是又大又实的 It's gotta be-- it's gotta be substantial.
他的故事汇集了成为大热真人秀所需的元素 His story had all the ingredients for a reality hit.
于是我把Simon叫来我的办公室 So I called simon into my office,
因为他如果想做自己的真人秀 because if he was gonna get his own series,
我想要成为制作人 I wanted to produce it.
是这样的 Simon So, Simon.
你觉得做一个关于你的真人秀怎么样 How do you feel about pitching a reality show about you?
哇哦 这可是件大事 Wow. That's pretty big.
我 我肯定感兴趣啊 I would--I would definitely be interested in that.
对我来说 这是个很好的想法 To me, it's the perfect concept.
你是个很称职的保安 You're a security guard who's very good at his job,
但只有一件事会让你分心 but there's only one thing that distracts you.
- 对 - 是什么呢 - Right. - Which is?
嗯 是啊 就是大 大胸的妹子 Uh, yeah. Girls with uh, big-- big, uh, breasts.
Simon入伙了 Simon was in.
接下来一小时我们为这个节目想了些可能的故事情节 So we spent the next hour coming up with some potential storylines for our series.
比如说我在一家商店做安保工作 Let's say a situation where I was working security in a store,
然后 呃 一个女人走了进来 和平时一样 and, um, a woman walked in, like, almost every day,
她很漂亮 但胸很小 who was very pretty, but had small breasts.
然后 过了大概一个星期 And then, like maybe a week later,
她又来了 但她的胸变大了 she walked in, um, and she had uh, larger breasts.
我就能分辨出来她做了乳房植入手术 你懂的 And I could tell that she'd had implants, you know.
这 这可以拍成一期 一期 That could be, that could be, like one--th--one--
这可以拍成一期节目 That could be one show.
你知道一期电视节目有半小时长 对吧 You know an episode of TV is a half-an-hour long, right?
知道 Right.
好吧 Okay.
我们经过讨论又想了一些新点子 We brainstormed a few more ideas,
在拍摄了一小段样片用于展示后 and after shooting a short demo presentation,
我在那周晚些时候安排了一场推介会 I set up a pitch meeting with one of the biggest
对方是全国最大牌的真人秀制作人之一 reality show producers in the country for later that week.
我们过会再来看这边 So we'll check back with this in a bit.
但首先 But first...
电影院的生意现在并不好做 It's a tough time to be in the movie theater biz,
因为大部分票房收入都分给了电影制作团队 with most of the ticket sales going to the people that make the movies,
像加州惠蒂尔的惠蒂尔村电影院 theaters like Whittier Village Cinemas, in Whittier, California,
只得靠卖零食来勉强维持经营 have to rely on snack sales to scrape by.
卖品区才是真正能赚到钱的地方 The concession's where you're gonna make money.
惠蒂尔村电影院经理
我们就是这样 我们是一家大型 That's all we are, is one giant--
一家电影院就是个大型货摊 A movie theater's just one giant concession stand.
于是我去拜访了电影院的经理Erik Chaffino So I paid theater manager, Erik Chaffino, a visit,
并告诉了他一个可以瞬间让利润翻倍的方法 with a simple way to instantly double his profits.
据我观察通常情况下都是一个人买爆米花 It seems like, oftentimes, one person will buy popcorn,
- 嗯哼 - 然后两个人会一起分享 - Uh-huh. - and then two people will share it.
是啊 几乎95%的顾客会一起分享 Yeah. Pretty much every-- 95% of the customers will share.
但现在不是了 But not anymore.
计划是 制定一条规则强迫每位顾客自己买零食 The plan--force each customer to buy their own concession item with a new rule:
计划:
新规定
不许分享
那就是不许分享 no sharing allowed.
呃 你觉得顾客会乐意接受吗 Hmm. Do you think the customers are gonna treat-- take that well?
你想啊 如果爱迪生担心失去买蜡烛的顾客 You know, if Edison was worried about his candle customers,
他就永远不会发明电灯泡 he would have never invented the light bulb.
没错 没错 True, true.
做第一个吃螃蟹的人是需要勇气的 所以 It takes a little bit of courage to be the first one out there to change something, so...
是让你可以和那种人物媲美的创举 And this could be, kind of, of that caliber.
没错 就像你说的 托马斯·杰斐逊如果 Yeah, like you said, uh, Thomas Jefferson would...
如果他顾虑到 呃 他的蜡烛 if he was caring about the-- his candle...
- 是爱迪生 - 爱迪生 谢谢指正 - Edison. - Edison, thank you.
- 没关系 - 是的 所以 - Yeah, it's okay. - Yeah, so, yeah...
爱迪生对待蜡烛的态度 你懂吧 what Edison did with the candles, you know,
如果他担心蜡烛的事 他就不会发明 if he was afraid of that, he wouldn't have invented,
你懂的 电灯泡之类的 you know, light bulbs, and so...
没错 Right.
Erik同意了 Erik was in.
于是第二天 培训完员工后 So the next day, after prepping the staff,
我们开始启用这项新规定 we put the new policy into effect.
不许分享卖品
我要一份小爆米花 谢谢 Can I have a small popcorn, please?
你们不能分享的 所以要来两份小爆米花吗 You guys can't be sharing, so do you guys want two small popcorns?
呃 行吧 Shhh--uh, sure.
看上去计划起作用了 It seemed to be working,
一些人因此调整了他们的订单 购买了第二份商品 as some people were adjusting their orders and buying a second item.
- 一人一份 - 谢谢你 - One per each. - Thank you.
拿去吧 请慢用 There you go, enjoy.
但随着顾客越来越多 But as more customers arrived,
我开始担心人们会试图规避这项制度 I became worried that people were trying to get around the policy.
对 我们要一份就够了
好吧 Okay.
而当我走进影厅查看的时候 And when I looked inside the theater,
我的怀疑被证实了 my suspicions were confirmed.
所以我得小心地提醒人们他们违反了电影院的规定 So I discreetly had to remind people that they were in violation of theater rules.
不好意思 我们 我们规定不能分享零食 I'm sorry, we can't-- we can't have you sharing.
我们没有啊
我看到你们分享了 I saw you sharing.
什么时候?
我看到他抓了一把吃 I saw him take some.
我不知道你看到了什么 反正我们没有分享
你吃了吗 Did you have any?
因为你衣服这块儿全是渣子 'Cause it's all over your shirt, here...
不 那只是
不小心掉出来的
好吧 不好意思 那你介意我闻一下你的手指吗 Okay, can I--j-- I'm sorry, do you mind if I smell your fingers?
好吧 闻起来一股爆米花味 Okay, so it smells like popcorn?
他是拿了一些
没错 他是拿了
他拿了 所以他是拿了 He did, so he did.
你们这么做就等于是在偷影院的东西 It's basically stealing from the theater, when you do that.
好吧
作弊太容易了 It was too easy to cheat,
而且缺乏有效监控影厅内情况的办法 and without a good way to monitor what was going on inside the theater,
几乎不可能让人们严格遵守不许分享的规定 it was impossible for the no-sharing policy to be enforced.
因此在晚高峰到来前 So before the evening rush,
我在影厅前面安装了几个夜视摄像机 I set up several night-vision cameras at the front of the theater,
这样我们就可以看到任何觍着脸分享零食的人 enabling us to view any people that decided to share
通过我安装在放映室里的监视器 from monitors I set up in the back room.
而在培训员工的时候 And while training the staff,
我发现这些摄像机对影院来说可能还有另一个用处 I learned that the cameras might be useful to the theater for another purpose as well.
通常都是年纪稍大的 呃 It's usually, it's like older, like, um,
一些中年人会在深夜独自去看儿童电影 middle-aged men going to like a kid's movie by themselves, late at night.
但我们从来没真正逮住过一个人 But we've never actually, like, caught somebody...
- 噢 好吧 - 没抓过现行 - Oh, okay. - Mid-process.
所以这能用来监视分享爆米花的人 So this could work for popcorn-sharers...
还有变态 And--and perverts.
我很开心这是个一举两得的办法 I was happy it could serve a dual purpose,
但由于目前摄像机的安装角度只方便抓分享爆米花的人 but since all the camera angles were currently set up to catch people sharing snacks,
我就让Frank帮我调整角度 I had Frank help me adjust the angles
以确保也能发现影院变态 to make sure they could also spot theater perverts
不论他们坐在哪里 no matter where they were sitting.
再高一点 A little higher up.
而且在我们把摄像机调整到最佳位置的过程中 And as we perfected the camera's vantage point,
我对我所在的这个小镇又多了一些了解 I got to know a little bit more about this town I was in.
在惠蒂尔生活是什么样子的 So what's life like in Whittier?
这儿有很多挺酷的公园 There's a--quite a few parks that are cool.
呃 罗纳德·里根在这里念过高中 Um, Ronald Reagan went to high school here.
还有大学 还有这里的树好像是所有城市里最多的吧 College... I think it has the most trees? In any city?
各种各样的树 Variety of trees...
哇哦 我之前不知道 Wow. I didn't know that.
等所有摄影机都就位后 Once the cameras were all set,
我在监控前观察了下一场放映 I got in place for the next showing.
而眼前的景象让我惊呆了 And what I saw shocked me.
分享了 如我所料 Share. Boom.
逮住你了 这完全是预谋好的分享 Gotcha. That's premeditated sharing.
他们简直太无耻了 不停地违反规定 They're just shameless. They just keep doing it.
就好像没有一个人真的 每个人都在分享 It's just like no one is even-- everyone is sharing.
我知道要是没什么后果这种行为只会继续猖獗 Knowing that this behavior would only continue without some sort of consequence,
于是在放映结束后 after the screening was over,
我把两个违规者带到幕后放映室 I led two of the perpetrators into the back room
以儆效尤 to make an example of them.
- 这个呢 就是我们的监控系统 - 然后呢 - Uh, this right here is our, uh, monitoring system. - Mm-hmm.
- 而你们俩刚才分享了零食 - 嗯哼 - And you guys were sharing. - Mm-hmm.
因此这意味着你们将被记在通告板上 Because of that, that means you--you have to go up on the board.
什么板 What board?
- 就是 - 分享爆米花和在电影院 好吧 - The... - "Popcorn sharing and theaters... Uh-huh.
爆米花分享者 和 电影院手淫者
这是违规行为记录板 This is a violations board.
但我不觉得 我是说 我们的确分享了爆米花 Well, I don't think... I mean, we shared popcorn.
- 但我们并没有在里面手淫 - 没错 - We weren't masturbating there. - No.
手淫不是指你们 是说以后被我们抓到的人 It's not you, that's for when we catch someone else.
- 哦 - 这两种行为都记录在这块板上而已 - Oh. - We just have one board for both.
好吧 那你得准备两块板 Okay, well you need to make two separate boards
我可不想和手淫者被混为一谈 'cause I ain't gonna be a masturbator up there.
这些软木板大概要20美元一个 These cork boards are like $20.
所以我们得买两块木板 如果是用来 So, we'd have to buy two, if it was for--
再分一块板来记录手淫者 And a separate one for masturbators.
- 所以我们就并在了一处 - 但你们经营电影院哎 - So we just made it one board. - Well, you guys run a theater.
你们肯定买得起两块木板 You should be able to afford two boards.
好的 谢谢你的反馈 Okay, thank you for that feedback.
- 我们会加以考虑的 - 嗯哼 - And we might take it into account. - Yeah.
有了惩罚措施后 我本希望可以阻止违规者 With a punishment in place, I was hopeful it would curb violators.
但我发现惠蒂尔这儿的人 But the one thing I found out about Whittier
简直恬不知耻到了一定境界 is that people were just flat-out rude.
我不在乎登上这块通告板啊 I don't mind being on the board
因为我会继续分着吃 分着吃 分着吃 because I'll share, and share, and share.
除此之外 当我终于将成品展现给Erik的时候 On top of that, when I finally showed Erik the system,
他并不像我期望的一样兴奋 he wasn't as excited as I had hoped.
或许并不合适这家影院 这或许不是我们需要的 May not be for this theater. It may not be what we need.
好吧 Okay.
这沉重地打击到了我 It was a hard blow
一星期内两桩生意都拒绝了我的点子让我很伤心 having two businesses reject my ideas in one week made me sad.
我的唯一希望就是我和Simon的推介会能给一切带来转机 My only hope was that my pitch with Simon would turn things around.
终于到了推销节目这一天 It was the day of our big pitch,
我和Simon在大堂里紧张地等待会议开始 and Simon and I nervously waited in the lobby for our meeting.
在进入主题之前 Before getting into the pitch,
可以聊点好莱坞轶闻啥的 先熟络一番 it might be good to start off with, you know, some hollywood chitchat or...
- 好的 - 让他们觉得你很懂行情 - Right. - Make 'em aware that you-- you know-- you know the industry.
有道理 稍微聊一聊 Yeah. A little small talk.
- 没错 - 好的 没问题 - Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
Simon准备好后 我们会见了真人秀制片人Brant Pinvidic With Simon prepped, we met with reality tv producer Brant Pinvidic
他将决定我们的真人秀能否与电视台达成协议 to see if we could land a deal for our new reality show.
你记得那个电影<菲利普船长>吗 Do you remember that movie Captain Phillips?
我记得 I do.
我听说里面那个索马里演员 Yeah, I heard that the, uh, Somali actor who played the, uh,
他扮演了其中一名海盗 who played the part of one of the pirates,
我听说他现在几乎破产了 所以 I heard that he's almost broke-- broke right now, so...
- 很残酷 - 对的 - Tough. - Yeah.
- 很残酷的行业 - 嗯 的确 - Tough business. - Yeah, it is.
并不像表面那样光鲜 It's not all glamour.
Simon建立了他的行业信誉之后 After Simon established his industry cred,
我们向Brant试映了我们的节目 we cued up our show for Brant.
让我们开始吧 Here we go.
我叫Simon Kellogg My name is Simon Kellogg,
我是一名专业的安保人员 and I'm a professional security guard.
我的工作需要我能持续集中注意力和做出迅速的反应 My job requires constant focus and split-second response time.
什么都不能让我从工作中转移注意力 Nothing can keep me from focusing on my duty,
只有一件事除外 except for one thing...
对于大胸的极度痴迷 A crippling obsession with large breasts.
这是我的故事 This is my story.
这就是西蒙视界 This is Simon Sees.
西蒙视界
加州 恩西诺
每天早上我大概七点或者七点十五起床 Every morning, I wake up about 7:00 or 7:15.
然后我一般会喝一杯水 And then I usually have a glass of water
水是我前一天晚上睡觉前放到床头柜上的 that I put on the bedside table the night before.
之后我会铺床 Then I make my bed,
然后我走进浴室去 呃 刮胡子 and then I go into the bathroom and I, uh, shave,
刷牙还有洗澡 brush my teeth, and take a shower.
接下来 我会回到卧室 Next, I come back into my bedroom,
如果是工作日的话 我会穿上我的安保制服 and if it's a work day, I put on my security uniform.
呃 一般先穿袜子 再穿裤子 Uh, usually my socks first, and then my pants,
然后是我的短袖 最后是我的安保衬衫 and then my undershirt, and then my security shirt.
我一般在穿上衬衣之后才会拉上裤子拉链 I usually don't do up my pants until I have my shirts on
因为裤子穿上之后更容易把衬衣塞进去 because it's easier to tuck my shirts in after I've had my pants on.
然后我会进厨房 我一般会吃 呃 Then I go into my kitchen, and I usually have, uh,
吃早饭 有时候会喝一杯咖啡 breakfast, and sometimes a cup of coffee.
今天的早餐我做了一个食肉派三明治 Today, for breakfast, I made a hot pocket sandwich
因为它比麦片尝起来好吃 because it tasted better than eating cereal.
然后微波炉响了 我知道我的三明治好了 Then the microwave sounded, and I knew my hot pocket was done,
所以我把它从微波炉里拿出来 so I took it out of the microwave.
我的小诀窍是 先咬第一口 My trick is to take, uh, the first bite,
然后把三明治张开一点点 往里面吹气 and then open the sandwich a little bit, and then I blow on the inside,
呃 为了让它冷却下来 uh, to cool it down.
在我吃完食肉派三明治后 And then after I finished eating the hot pocket sandwich,
我冲了冲我的盘子并放在了晾干架上 I, uh, rinsed off my plate and put it on the dish drainer.
然后我离开家去工作 Then I leave the house and go to work.
今天我被分配到查特斯沃思的一家珠宝店工作 Today I was assigned to work at a jewelry store in Chatsworth.
我一直努力做一个诚实的人 I always try to be honest about things,
所以每当我开始在一家新店面工作时 so whenever I start a new job,
我总是试着让业主能够了解我 I always try to let the owner know about me,
避免发生让他们意外的事 so there will be no surprises.
只有一件事我觉得你需要知道 There is just one thing that I think you should know about...
呃 有时候胸部丰满的女性会让我分神 Um, sometimes I get distracted by women with big chests.
就是我可能会看看她们什么的 Um, you know, I might be looking at them, or something.
但是我 我 But I, I--I--I--
好吧 我觉得我们并没有必要讨论这些 Okay, this is something we really don't need to discuss, I believe.
好吧 Okay.
跟他说明过情况后 我便回到我的岗位开始工作 After I briefed him, I got in to my position and started working.
我喜欢站在门边 这样我能看见每一个进来的人 I like to stand by the door, so I can see everybody who's coming in,
并且监视可疑的人 and watch for any suspicious people.
我注意到那家店有一名女性雇员 I noticed that there was a female employee,
她是个亚洲人 差不多三十刚出头 uh, she was Asian, and in her-- in her early to mid 30s.
但是她并不能使我分心 But she was not a distraction,
因为她的胸部不够丰满 because she did not have large breasts.
然后过了大概有二十或三十分钟 Then, about 20 or 30 minutes later,
我听见门开了 然后一个顾客走了进来 I heard the door open, and I saw a customer walk in.
而且我注意到这位女性胸部很丰满 And I noticed it was a woman with large breasts.
如果那时有抢劫发生的话 If a robbery happened then,
我很可能会因为这位女性严重分神 I would proba--probably be so distracted by the woman,
以至于可能都不会注意到抢劫 that I would probably not even notice it.
当这位女性在商店里的时候 While the woman was in the store,
我不停地在想象所有我想跟她一起做的事 I just kept thinking about all the things I'd like to do with her.
比如怎么脱掉她的衣服啊 How I'd like to get naked with her
然后开始 呃 开始握住她的胸部 and start to, uh, start to hold her breasts,
然后揉搓它们 然后 呃 用我的手 and, uh, massage them. And then, um, to use my hands
尝试去轻轻摇晃它们 and try to uh, try to rock them.
然后 呃 揉搓它们 And, uh, massage them.
这真是太好看了 我真的很喜欢这款 That's super, super pretty. I really like that.
当我进入状态时 时间仿佛都停止了 Well, when I get into this state, time stands still
或者更准确来说时间都变慢了 呃 or it kinda like, slows down, uh, uh,
慢到一个几乎停止的状态 to a--to an almost-stopping point.
我的意思是 我还是有那么一丁点时间感 I mean, I have a little bit of a sense of time.
我知道时间在流逝 I know that time is moving,
但流逝得非常非常慢 but it's moving very, very slowly.
当她离开的时候 我替她开了门 When she left, I opened the door for her,
然后说 "再见 祝您今天愉快" and said, "Good-bye, have a nice day."
- 谢谢光临 祝您今天愉快 – 你也是 谢谢 - Thank you, have a good day. - You too, thank you.
这让我能在她离开的时候看她最后一眼 It allows me to get one last glance a--a--at her as she leaves.
我估摸着怎么也得有D或者双D I think they were probably D or double D.
之后 在中间没有顾客的时候 After, when there was a break in the customers,
我认为我应该去我的雇主那里 I felt the need to go to my employer
向他解释一下我刚才的情况 and explain my situation to him.
呃 我不知道你有没有发现 Um, I don't know if you're aware of this,
但刚才有一位胸部丰满的年轻女人进来 but a little while ago, a young woman came in who had a very big chest
然后 呃 我没有办法不看她 所以我 and, um, I couldn't help but look at her, and I--
搞得我有一点分神 我不知道你是否 I got a little distracted, I don't know if you...
呃 我认为我们不应该老是提到这个事儿 Simon Um, I don't know that this should be something that we keep bringing up, Simon.
我只是好奇为什么你要一直提起它 I'm just concerned why you keep bringing it up.
我不认为这是有必要讨论的事情 I don't think it's necessary to talk about it
只要你做好你的本职工作就行 as long as you can do your job.
- 好的 - 好吗 - Okay. - Okay?
我发誓我不会再让自己分心了 Well, I promise I won't let myself get distracted again.
- 行吧 - 谢谢 - Okay. - Okay.
我认为这次经历让我变得更好了 I think the experience changed me for the better
因为我意识到讨论这种事真的非常尴尬 because it helped me realize that it was pretty embarrassing to talk about that.
所以下回我也许就不会告诉我的老板 So, um, next time I probably won't tell my boss
在工作时因为胸部丰满的女性而分神了 about being distracted at work by women with large breasts.
呃 听着 整体拍得不错 很完整 Uh, uh listen. It's well shot, it's well put together.
周围有胸器你就无法正常工作这个主意是个很有趣的点 Um, the idea that you can't do your job with large breasts floating around is a funny hook.
没错 Yeah.
当然最大的缺点就是 呃 没有接纳它的受众 Uh, the biggest limitation, of course, is that there's nowhere to sell it.
嗯 我认为会有很多人 Well, I think that a lot of people--
并不仅仅是保安 很多男人 Not just security guards, a lot of men--
当他们看到这个的时候 他们可能会觉得自己没那么 When they watch this, they would probably feel a little less...
- 对 - 比起性变态 这更大程度上是一件自然的事 - Right. - like it was a perversion, and more of a natural thing,
- 你懂我意思吧 - 没错 - You know? Yeah. - Right.
- 没错 所以我们是在人性化这件事 - 嗯哼 - Right, so it's humanizing it. - Yeah.
以你们现在的形式 In your current form,
非常抱歉 我恐怕只好拒绝 恕难如意 I'm gonna have to say no, I'm sorry. It's a pass.
- 那到底是如意还是 – 不如意 - And pass means that... - No.
好吧 Right.
没有把节目推销出去让我很懊恼 I was upset that we couldn't sell the show.
但是让Simon空欢喜了一场让我更难过 But I felt even worse that I let down Simon after getting his hopes up.
- 你难过吗 - 有一点点 - Are you sad? - A little bit.
我真的非常希望他会喜欢我们节目 I really was hoping that he liked the show.
但Simon那天展现出了一种在常人身上极少出现的品质 But Simon showed a quality that day that you rarely see in people:
不屈不挠 perseverance.
我认为他可能有点脱离了 呃 He's probably a little bit-- a little bit out of touch
有一点与美国的主流观众脱节了 with the mainstream audience in America, I think.
我认为我们应该保留胸部的部分 I think we should keep the breasts part,
然后 呃 加进我穿着猫王戏服表演的片段 and maybe, uh, maybe also include me in my Elvis costume.
- 你有猫王的戏服吗 - 是啊 - Do you have an Elvis costume? - Yes.
Simon不想放弃我们的节目 Simon didn't want to give up on our show.
即使很明显加入猫王模仿片段只会让情况更糟糕 And even though it was obvious that the Elvis costume would only make things worse,
但他高涨的精神让我明白 his spirit made me realize that
无论面临怎样的生活难题 Simon都会安然无恙 Simon would be fine no matter what life threw at him.
太棒了 That was great.
谢谢 Okay.
我是说 如果你问他在这些孩子中他更想成为谁 I mean, I think if you ask him who he would rather be of these children,
他肯定不会选看起来像婴儿的那个 he certainly is not gonna pick the one who looks like a baby.
或许这是因为圣诞老人刚告诉他 Well, maybe that's because Santa just told him
他会看起来像一个婴儿啊 he's gonna look like a baby though.
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