神烦警探 第四季第二集
一档通过问答考察新婚配偶相互之间了解程度的节目
门铃
七十年代作案的连环杀手大卫·伯克维兹 David Berkowitz
美国说唱歌手 演员
(大概?)指美剧《黑道家族》中的黑帮老大Tony Soprano
用沼泽中捕获的食材做菜的真人秀节目
一个玩偶品牌
史蒂文·席格 美国动作演员 喜欢梳Amy这样的马尾...
- 格雷格 - 拉里 - Greg. - Larry.
什么情况 What's going on?
知道哈斯警长为什么 Any idea why Marshal Haas
要特别召集这次会面吗 called this special meeting?
不清楚 I don't know.
你觉得她看见我们在网上发的 Do you think she saw the video we put on the Internet
用来引诱吉米·菲吉斯的视频了吗 to lure Jimmy Figgis down here?
"卡丁车下惨叫的玉米热狗" "Corn Dog pewwwnd by Go Kart."
是"惨败" 不过那样也很有趣 It's "Pwned," But that was really adorable.
如果是的话 Well, if she has,
那会毁掉我们整个计划的 it would ruin our entire plan.
她来了 Here she comes.
- 先生们 - 你好啊 - Gentlemen. - What's up?
最近怎么样 So how's it going?
很好 非常好 It's good. It's really good.
保持低调 Uh, keeping a low prof.
没有和布鲁克林方面联系 No contact with Brooklyn.
没人怀疑过我们的身份 No one's questioned our identities.
而且绝对没有公开露面 Definitely staying off the Net,
对吧 格雷格 right, Greg?
- 没错 - 就这样吗 - Right. - That's it?
没有别的要对我说的吗 That's all you have to say to me?
是的 我认为我们一切都好 Yep, I think we're good.
就没人要问问我怎么样吗 So nobody's going to ask me how I'm doing?
我没想到这是私人谈话 Oh, I didn't think this was a personal conversation.
的确不是 转过去看你的电影 It's not; turn back around and watch the movie.
这是公事 This is official business.
我只是在测试你们 I was just testing you,
因为格雷格是那种关心自己的朋友 because Greg is the kind of person who cares
还能感觉到他们不对劲的人 about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.
你最近有什么问题吗 哈斯警长 Is something off with you, Marshal Haas?
我不知道 I don't know.
我遇到了一个人 I mean, I met someone, okay,
然后 and, um...
他不是我丈夫 I mean, it's not my husband,
我们之间什么都没发生 但是 I mean, nothing's happened yet, but...
我的身体已经被点燃了 My entire body is on fire.
他是古巴人 He's Cuban.
这还算是公事吗 Is this still official business?
这当然是了 Of course it is.
- 闭嘴看你的电影 - 好的 - Shut up and watch the movie. - Yep.
快问快答 Pop quiz.
如果拉里结婚了 而且一切都很好 If Larry were married and everything was fine,
真的 所有事都很完美 and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.
当然 Sure.
但他发觉 But he knew that one night
与这个人共度一夜良宵就能满足他 with this person could give him everything he needed
下半辈子所有的欲望 for the rest of his life.
- 他会这么做吗 - 大概是吧 - Would he do it? - Yes?
是吗 很好 Yes? Good.
要是拉里碰到的这个人很年轻怎么办 What if this person that Larry met was young?
非常年轻的那种 I mean, really young.
我觉得拉里不会做任何违法的事情 Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.
在我看来 You know, it seems to me
拉里有需求 Larry has needs
那些需求也应当 and deserves to have those needs...
被满足 met.
格雷格 你真是做卧底的好料子 Greg, you're really great at being undercover.
你们都通过了测验 You both passed the test.
马尔科 撤 Marco! Vamanos!
伙计们 伙计们 Guys, guys,
警长给了我关于杰克的好消息 the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
杰克要回来了 杰克要回来了 Jake's back. Jake's back!
我们还没准备好 我们需要橡皮虫糖 Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms.
得赶紧准备 We need them now!
不是的 查尔斯 No, Charles.
杰克还在他所在的地方 Jake is still wherever he is,
不过毕竟已经六个月了 but since it's been six months,
警长准许我给杰克写一页信 the marshal is letting me write a one-page letter to Jake
她会念给他听然后烧了 which she will read to him and then set on fire.
你们有什么想让我写的吗 Is there anything you guys want me to write?
你一定要和杰克说说我儿子 尼古拉耶 You have to tell Jake about my new son, Nikolaj.
他已经四岁了 That he's four years old,
来自拉脱维亚 he's from Latvia,
他称呼我为"同志" he calls me "Comrade,"
而我如此地爱他 and I love him so much.
好的 Will do.
罗莎 你有什么想要告诉杰克的吗 Rosa, anything you want to tell Jake?
有 告诉他我说... Yeah. Tell him I said...
你想让我写你微微点了下头吗 You want me to write that you nodded slightly?
他会明白的 He'll know what it means.
我想让你告诉杰克 I would like you to tell Jacob
我很想念他 希望他安全 that I'm thinking about him and hoping that he's safe.
怎么了 认识下全新的吉娜 What? Meet the new Gina,
总是以他人为优先 who always puts others before herself.
你能整张信都写我多么无私吗 Can you make the whole letter about me doing that?
好吧 我就跟他说一切如常好了 Yeah, I'll just tell him that everything's exactly the same.
伙计们 五分钟后简报室集合 Guys, briefing room, five minutes.
有新警监要来了 We're getting a new captain.
又一个 Again!
你好 拉里 Hello, Larry.
我是你的邻居 格雷格 It's your neighbor, Greg.
我能试试你的热水浴缸吗 Can I try your hot tub out?
我在考虑买上一个 I'm thinking of getting one.
当然 在三十七摄氏度的天气里 Of course, that's a totally normal thing to do
做这事再正常不过啦 in 100 degree weather.
进来试试这浴缸吧 Come on in and hop in the tub.
谢谢你 Thank you.
我们得小心有人偷听 We need to talk without being overheard.
打开喷水口 Turn on the bubbles.
没问题 You got it.
"屠夫"吉米·菲吉斯看到了我们的视频 Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis saw our video.
你怎么知道的 How do you know?
有个新泽西口音浓重的男人 A man with a thick New Jersey accent
打电话给游乐园 called the Fun Zone,
想要见"玉米热狗视频"里的家伙 asking to meet the guys from "The corn dog video."
菲吉斯要来杀我们了 Figgis is coming to kill us.
我们应该向九九局请求支援 We should call the Nine-Nine for backup.
绝对不行 Oh, absolutely not.
那会惊动警长的 That might alert the marshals.
我们能自行解决菲吉斯和他的手下 We can take Figgis and his men down on our own.
没错 Right.
好的 Okay.
让我们全副武装起来 Let's go arm up.
菲吉斯绝对想不到自己要完蛋了 Figgis has no idea what's about to hit him.
另外 虽然可能不需要明说 Also it probably goes without saying,
不过在这里面尿尿也没关系 but it's chill to whiz in this thing.
反正我尿了 你也可以试试 I mean, I have been. You can if you want.
要是你没有的话我也没有 I haven't been if you haven't.
你有试过吗 我没有 Have you? I haven't.
你有吗 Have you?
我们不能就这么随意走进去 We can't just waltz in there
买我们想要的东西 and buy whatever we want.
他们会对格雷格·斯蒂克尼和拉里·谢伯特 They'll do a federal background check
做背景调查的 on Greg Stickney and Larry Sherbert,
这一定会惊动警长 and that will set off alarms in the marshal's office.
不 我们得贿赂枪店店主 No, we'll have to bribe the gun store owner
免得他查我们的背景 so he doesn't run our names.
可我们没钱 But we don't have any money.
老天啊 Oh, my God.
我就是那个贿赂品 对吧 I'm the bribe, aren't I?
你才不是贿赂品 You're not the bribe.
为什么 我的肉体有什么问题吗 Why, what's wrong with my body?
事实上我向我的竞走伙伴露丝 Actually I borrowed $3,000
借了三千美金 from my walking group friend Ruth.
露丝 我要向你坦白一件事 Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you.
我不小心搞大了一个女人的肚子 I accidentally knocked up a woman.
- 格雷格 - 你了解我的 - Greg! - You know me.
一看到那丰满傲人的双峰 I see a pair of thick weighty breasts
所有的理智就都甩到窗外了 and all logic flies out the window.
异性恋的你真是太野蛮了 Heterosexual you is such a dog.
需要帮忙吗 Can I help you?
谢了 不用 我就随便看看 Ah, no thanks, just browsing.
不过嘛 Although, you know what,
既然来都来了 干脆就顺便买... since I'm here, why don't I grab, like,
八支手枪 几把散弹枪 还有嘛... eight handguns, couple of shotguns, and, I don't know,
再来三支手枪 three more handguns.
请出示下证件 Can I see some ID?
好的 当然 没问题 Yes, of course, of course.
你看到没 Oh. Would you look at that?
我忘带证件了 I forgot my license,
不过刚巧我身上有一大捆... but I do happen to have this big old wad...
没问题 No problem.
我不需要你的证件 I don't need your ID.
联邦数据库反正也崩溃了 Federal database is down anyway.
你懂的 Wink wink.
子弹要什么样的 So how do you like your ammo?
盒装的还是桶装的 By the box or by the bucket?
太棒了 棒棒哒 Cool, cool, cool, cool.
美国药丸 Our country is broken.
- 啥 - 桶装的 - What? - Bucket!
来个最大桶的子弹 I'll just take your biggest bucket of bullets.
好了 各位 Okay, everyone.
咱们来了一位新任指挥官 We've been assigned a new commander.
请大家热烈欢迎 Please give him a warm welcome.
大家好 Hey, guys.
我是斯坦利警监 I'm Captain Stentley.
呸 这个听起来太正式了 Ah, yuck, that sounds so formal.
杰森警监呢 Captain Jason?
不行 No.
叫我C.J.吧 Call me C.J.
好了 我要说的就这么多 Okay, so that's all I got,
除非你们还有啥问题 unless you guys have any questions.
有 你穿的是运动裤吗 Yeah, you wearing sweat pants?
没有 对 No. Oh, yes.
对 是运动裤 Yes, I am.
我今早喝热可可 I, um, had some hot cocoa this morning,
结果全洒在了身上 and I totally biffed it.
我喜欢这家伙 I like this guy.
冒昧问一下 Uh, if I may ask,
你是怎么当上警监的 how did you become captain?
你似乎有点... You just seem a little, uh...
- 不合格吗 - 不 - Unqualified? - No.
不不不 No, no, no, no.
其实就是因为我不合格 It's because I am, actually.
当时情况是这样的 Here's how it happened.
我本来是要见我的皮肤科医生 I had an appointment at my dermatologist
他在第七大道402号 at 402 7th Avenue.
但我搞错了 走到了第七大道204号 But I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake.
数字真是太恼人了 对吧 It's like numbers are so crazy, am I right?
- 阿门 - 并不 - Amen. - Not really.
总之 Anyway,
那里正好在进行一次大型缉毒突击行动 there was this big drug bust going down.
我的出现吓到了犯罪头目 I showed up, spooked the kingpin.
他想夺门而逃 结果绊倒了 He darts for the front door, trips,
还不小心射中了自己的腹部 shoots himself in the stomach accidentally,
然后基本上其他人很快就投降了 and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly
大约一周后他们就让我当上了警监 and they made me a captain about a week later.
你不用通过考试吗 Didn't you have to pass the exams?
没有面试什么的吗 Like, wasn't there, like, an interview
就是他们要跟你面谈 然后... where they met you and...
看看你的表现 heard you speak?
大概有吧 Presumably.
听着 我就直说了 Look, I'm going to be honest.
偷偷告诉你们 Between you and me,
我其实不太清楚自己在干什么 I don't fully know what I'm doing,
不过看来你们知道自己在干什么 but it seems like you guys do,
所以我就不挡大家的道 so I'm just gonna stay out of the way
只管提供一切你们所需 就行了 and give you guys whatever you need.
杰警监是吗 你好 我是吉娜·林奈特 Ceej? Hi, Gina Linetti here.
我需要一个自己的助理 What I need is an assistant of my own,
做我的文案工作和所有其它工作 just to do my paperwork and all my other work.
工作最讨厌了 我懂 Work is the worst. I get it.
你随便招人吧 Uh. Hire whoever you want.
我只希望大家开心 I just want you guys to be happy.
- 我会帮你让大家开心的 - 太好了 - And I will help you with that. - Great!
我们应该每天早上都来这么侃侃大山 Hey, we should do a hang sesh like this every morning.
太愉快了 我的... This is amazing. Where do ya...
我办公室在哪 where's my office?
我喜欢他 I love him.
他是我们有史以来最棒的警监 He's the best captain we've ever had,
毋庸置疑 hands down.
我不知道你为什么这么激动 I don't know what you're so excited about.
我们现在面临的是十分危险的任务 We have dangerous task ahead of us.
等等 你不是说我们不需要后援么 Wait, I thought you said we didn't need backup.
你是不是担心了 要通知九九分局吗 Are you worried? Do we need to call the Nine-Nine?
不不不 No, no, no, no.
对付菲吉斯 我们已经占了先机 We have the drop on Figgis,
我们已经全副武装 we're fully armed up,
而且我们有大把时间设陷阱 and we have plenty of time to lay a trap.
那好吧 Well, okay, then.
回头见 珊瑚棕榈公寓 See you around, Coral Palms.
再见了 我屁股沟里经久不去的汗液 Adios, constant pool of sweat in my taint!
你来一个 格雷格 You do one, Greg.
好的 All right.
永别了 See you never,
得来速烟油站 drive-through vape station.
再见了 奇怪的小丑营 Adios, weird Juggalo encampment!
再会 稍微有点歪歪的停车标志牌 Bye-bye, slightly askew stop sign.
不是吧 是因为我们冲过了停车标志牌吗 Oh, come on, for running a stop sign?
刚才路上还有个司机 We just passed someone driving
两只脚都伸出窗外了呢 with both feet out the window.
冷静 拉里 Just be cool, Larry.
先生们 Gentlemen.
请出示你们的证件和行驶证 I am going to need to see your license and registration.
行 Yeah.
稍等 Whoa, hold on.
后面是什么东西 What do we got going on back there?
昨天的报纸 Oh, uh, yesterday's newspaper.
不 我说的是那堆枪支 No, I'm talking about the pile of guns
还有那桶子弹 and the bucket of bullets.
- 对对对 - 对对对 - Right, right, right. - Right, right, yeah.
一桶子弹 没错 Bucket of bullets, sure, sure.
我得请你们两位下车了 I need you both to step out of the vehicle.
要是你不请才奇怪呢 Yep, it'd be weird if you didn't.
这是有点奇怪哈 This is a little bit weird.
从来没被逮捕过 Never been arrested before.
我被"拘留"过一次 I mean, I was "Detained" once
拜泰勒·斯威夫特的保镖所赐 by Taylor Swift's security team,
但那是一场误会 but that was a misunderstanding.
没准她会给我写首歌呢 She's probably going to write a song about me.
我们必须从这里脱身 We got to get out of here.
菲吉斯随时可能出现 Figgis could show up at any minute.
别担心 Don't worry.
我们肯定能智取一个小镇的警长 We can outsmart some small-town sheriff.
我们可是纽约警察局的警探 We're NYPD detectives.
我们纽约警察抓住过杀人魔萨姆之子 We caught the Son of Sam.
艾斯提在电视上扮演过我们 Ice-T plays us on TV.
托尼也是我们罩着的 We keep the Tony's safe.
两位好 Hey, fellas.
很抱歉耽搁了 Listen, I am sorry about the delay.
我们这今天可忙坏了 We are overwhelmed here today.
我们聘用了第一个女警 We hired our first woman,
所以当然了 她需要自己的浴室 so of course she needs her own bathroom
然后衬衫也不合身... and the shirt don't fit right...
都够麻烦的 both things chaos.
这不是问题 警长 It's not a problem, Sheriff.
你什么也不用担心 You have nothing to worry about.
我想大家都同意C.J.这个人 I think we all agree that C.J.
说得婉转些 is, to put it mildly,
不咋的 not very impressive.
我看到他在办公室里 I watched him try to close the blinds
花了四十分钟都没关好百叶窗 in his office for 40 minutes.
最后他干脆放弃了 就这么 He finally just gave up and changed his pants
开着窗户换了裤子 with the windows wide open.
必须有人做些什么 Something has to be done,
我已经有了个计划 and I have a plan.
我们要用人类史上最伟大的武器 We use mankind's greatest weapon.
- 手榴弹 - 文字 - A grenade. - The written word.
我退出 Ugh, I'm out.
我起草了一封 I drafted a letter
写给总部的信 to One Police Plaza saying
就说我们认为斯坦利警监 that we think Captain Stentley
不是领导本局的合适人选 is not a good fit for our precinct.
如果大家都签名 他们一定会有动作的 If we all sign it, they'll have to act.
大家好 我是艾米莉 吉娜的助理 Hey, guys, I'm Emily, Gina's assistant.
等等 她真的有助理了吗 Wait, she actually got that?
"等等 她真的有助理了吗" "Wait, she actually got that?"
抱歉 吉娜要求我必须 Sorry, I'm under strict orders from Gina
抓住一切机会嘲讽你 to mock you whenever I see an opening.
请跟我来吧 Follow me, please.
我带人来开两点的会了 Your 2:00 is here.
好的 谢谢 小艾 Okay, thanks, Em,
我在开会的时候 and while I'm in this meeting,
你帮我粉碎一些文件吧 will you just shred some documents for me?
随便什么都行 这里都是废纸 Anything you see. It's all garbage.
遵命 On it.
你在搞什么 我们很忙的 What's going on? We were busy.
忙着用你们那封愚蠢的信 Busy trying to ruin everything around here
来毁掉一切吗 with your dumb letter?
这可是绝佳的机会啊 同志们 This is a gravy train, people.
C.J.会答应我们的任何请求 Okay, C.J. Will say yes to anything we ask for.
罗莎 大胆想象一下 你想要什么 Rosa, dare to dream. What do you want?
让他滚蛋 For him to be gone.
难道你不想在桌子周围竖几面墙 You want that more than you want walls around your desk
来挡住希区柯克那双死鱼眼 so Hitchcock can't stare at you
窥视你的目光吗 with his big old Google eyes anymore?
C.J.留下 我爱他 C.J. Stays. I love that guy.
- 太棒了 - 什么 - Yes! - What?
- 这不公平 - 拜托 - That's not fair! - Come on.
你呢 查尔斯 And how about you, Charles?
你想要什么 小家伙 What do you want, baby boy?
我同意艾米 Well, I agree with Amy
C.J.完全无法胜任 that C.J. Is totally unqualified
而且会给警局带来巨大的灾难 and a disaster for the precinct,
但我也很想要个带跑步机的办公桌 and I would really love a treadmill desk
好帮我提升心肺功能 so I can hit my cardio targets.
- 准了 - 棒 - Done. - Yes!
- 伯耶尔 - 抱歉 - Boyle. - I'm sorry.
我这是为了尼古拉耶 I'm doing it for Nikolaj.
等你怀了杰克的孩子就能理解了 You'll understand once you bear unto Jake a child.
看来只剩你自己喽 Looks like you're all alone.
小艾 麻烦你送她出去吧 Em, can you go ahead and show her out?
这边请 Right this way, please,
需要帮您办理免费停车吗 and can I validate your parking?
我在这里工作 I work here.
是这样 你们不介意 So, listen, do you mind
我问几个问题吧 if I ask you a few questions?
不会耽误太多时间的 It shouldn't take much time.
那就好 因为我们还要去某个 Great, because we actually have someplace
很重要的地方 important to be,
所以如果能快一点的话 so if it would speed things up,
我们愿意放弃请律师的权利 we're happy to waive our right to counsel.
哇 律师 Wow, counsel,
这可了不得 the "C" Word.
等等 等等 Wait, wait, wait.
你们是在执法部门工作吗 You guys in law enforcement?
不不不 No, no, no.
是我一个哥们 I just have a buddy
他是纽约警局的警探 who's a detective in the NYPD.
哇 那他的审讯技巧 Whoo, I bet he's better than me
肯定比我更胜一筹了 at getting people to talk.
我的审讯技巧都是从 Everything I know about interrogation
"新婚问答秀"里学来的 I learned from "The Newlywed Game."
不如你们就把 So, look, why don't you each
问题的答案写在纸上吧 write down your answer to these questions.
好了 第一个问题 Okay, question one,
你们要拿那些枪做什么 what were you going to use the guns for?
写好之后就读出来 Okay, and then read 'em out when you're done.
打猎 Hunting.
好的 我就知道你们没问题 Okay, see, I knew you boys were on the level.
第二个问题 Okay, question two:
你们要打什么 What do you hunt?
- 鹿 - 松鸡 及其他小型禽类 - Deer. - Grouse and other small fowl.
对 我们什么都打 Yep, we hunt everything.
鹿啊 松鸡啊 You know, deer, grouse,
还打到过马呢 a horse once.
没错 什么猎物我们都喜欢 Yes, we love killing any animal.
厉害 I hear ya.
第三个问题 Okay, question three:
你说你们要去某个重要的地方 You said you had somewhere important to go,
那究竟是哪里呢 so where exactly is that?
- 跟人约了晚餐 - 晚餐 - Dinner date. - Dinner date.
我写的也是这个 That's what mine says as well.
抱歉字太烂 Sorry about the handwriting.
重点是 我们都没撒谎 The point is, neither of us are lying.
我们走的时候顺便拿回钥匙就行 Should we just pick up our keys on the way out,
还是你有别的想法 or how do you want to do this?
谁都别想逃过"新婚问答秀"的法眼 No one has ever beaten "The Newlywed Game."
谁都别想 No one.
喂 迪亚兹 Hey, Diaz.
对了 有墙 Right. The walls.
什么事 Can I help you?
我需要上个月的犯罪数据 I need the crime stats from last month.
好 等一下 Fine. One sec.
某些人真是 Some people, huh?
嘿 我快走到两万步了 Hey, I'm up to 20,000 steps.
搞什么 伯耶尔 Seriously, Boyle?
你不在乎我的健康吗 Oh, you don't care about my health?
你不在乎尼古拉耶能否在父爱庇护下成长吗 You don't care about if Nikolaj grows up without a papa?
难道你想让我死吗 You want me to die?
说实话吗 有一点想 Honestly? A little.
好桑心 Hurts.
真不敢相信他们都被C.J.和吉娜 I can't believe they all let C.J. And Gina
买通了 just buy them off.
但我们不需要他们 But we don't need them,
因为还有你 'cause we've got you,
你可是警长 and you're a sergeant.
你在信上签名了吗 Did you sign the letter yet?
呃 我... Um... I...
他给你什么好处了 What did he give you?
他给了我继续为社会服务的机会 He gave me the ability to continue to serve this community
还能避免不必要的监管 unencumbered by a necessary oversight.
我现在要... Now, I really have to...
他给你什么了 What did he give you?
他给了我酸奶专用冰箱 行了吧 He gave me a yogurt fridge, all right?
我想要个酸奶冰箱 他就给我了 I asked for a yogurt fridge, and I got one,
就放在我的桌子旁边 right next to my desk!
我也是人啊 I'm only a man.
我一定要寄出这封信 I'm sending this letter
不管你签没签名 with or without your signature.
吃你的酸奶吧 Enjoy your blood yogurt.
好的 I will.
要没时间了 Time is running out.
我们有权要求打电话 We have the right to a phone call.
我们得通知九九局 We need to call the Nine-Nine
好让他们跟警长这边交涉 so they can sort this out with the sheriff.
不行 不能把他们卷进来 No, they would want to get involved
这会给他们带来危险 and that could endanger them.
他们不会介意的 They'd be okay with that.
查尔斯和艾米都很爱我 Charles and Amy both love me.
罗莎天不怕地不怕 Rosa's not scared of anything.
而泰瑞把我当成人生导师 I'm like a mentor to Terry.
先不说那些 我们没有这么多时间 No, regardless, we don't have time for that.
还是说实话好了 We just have to tell the truth.
警长 我有话要说 Sheriff, I'm ready to talk.
最好给我好好交代 This better be good.
我很忙 I'm a busy man.
你刚刚还花了三十分钟 You just spent 30 minutes
参加广播竞答 trying to win a radio contest.
那是为了我的妻子 For my wife.
他们的奖品是《沼泽盛宴》的票 They're giving away Swampsgiving tickets.
我其实不叫格雷格 I'm not really Greg,
他也不叫拉里 and that's not Larry.
我们是纽约警察局的 We're Captain Raymond Holt
雷蒙德·霍尔特警监和杰克·佩拉尔塔警探 and Detective Jake Peralta of the NYPD.
我们一直被"屠夫"吉米·菲吉斯所追杀 We've been targeted by Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis,
那个黑手党老大 the mafia boss.
我们参与了证人保护计划 We're in witness protection,
这就是所有的真相 and that is the full truth.
说得好 这故事真不错 Good one. That's a good one.
你联系办我们这个案子的联邦法警 Just call the U.S. Marshal who handles our case.
她会解释一切的 She'll explain everything.
女警察 拜托 She? Oh, come on.
这下真是越说越离谱了 This is getting crazier by the second.
但说真的 我有点好奇你们要怎么演下去 But I'll tell you, I kind of want to see how it plays out.
没错 Uh-huh. Right.
好的 我会的 Okay, will do.
是个男的 Well, it's a guy,
他说他从来没听说过你们俩 and he says he's never heard of either one of you.
- 不可能 - 你自己问 - That's impossible. - Listen for yourself.
- 你好 - 我是菲吉斯 - Hello. - It's Figgis.
法警在我手上 我马上就来找你们 I have your marshal, and I'm coming for you.
回头见 杰克 See you soon, Jake.
等等 Wait.
好消息 Great news.
我找到菲吉斯了 I found Figgis.
这下糟了 This is bad.
菲吉斯抓了法警 Figgis has the marshal,
现在他又知道了我们的位置 and now he knows where we are.
我们简直是砧板上的鸭子 We're sitting ducks.
这是最惨的鸭子了 That's the worst kind of duck.
去和荷兰的勾嘴鸭比惨吧 Tell that to the Dutch Hookbill.
现在时间紧迫 Look, the clock is ticking.
我们只有一个选择了 We only have one option.
越狱 Jailbreak.
那你准备如何实行 And how do you propose to pull that off?
利用我们这群衣衫不整的狱友们 By using this rag-tag team of inmates.
我们的"自杀小队" Our very Suicide Squad.
好了 让我们整顿下军队 All right, let's rally the troops.
嗨 亲爱的狱友们 Hey, fellow prisoners.
你们好 Hi, there.
大家听着 Everyone, look,
我们还没来得及 we haven't connected as much
好好培养一下感情 as maybe we should have.
那是我们的错 That's our fault.
不如我们现在开始吧 Why don't I just kick things off.
我是杰克 I'm Jake,
我喜欢棒球 and I like baseball.
现在你介绍下自己 Now you say something about yourself.
我是雷蒙德 我不喜欢棒球 I'm Raymond. I don't care for baseball.
好极了 现在我们的气氛达到了顶点 Great, so now that we're all vibing at 100,
快速问答 quick question:
如果我们要越狱之类的 If there were to a be a jailbreak "of sorts,"
你们有人感兴趣吗 how many of you guys would be interested in that?
当然如果你们出于良知表示反对的话... Obviously if you have any moral objection...
好吧 你们都举手了 okay, your hands are already all up,
那大家就一起上吧 太棒了 so I say we hop on this pony. Great.
你们中有人有特别技能吗 Now, do any of you have any special skills?
例如会撬锁 Maybe the ability to pick a lock?
我叫米奇 Uh, I'm Mitch.
- 我有玻璃义眼 - 玻璃义眼 - I have a glass eye. - Glass eye?
我们肯定有机会用上它的 We'll definitely find some use for that.
- 那你呢 先生 - 我叫伊万 - How about you, sir? - I'm Evan.
我因为好几项罪名被捕 I've been arrested for a lot of different stuff:
公共场合小便 public urination,
在私有土地上小便 urinating on private property,
在学校旁边小便 urinating 25 feet from a school,
在行驶中的卡车上向外小便 urinating out of a moving truck.
我觉得伊万还没明白我们要干什么 I don't think Evan gets what we're doing here.
是吗 Oh, doesn't he?
他来这已经好几周了 He's been here for weeks.
他知道警卫们的交班时间 He knows the guard's comings and goings.
伊万 谢谢你的分享 Thank you for sharing, Evan.
我们非常需要你 You are valued here.
到你了 老前辈 Your turn, old-timer.
总有个像这样的人 It's always guys like this
是整个行动的关键 that unlock the entire operation.
你有什么拿得出手的技能 What do you bring to the table?
我是提托 I'm Tito.
我抽冰毒很在行 I'm great at smoking meth.
- 还有呢 - 吸冰毒也很厉害 - And? - Snorting meth.
还有吗 And?
我有好几年没和我女儿 I haven't spoken to my daughter
联系过了 in a couple of years.
太令人难过了 Oh, that's so sad.
好吧 那就给提托找点事做 Okay, so find something for Tito to do.
总部给我回信了 So I heard from One Police Plaza.
他们收到了我的信 They received my letter,
但显然他们还收到了上百封 and apparently they also received hundreds of others
支持C.J.的信 in support of C.J.
没错 艾米莉和我寄的 Yeah, Emily and I sent those in, so...
艾米莉 我上次让你帮我记下来 Emily, what was that burn I had you write down for Amy
嘲讽艾米的段子呢 because I didn't want to forget it?
"为什么这么伤心 "Why so sad?
你难道才发现'美国娃娃' "Did you just find out American Girl
不做成人尺寸的衣服吗" doesn't make clothes in adult sizes?"
不是 No.
"史蒂文·西格尔来电 "Steven Seagal called
想要回他的辫子" and he wants his ponytail back"?
不对 Huh-uh.
吉娜说 "嗨 艾米 Gina, colon, "Hey, Amy,
一个图形计算器会对 "What did one graphing calculator
另一个图形计算器说什么" "Say to the other one?
艾米 冒号 "什么" Amy, colon, "What?"
吉娜 冒号 "为什么这位可怜的女士要买两个计算器" Gina, colon, "Why does this sad lady own two of us?"
就是这个 That's it?
- 嗨 艾米 - 你知道吗 - Hey, Amy... - You know what?
恭喜 Congratulations.
你让那个可怕的警监 You just made sure that a terrible captain
无限期地留在这里了 will be sticking around here indefinitely.
拜托 桑提亚戈 Come on, Santiago.
我们只是随遇而安 We're just trying to make the best of it.
- 来点酸奶 - 不要 - Yogurt? - Never!
棒 四万步 Yes! 40,000 steps!
- 伯耶尔 - 我没法说话 - Boyle! - I can't talk.
我要保持我的心率 I got to keep my heart rate up.
嘿 你们几个能不能小声点 Hey, can you guys keep it down?
我要再加个屋顶 Need a roof on this thing.
吉娜 我需要一个屋顶 Gina, I need a roof.
- 艾米莉 - 马上办 - Emily. - On it.
听着 你们这些自私的混蛋 Listen, you selfish jerks,
里面那个正在玩邦高鼓的人 that guy in there, the one playing the bongos right now,
他觉得我们很厉害 he thinks we're killing it,
所以他不干涉我们 so he's just staying out of our way.
而我们厉害的唯一原因 Well, the only reason we're killing it
就是霍尔特警监从不会 is because Captain Holt never let us
让我们自满 be satisfied with ourselves.
他总是鼓励我们更努力 更聪明 He always inspired us to work harder and smarter,
做更好的自己 to be better.
如果他现在在这 And if he were here right now,
他一定会为我们感到羞愧 he'd be ashamed of us.
艾米 等等 Amy, wait!
你能保证这个人要去见他的情妇了吗 You swear this guy's about to meet up with his mistress?
当然 星期二下午五点 Yep. Tuesday at 5:00.
坦雅的专属时间 It's Tanya time.
好 他走了 Well, there he goes.
好吧 现在我们要搞定另一个警官 Okay, now we got to get rid of the other deputy.
玻璃眼 到你了 Glass eye, you're up.
比我想像中的要干多了 Oh, so much drier than I would have thought.
原来我希望它是湿的 Did I want it to be wet?
- 杰克 - 对 抱歉 - Jake! - Right! Sorry.
我手里正拿着一个眼球 Just holding an eyeball in my hand.
没什么大不了的 来了 No big deal. Here we go.
搞什么鬼 What the hell?
一定是太烫了 Must have gotten too hot.
警长 我去拿一下拖把 Sheriff, I'm going to go get a mop.
好的 Okay.
太棒了 And... great.
现在 我们假装打一架 Now we stage a fight;
等警长进来阻止我们时 when the sheriff comes in to break it up,
就把他拿下 we take him down.
打 打 打 Fight! Fight! Fight!
有人在监狱里打架啦 We got us a jail fight.
他怎么还不进来 Why isn't he coming in?
不知道 也许他还在怀疑是真是假吧 I don't know, maybe he's not buying it.
下手再重点 Hit me harder.
我的天 好拳法 Damn, you knocked him.
怎么样他才会进来劝架 What would it take for him to intervene?
我要杀了你吗 Do I actually have to kill you?
不 他可能喜欢看打架 No, he'd probably love that.
但你知道他讨厌什么吗 But you know what he would hate?
跟着我的戏路来 好吗 Okay, just go with me on this, all right?
我不生你的气了 I can't stay mad at you.
不 不 Ooh! No! No!
- 有用了吗 - 好像有 - Is it working? - I think so.
别在我的监狱亲 不不 Not in my jail. No, no.
给我分开 Break it up!
住手 你们在干嘛 Stop it! What are you doing?
都2016年了 伙计 It's 2016, man.
这就是你不对了 This is on you.
等等 Hey, wait a minute.
你没分配给我任务啊 You didn't give me anything to do.
你有最重要的一项任务 You have the most important job of all.
告诉所有人今天发生的一切 Tell everyone what you saw here today.
祝你好运 Oh, God bless you.
你给了老毒鬼 You're giving an old meth head
一个活下去的理由 a reason to live forever and...
我们没空听你逼逼了 提托 We don't have time for this, Tito!
嘿 桑提亚戈 Hey, Santiago,
过来一下 come with me a sec.
为什么 Why?
好让你向我炫耀 So you can show off
C.J.给你的新鲜玩意吗 some new cool thing that C.J. got you?
让我猜猜 金色的吊带裤 Let me guess, golden suspenders?
想象一下 我穿起来绝对特别好看 Can you imagine? I would look amazing.
但我不是要说那些 But that's not what I came here for.
跟我来警监办公室就好了 Just follow me to the captain's office.
嘿 伙计们 Hey, guys.
如果吃豆人是个订书机 If Pac-Man were a stapler,
他看起来就会像这样 he'd look like a little something like this.
我们想和你谈谈 斯坦利警监 Okay, so we wanted to talk to you, Captain Stentley...
斯坦利警监 Uh-oh. Captain Stentley.
- 我有麻烦了吗 - 不 - Am I in trouble? - No.
你是我们的上司 You're our boss.
噢 对 Oh, right.
你们有麻烦了吗 Are you in trouble?
不 长官 No, sir.
只是大家觉得 It's just that the squad feels
我们一直在占你便宜 we've been taking advantage of you,
不能再这样了 and it has to stop.
所以 So...
我把酸奶冰箱还回去了 I returned my yogurt fridge.
我也还了办公跑步机 I gave my treadmill desk back.
我把办公桌的围墙拆了 I took down my desk walls.
我也同意辞退 And I have agreed to fire
我的助理 的助理黛娜 my assistant's assistant Dana.
黛娜 黛娜是谁 Dana? Who's Dana?
艾米莉工作很忙的 Emily had a lot on her plate.
我不太明白 I don't understand.
我只是想让大家开心 I mean, I'm just trying to make you guys happy.
如果你真想讨我们开心 Well, if you want to do that,
就做出个警监的样子 start acting like a real captain.
要做出一些困难的决定 Make tough choices.
学会拒绝别人 Tell people no sometimes.
好吧 如果你们觉得我不该 Okay, if you think I need to stop doing
再这样惯着大家 whatever you guys want,
那没问题 then I will.
很好 进步了 Yeah, that's progress.
如大家所愿吧 If that's what you guys want.
- 我走了 - 聊得很开心 - I gotta go. - Good talk.
我的门随时为你们敞开 My door's always open,
除非门关上了 except when it's closed.
但关门了你们也可以开 But you can open it when it's closed.
真不敢相信 我们因为莫须有的罪名 I can't believe we're fugitives on the lam,
成了潜逃的罪犯 falsely accused of a crime.
这不算莫须有 There's nothing false about it.
我们的确犯下了几项重罪 而且还越狱了 We committed several felonies and escaped from jail.
没错 但我们也是迫不得已 Yeah, but we were just doing what we had to do.
我们是好人 We're the good guys.
他们也是这么想的 This is what they all think.
菲吉斯已经来了 Figgis is in town,
我们现在没车 没钱 没枪 and we have no car, no money, no guns;
还不能回家 we can't go back to our houses
因为警察在抓我们 because the police are looking for us.
是时候联系九九局了 It's time to call the Nine-Nine.
不行 Absolutely not.
你到底怎么了 What is going on with you?
没怎么 只是觉得我们自己能搞定 Nothing, I just think that we can do it alone.
长官 我们刚刚才亲了我人生中堪称最长的一吻 Sir, we just shared one of the longest kisses of my life.
应该能对彼此坦诚了吧 I think we can be honest with each other.
好吧 All right.
九九局已经救过我一次了 The Nine-Nine bailed me out once before
当时我被自己无比信任的鲍勃 when I was taken hostage by Bob,
挟持为人质 a man I had put my trust in,
实在是太傻了 like a fool.
我不想让他们再救我一次了 I don't want them to rescue me again.
太尴尬了 It's embarrassing.
我得自己收拾烂摊子 I need to clean up my own mess.
警长 我们是一家人 Captain, it's the Nine-Nine.
向关心你的人寻求帮助 There's nothing wrong with asking for help
没什么不妥的 from people that care about you.
我是泰瑞·杰佛德警长 This is Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
霍尔特警监 Captain Holt!
长官 斯坦利警监 Sir. Captain Stentley.
现在有紧急情况 There's an urgent situation,
我们需要请三天假去佛罗里达 and we need 72 hours off to go to Florida.
我不能说原因... Now, I can't say why...
绝对不行 Absolutely not.
什么 What?
八六局说他们会帮我们处理工作 The Eight-Six said they would cover for us,
而且这是很重要的事 and this very important!
够了 That's enough.
有人曾告诉过我 Someone once told me
做一名警监就意味着 that being a captain means
敢于对别人说不 telling people no.
等等 是你们说的 你们告诉我的 Oh, wait. That was you guys. You guys told me that.
总之 你们说的对 不能走 Anyway, you're right. You can't go.
对不起 伙计们 Sorry, guys.
感觉都是我的错 I kinda feel like this is my fault.
闭嘴 艾米莉 Not now, Emily.