I been talkin' at you for six hours
and I could probably stand here and talk at you for another six,
but I'm lookin' at you, and I can see
you're lean, mean and hungry to make that sale.
-Now what are you gonna do? -Sell!
-What are you gonna sell? -Twinview!
Catriona, you're having a cup of tea. The contract's on the table.
The buyer says, "I have to ask my husband."
-What are you gonna do? -Sell!
MacAteer, you've having a couple of beers.
The brochure's on the bar.
The buyer says, "I'll have to ask my bank manager."
-What are you gonna do? -Sell!
Webster, you're standing at the door.
The buyer shakes her head. She's not interested.
-What are you gonna do? -Sell!
Lavery, the buyer calls the cops.
He's having you arrested. They've got you in a car.
-What are you gonna do? -Sell!
Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell,
sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell...
McKenna, where do you think you're going?
The seminar's not finished yet.
Um, I've got an appointment with a potential customer.
He hasn't got an appointment with a potential customer.
-He's got an appointment with a buyer! -Yeah!
Ah, yeah. Buyer.
Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell...
(MONEY (THAT'S WHAT I WANT) PLAYING)
You must eat! I make sandwich.
Thanks.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
That was Money (That's What I Want).
EDDIE: Cannae hear you, Campbell.
-From way back in 1959. -Still cannae hear you.
And this is Campbell Bain, the bane of your life.
-Campbell. -Eddie, I'm a mentally ill person.
If I shout any louder, I'll be restrained and sedated.
The fader, Campbell.
-Oh, I knew that. -Okay, Campbell. We'll try it again.
JINGLE SINGERS: Hospital radio, St Jude's.
You'll blow the monitors if you push them like that.
Fergus! I nearly got it right that time. What are...
Well, well, the poacher's turned gamekeeper, eh?
-Where did you get the coat? -From, uh, Dr Brady.
You look dead handsome with that, so you do.
-Get what you needed? -Almost. That only cost 50p.
I'll strip it for the power transistors.
Are you sure you trust him on that desk?
Fergus. This desk and I are on intimate terms.
This desk and I are practically engaged.
We're doing our first show together tomorrow night.
-Hey, not tomorrow, Campbell. -But I'm standing at the threshold
of one of the most important moments of my life here.
Give me an audience.
Give me punters and I will deliver, Eddie.
Well, I hadn't expected such a crowd.
Doctor. Which one of you is Eddie McKenna?
Um, I am.
I'm Mrs MacDonald, assistant administrator.
-Mrs MacDonald. -Call me Evelyn.
Just thought I'd pop my head in and say hello,
ask if you need anything.
-Aye, we do. -I'm sorry?
We need some shielded three-core flex. This stuff is useless.
The doctors' bleeps are coming through on the air.
-Well, that should be possible. -And some paint.
This place needs redecorating, so it does.
Hang on. Just let me make a list.
But the main thing is the mixing desk.
We've got a lot of crackle coming through on these faders
and these two here have had it, really.
We could do with a couple of new ones if you can still get them,
but what we really need is a new desk.
A six-into-two would even do us.
My goodness, are you a doctor or an engineer?
I'm a patient.
We're all patients, except him who isn't but should be.
Don't worry, we're heavily tranquillised and pose no danger to the public.
No. That's marvellous,
involving the patients.
I'll see what I can do about this list.
There's an endowment trust we can approach,
but the hospital board will want to see some figures, I'm afraid.
-What kind of figures? -Just a budget proposal, really.
Current running costs, projected capital outlay, that sort of thing.
If you've got your books up to date and you've got some written estimates
of the equipment you propose to purchase, you can...
JINGLE: Hospital radio, St Jude's.
(FEEDBACK)
That was dedicated to the boring board of St Jude's hospital,
that bloated bilious body of befuddled brains we'd like to befriend.
-Just give us your dosh, boys. -Campbell!
Well, pretty impressive.
Anyway, Eddie, I'll pop in again in a few days
when you have a chance to get some figures together.
And thanks for the wee demonstration, as it were.
Oh, well done, Campbell.
I told you I could do it if I had an audience.
Not that.
What's Evelyn gonna think of that?
She'll think I'm a loony. I am a loony.
Come on, Eddie. Let me do my own show tomorrow, eh?
-Aye, okay. -You beauty! Tomorrow night!
The Campbell Bain show debuts tomorrow night!
Eat your heart out, Ken Bruce, you bastard!
Oh.
Hello.
They, uh, told me I'd find you in here.
Aye.
Well, here I am.
You lot, this is my dad.
Dad, this is that lot.
Have a seat.
I'd get you a cup of tea, but they don't trust us with kettles.
-Well, you might burn yourselves. -Aye, or wear them on our heads.
Either way, it requires medical intervention.
I've just had a word with your doctor, by the way.
-Oh, aye? -He gave me some good news, I think.
He says they'll be letting you out of here soon,
-next week, he reckons. -You're joking. Next week?
Yes! Yes!
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God almighty, I'll be free at last!
Aye, well, just thought I'd come and ask you
if you'd any plans for when you come out.
Aye, loads of them.
Massive booze-up with all my pals, holiday in the Seychelles.
Or Majorca. I'll slum it. And lose my virginity.
I'm 19. I think I should lose my virginity. Don't you?
Listen, stop your daft act.
You'll make me think you need to stay here.
I was talking about your future, son.
You didn't get your exams, you know.
Your mother and I was wondering if you'd thought about going back
to do your exams.
I cannae say that was the first thing that crossed my mind.
Well, think about it, son. There's a recession on.
Nobody gets nothing for nothing. You need qualifications.
It's just... I don't know what I want to do yet.
Oh, don't give me your daft talk. We're talking about a job.
I mean, what you want has nothing to do with it.
Well, I could always be a road sweeper, I suppose.
I am not a road sweeper.
I work for the Cleansing Department and I'm a foreman.
You sweep the road.
Oh, I've never heard you complain about the food it put on the table.
Do you want to be a waster all your life?
'Cause I'm not having it.
You've got to pull yourself together because this is killing your mother.
It's positively killing her.
I mean, the doctor's had to put her on tablets
because she's so upset about it.
That makes two loonies in the family.
Your mother is not a loony.
We've never had a loony in the family before you,
not on my side or your mother's.
You've just got to stop this, put it all behind you.
Pull yourself together. You understand me?
You just have to think about your future, son.
Come on, Rosalie. Time to lock up.
I'm not going to rest until everything in the world is neat and tidy
and every germ on Earth is dead.
Well, it's nice to have a mission, but I've got to lock up now.
Okay.
What's all this?
I'm just getting these figures together for Evelyn.
It would be nice if they redecorated this place.
Aye.
Look, I've just sorted those. Listen, don't...
Everything in the world, neat and tidy.
Aye.
Francine! What you got that window open for?
-Don't. -But it's freezing cold.
I'm suffocating in here.
-Saw you hanging about the station. -So?
Just saw you, that's all.
-Are you okay? -Of course I'm not okay. I'm a loony.
So am I.
Aye, but you're out there and I'm in here.
Not forever.
They can keep me in here as long as they like.
I'm not going to get any better as long as I'm in here.
I've told them that.
Nobody listens. They just renew the section.
The section? Oh, that means...
The taint. Locked up under Section 26 of the Mental Health Act.
-Might as well be in jail. -Could you not appeal about that?
What's the point? Nobody listens to you if you're a loony.
They'd have to listen to you if you were on the radio.
I could train you as a DJ. You could say anything you wanted.
You could say, "Eddie's a fat bastard," if you wanted.
But I warn you, I cry easy.
-No, no, I couldn't. -Why not?
I just couldn't.
How did you get into all that anyway? Being a DJ and that?
Don't know. Just had a big mouth, I suppose.
Used to work at this youth club.
Used to run the disco at the weekends
'cause nobody else could stand the noise.
Great job.
-What happened? -I lost it.
The cuts, you know.
Then I started doing hospital radio in town.
Amateur, like here. But a huge place.
And then?
-And then they sacked me. -You certainly lose a lot of jobs.
Aye, enough.
I was a secretary once.
Import-export business out of Prestwick.
(SIGHING)
I'm suffocating in here.
-No pass! No pass! -Grandma, it's me.
I know you, you bad, bad boy! Do you pay television licence?
What?
Licence people come here today. Three times they come.
First I hide, then I speak Lithuanian. And then I act like senile idiot.
They think I am senile idiot, Eddie!
Soon they come back and maybe they take television.
You want I miss Blind Date? You want I miss EastEnders?
You want I miss Newsnight with Peter Snow?
Look, I'm sorry!
-I just didnae have the 83 quid. -But you have job now, Eddie.
Yeah, but it's not like winning the pools, Grandma.
Eddie, what do I do with you?
When do you get married, so I can throw you out?
This is my flat.
Well, when do you get married, so you can throw me out?
I'll pay the licence tomorrow.
-And the television rental? -And the television rental.
And the electric?
I'm running up an overdraft, Grandma.
And find nice lassie and get married
and give me many, many great-grandchildren.
Well, for that I'll have to talk to my bank manager.
Cheer up. It may never happen.
Don't you just hate it when people say that?
Go on, be miserable. I don't blame you for being depressed.
The food here is diabolical.
Do you work round here?
Aye, just down the road. I'm a salesman.
A salesman. I might have guessed.
They're always so vaguely oily, salesmen.
No offence, of course.
We had a salesman in the family once, my sister's husband.
Dreadful man. I never had any time for him.
Sold toilets. "Commodes," he called them.
"Toilets" in plain English.
He's dead now, thankfully.
-I've got to go now. -Oh, yes, so do I.
I'm afraid I'm temporarily financially embarrassed.
I couldn't borrow £2.60, could I?
You're a gentleman, sir. What do you sell anyway?
Double glazing.
Now why does that ring a bell?
Oh, yes.
I had a phone call from this man, a complete stranger, once,
who wanted to come round and talk to me about double glazing.
So I thought, why not?
We got on like a house on fire.
He stayed for maybe five hours.
He sold you some windows?
No. I don't recall we talked about windows.
Harriet. My name is Harriet.
My father wanted a boy, you see,
and he'd set his heart on the name of Harry.
Aye, well, see you then.
So when I came along, they just had to make do.
They just hadn't been thinking of any girls' names at all, you see.
-Who's your friend? -Daisy.
My dog's name is Daisy.
I have had six dogs in my life, every one of them called Daisy.
You've only got two appointments, I'm afraid.
But you'd better make yourself scarce. Griffin's been on the rampage.
Aye. Listen, I've got to...
Oh, now you've done it. You've got her barking.
She's got a heart condition.
McKenna, I want you up here and I want you up here now.
(GRIFFIN GROWLS)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Well, uh, I'll be seeing you again sometime, McKenna.
(DOG GROWLING)
I suppose you know why I've called you up here.
-No, sir. -Then guess.
-For a chat? -I never chat.
Do you think I got to be regional sales manager by having chats?
I got here by selling windows to customers.
-Buyers, sir. -What?
They're buyers, not customers.
Well, I'm glad you got so much out of our sales seminar yesterday, McKenna.
And how did you make out with your "buyers" last night?
-Which buyers? -You had to leave early to meet them.
We practically sent you out of here like a conquering hero.
-How did you get on? -Oh, aye... Good.
-Um... Excellent, thanks. -You closed the deal?
Almost. Nearly there.
Almost! Nearly there!
You don't buy a washing machine with an "almost," McKenna.
You don't buy a Jacuzzi with a "nearly there".
I'll... I'll work harder at it.
How many nights a week are you going out?
Five.
Why not six? Why not seven?
You should be out seven nights a week if you have to
and weekends and weekdays, making that sale.
Aye.
Now listen to me, McKenna.
Either you walk into this office on Saturday morning
with a sale under your belt,
signed, delivered and sealed with a kiss
-or you're off the team. -By Saturday?
But you've only given me two appointments.
I'd knock on some doors if I were you, McKenna.
(I HEAR YOU KNOCKING PLAYING)
Good morning, I'm Edward McKenna from Twinview.
What?
(BABY CRYING)
Edward McKenna from Twinview Windows.
Some of our craftsmen are installing windows in the area,
which means we can offer you an exceptionally good deal.
What are you doing?
Tonight, at 7:00pm, don't miss Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show
on hospital radio tonight at 7:00pm.
-Twinview Windows? -Sorry.
-Bugger off. -Clear off.
No English. No English.
Well, I'm not bloody English.
He should be here by now.
-Rosalie, what are you doing? -Just polishing your shoes, son.
We're gonna have to go without him.
Oh no!
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
I'm just going!
Don't want to buy any double glazing, do you?
...two, one, you're on.
That was I Hear You Knockin', But You Can't Come In
dedicated to all the medical staff here at St Jude's hospital.
They hear you knocking, but you cannae get out.
And this is Campbell Bain with the first ever Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.
(LOONEY TUNES THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
And our next request is for Singha on Ward Six,
who tells me that she's being controlled by aliens from another planet.
Singha, the nursing assistants are only doing their job.
Is he getting at me?
(PUPPET ON A STRING PLAYING)
And now I've been asked to play a dead smoochy tune by Alison on Ward Seven,
so here's a song that should cause each of us to experience
a wee flutter in the heart, a wee catch in the throat,
a tune that we can truly call our song.
(GOING OUT OF MY HEAD PLAYING)
# Over you
He's not bad, that boy.
# Goin' out of my head over you
Cocoa's up. You coming?
No. I've got to get these figures together for Evelyn.
I had fun tonight, Eddie.
I think that's the most fun I've ever had without being manic.
Was I any good?
Aye.
I've never been good at anything before, Eddie.
I spent four years of my life learning to play guitar
and the only song I can play all the way through
is Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door.
I only did it to try and pull women. I'm no good at that either.
I want to do this professional, Eddie.
Do you think I could?
-Maybe. Aye. -I've got to take it seriously, Eddie.
It's got to be taken seriously, that's the thing.
First thing I'm gonna do is get some cans like yours.
Baird DT100s.
Aye, professional cans with my name on them
in big yellow fluorescent letters.
Build up my own record collection, specialise in something.
Get some great tunes together. What else do I need?
-Experience, Campbell? -Aye, good point.
They're not gonna have somebody who just walks in off the street.
They're gonna have somebody who has spent days, if not weeks,
developing their show into a creature that's totally fresh
-and fundamentally loony in every way. -Days, if not weeks?
They're letting me out of here next week, Eddie.
I want to come and work for you, full-time.
I want you to teach me everything you know.
We'll be a double act.
We are gonna make this the most outrageous and original
hospital broadcasting outfit in the country.
This station is gonna take us places, Eddie.
Us?
Well, you're not gonna sell double glazing all your life, are you?
-Not likely, anyway. -Then go for it.
Have you never wanted to go professional, Eddie?
-Might have sent out the odd tape. -And?
The general consensus seemed to be I was shite.
That's where you went wrong. You see, you went to them.
That's one thing I'm sure of is you've got to get them to come to you.
-What's it called? -Abduction, Campbell, and it's illegal.
No, no, market strategy! Creating a seller's market!
Can you see the potential?
We're one of the only loony radio stations in the country.
Think of the angle, the publicity. "Loonies take over asylum at St Jude's."
All we have to do is be brilliant as well as original
and they'll be coming to us.
With your knowledge and experience and my hypomania, how can we lose?
Come on, Eddie. You with me?
Aye.
-Are you sure you're not manic? -I'm inspired, Eddie.
What's the difference?
Inspired is when you think you can do anything.
Manic is when you know it.
Good night.
-Who are you looking for? -Nobody.
You, I suppose.
-Would you like my cocoa? -You don't want it?
No. I hate the stuff, but I like to be cooperative.
-You're wearing a tie? -Aye. Stupid thing, is it not?
-Are you okay? -Oh, aye.
No. I think I'm about to lose my job.
You certainly don't have a lot of luck with jobs. It must be said.
-Have you got a family? -My grandmother.
-You live with your grandmother? -No. She lives with me.
Since my granddad died.
She raised me, see?
In fact, she thinks she's still raising me.
She's Lithuanian.
In her lifetime, she stood up to Hitler, she stood up to Stalin.
Believe me, it's very difficult to argue with someone like that.
What do you argue about?
She wants me to get married, mainly.
In Lithuania if you don't marry by the time you're 30,
they stop locking up their daughters and start locking up their sons.
Did you never have a girlfriend or that?
Oh, aye. Angela.
I still cannae say "Angel Delight" without accidentally saying Angela.
-You did just then. -Did I?
Oh well. Must be getting over her then.
Is that your car parked down there?
-The orange Allegro? -Aye.
-How did you know? -I've seen you get out of it.
It may not look like much, but, mark my words,
that'll be a classic one day.
Take you out for a spin sometime, if you like.
No.
Well, they don't usually let me out, see.
In case I start posing a danger to myself or others.
-Francine, how'd you come to be in here? -Oh, look, there's McTavish.
He's a cat that lives on the grounds. Oh, he's gone now.
You cannae pick him up or that because he's wild.
-But everybody knows him. -I saw him. A big black cat.
Aye, and dead fat.
Francine, I hate to break this to you, but he is a she.
-And she is pregnant. -He's not pregnant.
-He's just dead fat. -What, with those wee skinny legs?
Francine, trust me, she's pregnant.
He's not pregnant! It's just fat. He eats too much and he's fat, right?
Just fat.
McKenna!
It's McKenna, isn't it?
Harriet, remember?
Harriet. And my dog's name is Daisy.
You should write these things down, if you've no memory for names.
I wanted to bump into you again because I want to give you that £2.60.
No, it's okay. Consider breakfast on me.
No. I never accept charity.
And I rarely borrow.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
It says that in the Bible.
Don't frighten Daisy again.
I told you, she has a heart condition.
Thanks.
You're a salesman, is that right, McKenna?
-Aye. -There you are.
I don't forget a thing. Mind like a steel trap.
You tell me something, I don't forget it.
What was it you sell again?
-Double glazing. -Double glazing.
Well, that's a stupid thing, isn't it?
Does that mean that you have two windows
for every window in your house, is that right?
Aye.
But isn't that a bit daft? You might as well have
two doors for every door and two walls for every wall.
Well, it keeps out the draughts.
My roof keeps out the rain, but it doesn't mean I need two.
-Look, I've got to go to work now. -But I'm puzzled, McKenna.
Look, take one of these brochures. That'll explain everything.
Oh, thank you.
I've still got two more days.
Griffin said, "Just in case".
Fergus. Fergus, what are you doing?
-Dripping. -Where have you been all morning?
Go on, get yourself dry.
And I'll take the wire cutters, Fergus.
-Fergus, did you get them? -Aye, second hand. 50 quid.
This is brilliant. Brilliant.
My first professional headphones. Did you get the paint?
I have to put my name on. That's how they do it in professional radio.
Where'd you get all this cash anyway?
-Sold Mad John all my cigarettes. -For 60 quid?
Well, it was nearly eight packs and he did offer. He was desperate.
What are you gonna do for fags?
I'm giving it up. I've got to take care of my voice.
And may God strike me dead if I so much as engage in passive smoking.
-Everybody smokes in here. -Then I'll stop breathing in.
Come on. Let's try these out at the station.
Dad. Hello.
You're wet.
Next time I'll take my clothes off before I get into the bath.
I thought he was a doctor.
Only part-time.
I was wondering if you'd thought about what we were saying.
Yes, I have.
And I've decided that you're absolutely dead on.
I'm 19 years old and it's time I started thinking about my future.
-Oh, aye. -You're gonna be proud of me, Dad.
Because I've decided that my future, my life's work, my soul's passion
-is gonna be this. -You're gonna be an airline pilot?
No. A radio disc jockey.
And I can get all the experience I need right here in the hospital station.
-We're back to that, are we? -Back to what?
Well, six months ago you wanted to be a pop star.
That was different. I cannae sing.
Two years before you wanted to be a racing jockey.
-I'm afraid of horses. -Before that you wanted to be an actor.
I cannae remember lines. But this is different.
I'm good at it. I know I am.
Well, there's a lot of things are gonna be different from now on.
Your mother and me have been talking
and we've decided it would be a good idea
if you went to your Auntie Susan's for a bit.
She lives in Perth.
Yes, but you can go to adult classes there.
You'll get the peace and quiet that you need.
I cannae go to Perth. I've got to stay in Glasgow
to work in the station. I need the experience.
-You need to get well. -I'm not ill!
You cannae make me go to Perth.
I'm 19 years old and I'm staying in Glasgow to work in the station.
I'm gonna be a professional DJ whether you like it or not.
You stand there, shouting at the top of your voice,
throwing your arms about like some mad scarecrow
and you're telling me you're not ill? You're not capable of thinking straight.
And some straight thinking needs to be done.
Now, your mother and me have done our best to look after you.
If that's not good enough for you then there's nothing left but...
to have you sectioned and let the doctors decide.
Oh, Jesus.
You'd have me sectioned.
I'll come around on Monday to collect you.
Your uncle has loaned me his car.
Have you never been young, Dad?
Is there never anything you wanted to do?
You wanted to be more than anything in the world?
Oh, aye.
Goalkeeper for Glasgow Rangers. A lot of fucking good it did me.
Eddie, I've been looking for you.
I just wanted to walk in before I went home
to collect those figures you promised.
Oh, aye.
There's been a wee problem with the figures.
Some of them are still missing.
What, invoices?
-Receipts, budgets? -Aye.
-You've lost all your documents? -No, no.
They've just been misplaced a wee bit.
-Hello, Fergus. -Evening.
Well, then, what's this?
Nominal ledger, purchase ledger, budget, forecast.
My word.
I don't think I've seen such neat numbers
since I was doing accountancy.
Aye, aye, well... I knew they'd turn up.
Excellent.
Well, I'll go over these and I'll talk to the board at the meeting next week.
-Could I just have a wee word? -Aye.
Eddie, nobody could admire you more than I do for involving the patients.
But I think the intention when we decided to fund the station
was that there would be a regular staff of outside volunteers.
-Reliable people. -I've never been let down.
Eddie, some of these patients have horrendous problems.
It's not fair to expect too much.
They keep telling me how much they enjoy it.
You can't always listen to them.
Francine!
Campbell. Campbell!
I thought you said you were gonna give up cigarettes.
Aye, well, I also said I was gonna become a DJ.
(BELL TOLLING)
(WATCH ALARM BEEPING)
Time's up, McKenna.
HARRIET: Ah, there you are, McKenna.
-See, you can't escape me, can you? -Harriet.
And you've remembered my name that time.
That's because you wrote it down, didn't you?
No. It's not easy to forget.
I've been reading this brochure you gave me about double glazing.
I must admit I was sceptical, but this brochure convinced me.
Less draughts, less noise, an altogether excellent idea.
Maybe you could come round and tell me how much it would cost at my place.
-It's awfully draughty, you see. -Do you want me to give you a call?
No. I want you to tell me how much it will cost.
And I don't want that dreadful aluminium stuff.
It reminds me of flattened-out tins.
I want the plain white sash windows.
Discreet and stylish.
Well, write it down then. You know what your memory's like.
Here we are then.
-You need to show me which flat. -Oh, it's all mine.
It's a bit much for me since my husband died.
But it was in his family for so long, you see.
Now, there are 35 windows, back and front.
Have you got your own tape measure?
(THIS OLD HOUSE PLAYING)
(DOG GROWLING)
This is Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes Show
and I hope everyone in this old house is tuned in and ready to rock and roll.
(LOONEY TUNES THEME)
That's right because it's time for the Looney Tunes show
and I want you dancing, loonies. I want you singing along.
I want you clapping your hands and stamping your feet.
If there's a strange voice in your head, get it to sing along.
If there's a catatonic sitting next to you, wake 'em up!
This is for all of you having ECT tomorrow.
I hope you get some good vibrations.
(GOOD VIBRATIONS PLAYING)
# She's giving me excitations
# I'm picking up good vibrations
# She's giving me excitations #
Well, I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here tonight.
As you may know, this is the fourth and last
Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show.
The good news is it's because I'm being discharged.
That bad news is I'm gonna be living in Perth.
And our first competition tonight was to find a special dedication
to the town of Perth.
And the winner is Margaret on Ward 11.
And she dedicated this song to the town of Perth.
He's hot tonight.
(WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE PLAYING)
That's not dance music, is it? We're supposed to be rocking and rolling.
Because we are loonies and we are proud.
I'm a manic depressive and I'm proud, my friends.
Some of the greatest geniuses in history have been manic depressives
on a manic roll. Vincent van Gogh, Handel, Schumann,
Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Spike Milligan, Vivien Leigh.
That is 100% true, folks.
And this is for all you manic-depressives out there.
We are loonies and we are proud!
((YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME) HIGHER AND HIGHER PLAYING)
# Your love keeps lifting me higher
# Than I've ever been lifted before #
CAMPBELL: Have you ever noticed how much mental illness imagery
there is in popular music?
Tonight our guest on the Looney Tunes show
is professor of musicology, Doctor Boogie.
Aye, aye, in popular music we find much images of mental illness
indicating an underlying fear and fascination. For example...
# Please, lock me away... #
He's away.
And this expresses a deep anxiety about going a little bit crazy.
Another example is...
#You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain... #
This expresses the deep anxiety about going a lot crazier with a pyromaniac.
And then again, in a song like...
(PAINT IT BLACK PLAYS)
A fascination with obsessive behaviour.
And some songs provoke the greatest fears of all.
In this case, the twin fears of abject mediocrity and liking crap songs.
But then, of course, there is...
# Met her on a Monday and my heart stood still... #
Which has got nothing to do with loonies but it's a great song!
Whoa, I'm sweating! I'm just gonna open a window.
It's a long way down from this window.
But I'm so high I'll bet I could fly.
Cue the song. Cue the song.
Jesus, Campbell.
# Fly like an eagle #
What do you think, boys and girls?
Do you think if we close our eyes and say, "I do believe in magic",
that Peter Pan will really be able to fly?
Let's try it, eh!
I do believe in magic.
Come on! I do believe in magic!
They're coming to get me, folks.
They're coming to get your very own Campbell Bain.
But wait, I've got the perfect song.
# They're coming to take me away #
We're really seeing some action now!
The nursing staff have been at a temporary disadvantage,
but I think that they're beginning to get the upper hand now.
Yes! They found a spare key!
It may be all over soon. Oh, no!
The key's in the lock from the inside
and there's not a thing they can do about it!
Oh, wait! It's wee Stuart.
And he's not happy. If he can't break through the door,
I don't think anyone can.
He's done it! He's broken the glass!
And he's in!
A loony joke! This loony walks into a pub with his dog.
The barman says, "You can't have any dogs in here".
The loony says, "He's a talking dog."
"If he answers three questions, can he stay in the bar?"
"Let's see it."
So he says to the dog, "What's the texture of sandpaper?"
And the dog says, "Rough".
And then the guy asks, "Who was Scotland's goalkeeper
"in the 1978 World Cup?"
And the dog says, "Rough".
And then, "who was the greatest American baseball player of all time?"
And the dog says, "Ruth". The barman's definitely not impressed.
He grabs the guy by the collar and throws him onto the street.
Then he grabs the dog by the collar and throws him into the street.
And as they're lying in the gutter,
the wee dog looks up with tears in his eye...
The wee dog looks up with tears in his eyes.
And he says, "DiMaggio?"
Hello, this is Francine.
And the next song you're gonna listen to is Hound Dog.
(HOUND DOG PLAYS)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
-You're early. -Aye.
I wanted to try and see Campbell if I could.
Of course. He's groggy but fairly lucid.
-It's my fault, is it not? -No.
You're not thinking of giving up, are you?
-Aye. -Don't.
One of my patients, Dorothy. She's in here more often than she's out.
Whatever I suggest to her, she always does, no matter what.
If I say, "Dorothy, would you like a bath?",
she goes for a bath.
If I say, "Dorothy, would you like to play cards?",
she plays cards.
Saturday night she was dancing.
She's not very good on her feet and I was afraid she'd fall,
so I said, "Dorothy, would you like to sit down now?"
She said, "Oh, piss off, Isabel".
Keep making waves, Eddie.
What's this? Did somebody die?
They gave me work. Big day today.
I'm salesman of the month.
Salesman of the month, eh?
-How are you? -Great.
I saw my shrink this morning. He says I'm definitely not stable yet.
They're gonna keep me in another six to ten weeks.
Do you realise how much we could make of that station in six to ten weeks?
Anything's possible now.
Aye, well, if you think you're up to it.
Great acting, eh?
I'll beat them, Eddie.
I'll beat the bastards.
-You did my figures for me. -Just made them neat and tidy.
Rosalie?
How would you like to be my station manager?
(STAY (JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER) PLAYING)