(RADl0) Currently 86, feels like 110 in Conch FM's Sunday jazz brunch.
(MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC)
I'm back on the Hemingway trail again.
The great American writer only spent about ten years of his working life in America.
Most of those were spent at Key West, the southernmost city in the USA.
When Hemingway first discovered Key West in 1928,
it was so run-down and laid back, he called it "the St Tropez of the poor".
Seven years later they built this road which connects the Keys with the rest of the US
and it brought the crowds and the attention he was so anxious to avoid.
Hemingway hit Key West about the time the Depression hit America.
He thrived in the Florida sunshine,
cut off, perhaps, from the realities of life in the rest of his native land.
Key West's lazy, tropical style still feels a little cut off.
The closer I come to the end of America, the more I feel time slowing down.
In some ways, it's as if Hemingway had never left.
La Concha Hotel was built in the 1920s to try and pull in the first tourists.
It also pulled in the Hemingways. There's still a room named after him.
Hi. I'm told you have a Hemingway suite.
The only trouble is there's someone in it.
- Hello. I'm Michael Palin. - I'm Kevin Sullivan.
Hi. I saw you're in the Ernest Hemingway suite and I wondered if I might have a look.
- Sure. - Thank you.
This is the Hemingway suite.
Wow, yes. It's spacious. He gave himself some room, didn't he?
- He liked comfort. - He was a big guy.
He stayed here when he first arrived in the island.
But I got something to tell you. Are you ready for this?
You're coming at a strange time. Weird things have been happening.
- Like what? - I believe this room is haunted.
- Haunted? By whom? By him? - By the man himself.
- Really? - That's what I hear.
Two people felt a very strong presence of some type of spirit in the bedroom there.
- A heavy presence. - Sitting on the bed. This is for real.
I feel this presence now.
Actually, room 206 at the Sun Valley Lodge in Idaho, that's haunted also.
You see his right hand at night writing. Yeah. I haven't seen that also.
You're clearly a big fan.
Yeah. I'm at the Hemingway lookalike contest. I'm competing.
- I should have realised! Sorry. - Come on.
I can see it now. There's a certain subtlety, but it's there.
- You're not a ghost. - I'm the real thing. You can't get realer than me.
- Where does that take place? - Sloppy Joe's, the greatest bar in the world.
- I've not been there yet. - Would you like to join me?
- Yeah. Why not? - OK. Great. Let's go.
This traffic is so slow, isn't it?
Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. I'm a cop.
- What? - I'm a cop. Let's go. Let's do it.
Which is how I learned Kevin really is a New York policeman.
This is the high temple of Hemingway worship -
a bar once owned by Joe Russell, his old fishing crony.
- This is the Sloppy Joe's. - The one and only.
A quiet retreat for those who love Ernie. And a tribute to him on the menu.
"The Bun Also Rises." "For Whom the Grill Tolls".
I had that last night. Rather good.
- As good as the book? - It's coming up now.
- Did you get into this through the books? - I've been obsessed with him for 15 years.
He led an incredible life - a boozed, bruised and battered life.
- This competition, how many years? - Ten years.
- And you've never won? - I've made the finals three years in a row.
I'm gonna be competing against 24 old, fat, rather out-of-shape gentlemen
and I hope to win.
- Are the other competitors supportive? - No, they can't stand me.
Ask anybody.
Is there anyone here in Key West - they'll be pretty old by now -
who remembers Hemingway personally?
There's a gentleman called Shine Forbes. He used to spar with Hemingway in the '30s.
- Where do I find him? - He lives a couple of blocks away.
I boxed with him Thursday night
and the locals told me he was 90.
And when I fought with him, after he kicked my ass, I found out he was 83.
If I'd have known, I would have never fought him. I'm a lover, not a fighter.
I hope you don't get your ass kicked tomorrow night.
- Thanks, Michael. Thank you very much. - Good luck. See you then. Bye.
0nly a few streets away from Sloppy Joe's,
I'm in a world more Caribbean than American.
Here the influences are African and Hispanic.
The neighbourhoods have names like Cuba Village and Bahama Village.
It's in Bahama Village, beside an old military base,
that I enter the wonderful world of Shine Forbes.
This is a quieter part of town. Has Key West changed a lot since you were here?
That street over there named Emma Street was the red-light district.
- Right. - See that big house with the square roof?
The House of all Nations, they called it. It was a cat house.
- Do you think Key West? - Now it's against the law.
Yeah. Hemingway liked cock fighting, didn't he?
I don't know about that. I couldn't tell you yeah and I couldn't tell you no.
Only thing I know is he used to come down to the Blue Heaven when they had fights
and he'd referee the fights and we'd go to his house and put on the gloves.
This was at Hemingway's house? He'd work out where?
- Right by the swimming pool. - How was Hemingway as a fighter?
He was big, but he was no... He was big enough to keep us off him.
- He had a longer reach. - We'd get the stomach or something.
Can you show me what it was like? Say I'm you and you're Ernest, OK?
He used to go like this.
- Yeah. - Like this.
So it would be one of those. He had a longer reach, so he'd get out of the way.
- And he would... - Any stuff to the face?
- So he'd get you on the face? - All that came in, yeah.
- Did you ever get hurt? - No! He knocked us down.
- Do you still box? - No. I may get a heart attack.
Amazing things you've got. Spent your life collecting.
Inside, Shine's is even more magical. A small forest of memories.
Everyone you ever knew here in these photos.
- And that's... - There he is, yeah.
- That's me. - You look a meaner fighter.
You look fitter, a lot more sharp. He's just leaning on the ring.
This is the house where Shine Forbes put on the gloves with Hemingway.
Built in 1851, bought by the Hemingways in 1931,
its front gate is open eight hours a day to the public it was built to keep out.
- Morning. - Good morning.
- One, please. How much is it? - That's 7.50.
- There we go. - Your ticket.
- Thank you. - Wait for your change.
At 15-minute intervals,
people who know nothing of Ernest are told the facts of his life.
Welcome to the Hemingway home. My name's Dave...
That he loved cats.
That his wife had bad taste in chandeliers.
That it was a long walk up to bed.
And that he kept animals he'd killed on the walls of his writing room.
- You don't sound American. - No. I'm from Ayrshire.
- Are you a Hemingway fan. - No.
This is the fountain his cats would drink from.
It's a urinal from Sloppy Joe's bar.
(GUIDE) Hemingway had between 50 and 60 cats.
Some people call them six-toed cats. Three of our cats have seven-toed feet.
See those fabulous feet on him. There you go. Pose for the camera, Bill.
The independent character of Key West is shaped by the sea that encircles it -
even proclaiming itself a republic named after a shellfish called the conch.
This is a new one on me, and to find out more about this republican symbol,
I make my way to Key West's oldest tourist facility.
Understandably, conchs are not the main attraction.
- Would you like to touch the shark? - Whereabouts?
- Either the tail or... - That's the nearest I've been to a shark.
What would be the damage if that head got you?
They have a very strong biting pressure.
I've touched one, which is slightly Hemingwayesque.
Hemingway hated sharks because he was a fisherman and they destroyed the catch.
Once he went after sharks with a machine gun,
which did no good because there was blood everywhere and all the other sharks came in.
- Oh, well... It's when they wriggle. - This one here is actually a little girl.
- A little girl? - A wriggly little girl.
The other thing that people talk about here that I've never heard of is the conch.
- The fish or shellfish... - The conch that we make all the food?
- I've had conch stew. Can I see one? - Absolutely.
I soon see why Hemingway never wrote "The 0ld Man and the Conch".
As sea creatures go, it's not a superstar.
You want to bring it right up and tilt it a little bit forward.
- Then it should come out. - It's heavy.
- You have to be patient. - There's a conch in there.
- Here it comes. - Water will come out of the shell.
It's aiming for my fingers. Does that mean?
No. That's called the operculum. That's how they move.
If you just go and look round the aquarium for five minutes. Here it comes.
- How much more is there? - There's quite a bit inside.
The eyes right upfront here, and the mouth.
- There he comes. - That's about all that's gonna come out.
- It's about as big as the shark. - That's a little boy.
- Where's the little boy bits? - That would be up here inside the shell.
I see what you mean. I thought those were his eyes.
Whoa, bless you. Well done.
"He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream
"and he'd gone 84 days without taking a fish.
"In the first 40 days a boy had been with him, but after 40 days without a fish,
"the boy's parents had told him the old man was now definitely salao,
"which is the worst form of unlucky,
"and the boy had gone at their orders in another boat which caught three fish..."
This is a great day indeed. July 21st, 1999.
The hundredth anniversary of the birth of Ernest Hemingway.
There'll doubtless be some tasteful celebration planned.
(BAGPIPES DRONE)
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you... #
It seems I was right. Past winners of the lookalike competition, now judges,
prove beyond a doubt that Hemingway couldn't sing.
Inside Sloppy Joe's, this year's hero worship is approaching its climax.
(COMPERE) Ladies and gentlemen...
boys and girls...
the 18th annual Papa Hemingway lookalike contest!
(CHEERING)
Are you ready for Papa?
Thank you. I appreciate coming back again tonight.
I also want to thank God for putting the desire in my heart to be here tonight
and giving me the genetics to be a contender.
(WOMAN) Uh-oh! (COMPERE) Uh-oh!
This is the way he looked as he looked out on the Serengeti plains
at the lions he was gonna hunt that day, with a hangover on.
(WOMAN) Looking pretty good!
A vote for me is a vote for Ernie in his prime. Thank you.
(COMPERE) Talk about a tough act to follow. Mr Paul Gagnon!
He's an amateur. He's a non-entity.
- Have you ever taken your clothes off? - Are you crazy? I wanna win.
(MUSIC: "I'M YOUR MAN" BY WHAM)
# But I know that you're sad
# And I know I'll make you happy with the one thing that you never had
# Baby, I'm your man
# Don't you know that
# Baby, I'm your man... #
- Tell me about him. - He's gotta have more personality.
You gotta shoot a bottle rocket outta your ass.
Does it matter how long or short you are?
I get up there for a long time because I keep the audience fascinated.
A guy like that has three seconds.
Joining us all the way from the Big Apple, New York, Mr Kevin Sullivan!
(CHEERS AND BOOS)
I'm intrigued to know Kevin's tactics. Will it be modesty or charm?
Let me tell you something - welcome to the Kevin Sullivan lookalike contest.
He's gone for modesty.
Thursday night I had a fight with Shine - you know, the little old prick.
You know why nobody can find Shine?
He's in the Key West jail now charged with assaulting a police officer - me.
- You're never gonna see him. - (BOOING)
I've been doing this for ten years. Nobody's taken more abuse than me.
(WOMAN) And I think he deserves it!
I want to win this contest so bad, I will do anything to win this contest.
But if I lose, I just thought of something.
If I lose, with the tragic death of John F Kennedy Junior,
I am now the sexiest man alive.
I love myself!
- Listen. Seriously... Seriously... - (BOOING)
Come on, don't do this to me. No, listen, listen.
I love you, Papa, and I know you're smiling down on me.
God bless you all. I love you! Thank you!
(COMPERE) Mr Kevin Sullivan!
So you're a friend of Kevin's and you've been here with him before?
I've been here, Pamplona, Sun Valley. He's a real Hemingway buff.
- Are you a Hemingway fan? - Not at all.
(COMPERE) Paul Gagnon!
- Kevin Sullivan. - (BOOING)
What kind of odds would you give on Kevin tonight?
If there's 24 people in the contest, he'll finish 25th.
- So that's a dead cert. A dead-cert loser. - Don't bet on him.
The 1999 winner of the 18th annual Papa Hemingway lookalike contest...
Big Rick Turman!
(CHEERING)
- It was a very good choice. - Why?
Because he's now a judge and he'll be judging me.
Kevin shouldn't lose hope. No one who looks like Hemingway ever wins.
This is the real one again - going native.
Hemingway's first African safari was so successful, he went back in the 1950s.
This time things didn't work out quite as well.
This is Masindi in western Uganda, close to Lake Albert and the River Nile.
It's an easy-going town, perfect for killing time and putting off departures.
There's always some last-minute thing an explorer needs.
I opt for a bit of personal grooming - always a good pick-me-up.
The result's so impressive, they create a Palin style...
...or is it Colonel Gaddafi?
I decide the way to find out what happened to the Hemingways
is to make the same trip myself.
Hello. I'm just checking to see - do you do any plane flights
up Lake Albert into the Nile?
You do? Good. Yeah.
OK. Thank you. Palin, it is. Thank you. All right. Bye.
The flight over Lake Albert was a present from Ernest to his wife, Mary,
who, unlike him, was more keen on seeing Africa than shooting animals.
At the top of the lake, their pilot swung east
to show them the big game on the banks of the Nile.
They saw one of the most spectacular and least-known sights in Africa -
the Murchison Falls,
where the Nile, a quarter of a mile across,
is hurled with tremendous force down a ravine 30 feet wide.
Mary shot roll after roll of photographs as the pilot took the aircraft ever lower
to what Hemingway later described as "a reasonably legal height".
At this point the pilot hit a telegraph wire. The result was predictably Hemingwayesque.
(CRASHING)
No one was seriously injured,
but they were stranded miles from anything apart from very large animals.
I'm taken upriver by Francis, a ranger, whose father saw the crashed plane.
How long have you worked in the park now?
I've worked in the park about 36 years now.
I was wounded in the field.
- You were wounded how? - I was shot.
- By who? - Three times by poachers.
I was shot in my arm here. Can you see?
- Yes, I can. - And I was shot in my leg also.
- Blimey. - The scar can be seen also.
- God. Wow. - The bullet is still also in my leg.
- The bullet's in there? - It's still here.
Brave man.
Thanks to difficult terrain and years of civil war,
this corner of Uganda remains largely unspoilt,
although the sunbeds are snapped up quickly.
Is this it? OK.
- Telegram poles. - (METALLIC CLINK)
That's the pole for the telegraph wire that he hit.
It looks like a tree. It's all so overgrown now.
So this is the place where the accident happened in 1954.
- This is where the plane came down. - But there were no trees.
There were a lot of elephants, so they slashed all the trees.
- Or they probably wouldn't have lived. - They could have died maybe.
Whilst the pilot broadcast the plane's call sign "Victor Love Item",
the Hemingways climbed up to higher ground
to avoid the attentions of local elephant.
Hemingway gathered long grass to make a bed for his wife who'd broken two ribs.
Oh, sorry.
They chose a campsite overlooking the river.
Very high.
So this is the area where they camped when the plane crashed down.
My father told me that when they are high up, they can see the Murchison Falls.
- There you can see. - And they were safe up here?
- Yes. - From the elephants.
I know they brought all the food they'd got on board.
It seemed to be mainly drink. There was a wonderful bit that Hemingway wrote.
"We rationed the Carlsberg beer at the rate of one bottle each three days.
"We rationed the Grand McNish whisky to one drink each evening.
"The water we planned to renew from the Murchison Falls,
"where there seemed to be a plentiful supply."
So it was over there.
The Hemingways had plenty of time to appreciate the beauties of the falls.
They spent a night in the bush, hearing the sound of elephants coming ever closer.
The elephant population may have declined since then,
but it hasn't made night life by the River Nile any quieter.
(WHISTLING AND CHIRPING)
(CACOPHONY OF ANIMAL CALLS)
(ELEPHANTS TRUMPET)
(ANIMAL CALLS CONTINUE)
By a stroke of luck, the Hemingways were rescued the next morning.
They'd attracted the attention of a river steamer, the SS Murchison,
which was carrying a party up to the falls.
They delivered the Hemingways to the town of Butiaba on Lake Albert -
which is where I'm heading now with my driver Mohammed.
- (CHILDREN CHEER) - Hello. Whe-hey!
Did you ever know anything about Ernest Hemingway, the writer,
who came to see the Murchison Falls?
It is going to be my first time to hear about him right now.
I'll lend you one of his stories. He wrote some good stories about Africa. He loved your country.
I'm very proud of that
and I'd be very grateful if I really get a novel concerning his adventure.
- I'll leave you one of the books I've got. - Very grateful.
You might not like it.
Uganda's been through a lot of turmoil in the last 25 years.
Has it settled down now?
We have very great changes.
The country's almost 80% OK.
Seems very settled. It's a beautiful country.
- Did the war affect you? - Yes, the war affected me.
I lost my mother through the bush war.
That was 1984. I did not know where she died.
And some other relatives and friends. A lot were killed.
As we approach Butiaba, there are still chilling reminders of the bad times.
We arrive as the morning catch is brought in from Lake Albert.
Most of these fishermen are not Ugandans but refugees from the Congo -
only 25 miles across the lake.
For them, fishing is a family business.
Mohammed thinks our best chance of information is from the headmen.
He knows one of them and says he's usually in the local marketplace.
- That's the man we're looking for. - Which one?
- The one in the shirt. - By the bicycle.
- Yes. - OK. Great. What's his name?
- Abdul Kasongo. - Abdul. OK. Thank you.
- Excuse me? Are you Abdul? - Yeah.
- Hello. Michael Palin. - Yes.
I'm here in Butiaba because I'm looking for some evidence
that an American writer, about 30 years ago,
was brought here after a plane crash up near Murchison Falls.
My friend Mohammed said that you might know something about the man.
- There he is. Ernest Hemingway. - Yes.
- Does the name ring a bell? - I know.
- You do know? Good. '53? - '54.
That's right. January '54.
This is a breakthrough. Abdul not only remembers Hemingway's arrival here
but, more significantly, his departure from the now abandoned Butiaba airstrip.
He says he'll take me there.
Abdul tells me he was ten when the famous American arrived in town.
Lots of people were looking for him,
but the man who got there first was an Englishman named Reggie Cartwright.
He had a plane at the airstrip, fuelled up and ready to go.
- You were here... - Yes.
...when the plane was taking off towards Entebbe.
- What happened then? - The plane crashed there. Yes.
Incredibly, the Hemingways had crashed for the second time in 48 hours.
But there is some fire in that airplane.
- Caught fire? - Yeah. Short-circuited, I think.
While it was taxiing.
- And that man, which you would say... - Mr Hemingway?
- Big... - Big shoulders.
And tall. Yes.
We see him. It was burning in his head.
"Oh! Oh!" I mean, he cried.
His hair was on fire, was it?
It was a fire, yes.
- Did it blow up? - Yes. Two days it was burning.
Changing colour... of a fire.
Sometimes white or blue, red... That is what we see.
- Is there anything left of the plane? - Yes. Some scraps.
- Really? Some bits and pieces? - Yes.
- Can you show me? - I can show you.
- The place is here. - The plane crashed here.
So there's bits left.
- This is a cylinder from the plane. - That's amazing.
The cylinder. It was a De Havilland, wasn't it?
- This was the battery. - That's a bit of battery. Gosh.
That's amazing. There's a bit of the fuselage.
Yeah.
- Has anyone come to see you? - What?
- Has anyone ever come to ask what? - To ask about this? No.
- Can I take one bit? - You can take that one.
That piece. That one is better.
I'll leave the rest here in the graveyard.
This crash was more serious than the first.
For me, these scraps of metal are the most poignant of Hemingway relics.
In fact, it was a case of Hemingway and wife not killed in air crash, yet again.
Despite, amongst other injuries, a fractured skull, cracked vertebrae,
ruptured liver, dislocated shoulder and first-degree burns,
Hemingway was soon on the move again to Venice,
and here, on the terrace of the Gritti Palace Hotel, he read his own obituary, with glee.
As you can see, we've hit Venice bang in the middle of carnival,
and it seems a bit boring not to get into the spirit, so I've got an outfit.
It's quite individual, but you'll know it's me. I'll go and slip it on now.
I choose a discreet side canal to spring my surprise on the crew.
(CAMERAMAN) That's him. Hemingway.
- Michael. - OK, Michael. Hold it there.
Michael, let us catch up. Stop. Stop.
Right. Take off the mask.
- God, who's that? - I don't know.
- That's him in the Palin mask. - It isn't a Palin mask.
It is. You see when he turns round. Michael. Michael, wait.
- Michael? - Sshh!
- Down here! Down here! - Bloody hell.
Down here!
Oh!
Oh, my head. Oh, my head.
My sadly unappreciated attempt to get into the carnival spirit
has distracted me from urgent business -
a rendezvous with a man who knew Hemingway in Venice
and a member of the Venetian aristocracy no less.
(CAMERAMAN) Tash.
- Tash. Tash. - What?
- Baron Franchetti. Michael Palin. - Nice to see you.
- Thank you for letting me come. - How are you?
I'm fine. Got caught up in the carnival rush. Lost the camera and crew.
Do you think that Venice has changed a lot in the last 50 years, perhaps?
Not at all. Venice does not change at all. Venice is the same.
What changes is the kind of people that come to Venice...
and sometimes you can see it in the canal noise.
Engines.
But the structure of the city is the same and will be the same always.
I ask him what, if anything, he remembers of Ernest Hemingway.
I was a child, so we were all impressed by his volume. He was such a huge man.
But with my father, I believe the main interest was duck hunting,
as my father, at the time, owned a "valle", which was very famous.
- A valle is what? - A valle is a big extension of ponds.
- Area of lakes. - Lakes, canals, woods.
An incredibly wild place.
- And Hemingway went there? - He fell in love with that environment.
- Does it still happen, duck hunting? - Certainly.
Is it possible for me to come and be a fly on the wall?
We can have a real duck hunt.
The estate is a 40-mile drive to the east, so we have to leave Venice that night.
We arrive just in time for the traditional pre-shoot dinner.
For some reason, this reminds me of "Murder on the 0rient Express".
Did Hemingway take part in all this as well?
Sė. He loved sitting at the table.
A lot of it was drinking also.
I remember him having a box under the table filled with a bottle of gin, whisky,
and taking up this bottle, serving himself, and...
Did you ever see him drunk?
He was never drunk. He was always on the same mental situation.
- Level. Same level. - The same level.
Is it a political issue in Italy?
In some countries now, in England, there is a move against any form of killing animals.
- People disapprove. - The same in Italy.
- The Green people... - Green people.
The WWF... The association that is all over the world.
- World Wildlife Fund. - Yes.
Prince er...
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Filipo. Prince Philip. He's the president.
- A man that's shot... - He's shot a few things in his time.
In one morning about 500 pheasants in a game reserve in Lombardia.
The president.
So we have this two per cent of Green people in the Italian parliament,
but they are very strong.
Now we have limits of 25 birds every day.
In Hemingway's time we had no limits. Absolutely no limits.
What's the most that you've ever shot in a day?
Me? 25. Yes. Every day, 25.
(LAUGHTER)
After what seems no more than a couple of hours' sleep, I'm woken by the baron.
- (BARON) Almost sunrise. - Cold.
It's pre-dawn and cold enough, fortunately, to freeze the most powerful hangover.
- (BARON) OK. We go. - Right.
(BARON) You get in first.
When you're OK, you tell me and I get in.
- Yep. That's all right. - Can I get in? OK.
- (BARON) OK. We sit down. - Unusual way of sitting.
(ICE CRUNCHES)
What are the conditions like this morning?
They're not as good as last night. There is some ice forming.
- Ice is not good? - Light is too clear, so birds see a lot.
(PALIN) So that's why you go out early
because there's less light and it's more difficult for the birds to see.
(BARON) And also they are disturbed by the lights of the houses and buildings.
- (BARON) They get more nervous in the morning. - Yeah.
But we're gonna see something.
So imagine Ernest Hemingway getting into that!
(PALIN) Getting out must have been even more difficult.
(BARON) That would require half an hour, I'd imagine.
(PALIN) Yes. They're quite deep. They're about four foot deep.
(BARON) Swans there. They're beautiful.
Whilst we settle into our barrels and attempt to look like drifting grass,
the boatman puts out decoys - some wooden, some very much alive.
Are we in the authentic Hemingway position for duck hunting?
Yes. He would sit with the gun between his legs.
He was the only one to bring a book.
Watching the book is good because ducks wouldn't see his face,
but he wouldn't see ducks either.
I will try to look at my right and you try to look on the left.
Any of us who sees a duck first, tell the other.
- What happens when the ducks come? - Please, get as down as you can.
Don't move the head and just look at them with the eyes without moving the head.
I'm quite nervous now. Will I be able to tell what's a duck and what isn't?
The question proves academic - the ducks we see are out of range
and those birds that do fly overhead aren't ducks.
I can hear other hunters blasting away in the distance,
but still the only ducks in our part of the lagoon are the ones we put there.
It's getting on. I reckon we've been here about three and a half hours
with comparative lack of success, Alberto.
- To what do you attribute this? - You never know in the valle.
Situations can change in five minutes,
but if it's a day like this, nobody can prevent it.
- So we should wait a little longer? - I believe the situation could change.
The less the situation changes, the more I'm driven to Hemingwayesque measures.
Alberto is equally desperate.
(QUACKING)
0ur decoy ducks appear to have taken a vow of silence,
forcing the baron into dazzling impersonations.
(LOW CHIRPING)
The ducks fly in all directions, except over our heads.
Hemingway got one thing right about duck hunting - always bring a good book.
If that doesn't work, go and live somewhere much warmer.
(CHIRPING AND QUACKING CONTINUES)